Monday, December 28, 2009

Blogs may express sentiments that are out of date

Here is where I stand now on the opposite-sex friendships. They are not as impossible as I once thought they were. From my hand written journal see below:


" My male-friend and I seem to have an enthusiasm for exploring human nature and willingness to do that together or at the same time. It’s not predictable or “standard” but it’s good just like it is. Real with real ups and downs.

“Good for us! We’re doing well.


“By joining our paths for awhile we will grow in confidence and capability and be stronger, more alive people, able to go on as individuals and perhaps have future partners afterward more completely and easily.

“I really, really want to have a learning relationship that is based on two strong individuals− no dependency or ownership, no serious jealousy and no judging or condemning the way each of us is. Just acceptance and a willingness to try.

“I need to become a complete whole person and individual in myself and I think the right type of non-committed, loving friendship with freedom to give and freedom to be free would help me become a “grown-up,” stable woman who could accept a man just the way he really is.

“I just can’t get over how much my communication is helping me understand myself! Wow.

“With a friend so sweet, open and honest, I can’t help loving him.

“Later: I think an active and even difficult learning experience within a mysterious, unpredictable relationship − especially an intense one in many areas − is a great opportunity in life.

Even later: “I think what I want to learn eventually is how to share love on an emotional basis as honestly and direct as I can be − not just going through the motions but intimacy and caring and giving and receiving with awareness and openness.” [Without hiding or retreating, or overwhelmed with fear, I mean.]

“It would be so good to have that kind of loving experience in this lifetime before it’s over.

I want a close friendship with affection but not be ‘a couple,’ not to go places as ‘a unit.’ I want my freedom, my friends and my separate life, activities, decisions and my own home, my own stuff, and my privacy.

But I do want to give this strange 'educational' relationship a chance to develop. So wish us some luck."

Nothing happens by accident. We draw people into our lives for a reason. And everything works out for the best if we acknowledge the guidance of Spirit in everything that happens. Nothing happens in the long-run, except by God's Will.

Friday, December 25, 2009

More on Friendships

I find it impossible or maybe just horribly painful, to try to maintain a friendship with a person that you really love. You force yourself to accept crumbs off the table, in hopes you'll get invited to the grand banquet sooner or later.

A great deal of the ups and downs in relationships are created by your own mind. You feel happy when the person wants to hear from you and greets you warmly, may even seek out your attention. You feel miserable thinking that you are perhaps wasting your time on something that is no more than a wish or an illusion.

There is the uncomfortable feeling that you'd like to have more relating to a more satisfying degree. Like wanting to see someone on a certain day but afraid that if you let your happiness hinge on that fleeting possibility, the other person will shy away from that. Big question--do you even have a right to expect more?

It's nearly impossible to not want what you want.

Too controlling? Too needy? Too, too.


I want to enjoy my close friendship with a certain person, and I want to be satisfied, or rather happy, with what I do receive. But am I selling myself short? Could I take that same time to get to know someone else with whom the chances of a romance and love affair are better than 5 or 10%? Should anything but 100% be worth it to me? Is that merely my7 old "either/or" thinking? Is sticking by a close friend in hopes they will someday feel they want to be with you in equal intensity that you crave, harmful to your feelings and your life?

I just don't know. I just know that some days I am elated and happy, and other days I am very down and crying for wanting that special someone. Would another person even fill my needs when I have strong feelings for someone who doesn't return the attraction/affection?

I wish I could find out without having to find out, if you know what I mean.

Is a lifetime (what's left of it) with a particular loved-one preferable to chasing after relationship after relationship and coming up with something really different than you would like it to turn out>

I just don't know. I guess I should take my own advice and not try to be genuine friends with a member of the opposite sex. Maybe it's perfect like it is, and I have to learn to live with what comes my way, rather than forcing my will on the issue and probably ruining the remote chances of a relationship that my heart would prefer.

If this makes no sense, think how I feel living it.

To borrow a concept/saying: Is a few crumbs in the hand worth more than a possibility of a future meal at the dining room table?


Saturday, December 05, 2009

Blog "Articles"

My blog articles are meant to be entertainment and not advice. I am speaking of my latest emotional, mental and spiritual challenges, and I do like to encourage others to journal in private for your eyes only and send the essence of your received inspiration and guidance to a blog of your own.

Comments appreciated!!!

And please consider buying my poetry book for yourself or a friend for holiday gift giving.

I just decided to go communicate with live people today, so I'm off the internet. Toodles.
Love and Light, Sandy "Joy"

Friday, December 04, 2009

Opposite-Sex Friendships--What do you think?

I don't believe that men and women can be just friends (for very long.)

Unless one of them is gay.

Or if they have no emotions, their minds are hearts are detached or they only want a f**k buddy. (That is like lighting matches and seeing how long you can hold one until it burns you.)You either make a move for a more solid relationship or get burned which is more likely. Both are a form of gambling.

First off, men don't understand how women communicate. And they can't interpret what a woman means either verbally or with body-language. Very few men can pick up on emotions, vibes or signals...unless they are emotion/energy vampires. Most people are terrified of commitment and being open emotionally, especially men, but quite a few women. Then again, when people have lived a long time and are familiar with both good relationships and also what it's like to be rejected a number of times, they tend to weigh the odds and opt out of taking a chance more often than not. Not worth the gamble with their hearts. Too painful. On the other hand, if they say they do want emotional intimacy, they just find some other excuse to keep their distance.

Secondly, sexual tension usually drives one of the opposite-sex-just-friends crazy and they tend to run away as fast as they can (or succumb to the temptation and make a mess of things.) Maybe it will eventually develop it into an affair, or a romance, or even a marriage. On the other hand it could result in a broken-heart. (Or a sad opinion of yourself as judged by someone who has refused your romantic attentions. My advice it keep it light-hearted until you know which way it's going.) The other way, i.e. forcing the issue too soon is like diving off a cliff, sometimes you land in the water, but more likely you will land on the rocks. Ouch.)

Perhaps the whole issue calls for some serious prayer time.

Actually if you read clues you can see what's coming. People have intuition, especially women. If it doesn't feel good or it's a little off, it's probably a mistake. Sticking out a friendship that isn't working is still a gamble but it can be like a drug or a game or contest -- sometimes you win but not often. And people bring their pasts and their baggage with them...they get into faulting each other based on what someone else might have done to them.

I guess opposite-sex friendships are doomed in the long run.

I am so glad I had the wonderful loving relationship with my late husband for the whole 22 years I knew him. And glad we were able to become friends after we were older, had been married for a long time (when he started going deaf, was worn out from working too hard and trying to make ends meet, and our love life was put on hold due to illnesses. Then he died. Without friendship we would have been miserable. We had a good foundation of unconditional, spiritual, love. Thank you, God. It was wonderful--just 22 years seems too short a time in a long life to be in love.)

As far as men of an older age, shall we say, that aren't interested in recruiting lovers among women their own age, "You have no idea what you are missing. Don't be so stupid. What are you waiting for, someone to throw the dirt over your coffin? Sorry, that'll be too late."

In fact, unless you men have the body of a Greek God and a wonderful, well-adjusted psyche, don't even think that women who aren't still 20 years old, and no longer pretty & shapely, aren't good enough for you. Maybe an older woman can offer more in the quality of a deep and equal relationship than a girl who's got the looks. Besides, how do you think the girls are gonna look 30 or 40 years from now? How will you look by then?

Does anybody, man or woman, want to be judged by looks? It's unkind. It could make us so self-conscious we'd all be incapable, if you know what I mean. Look around. There are very few movie-star beautiful people wandering around in reality.

The body is just a vehicle for the person: the heart, mind and soul. Why does it matter so much to you to have a perfect body? It's a useful tool to communicate with and touch the beauty in every person and experience. Use it or loose it.

Some guys are like dogs that chase cars. What would a chihuahua do with a Lexus if it caught one? Ha. Contrary to popular American thinking, women are not over the hill when they hit age 49. Like, if a guy has a pot-belly, where does he get off criticizing me for having one?

I HATE the double standard. Heck, I thought we handled all this back in 1965 or 1970--when was the sexual revolution?--forgodsake. And don't pretend it's okay to call a woman friend and tell her about all your young lovers (which we doubt are true anyway, and, hey buddy, it hurts even if we are "just friends." Even tho I believe just friends is a myth. We all want love which is just a glorified form of acceptance. My mentor Wally Minto said that love is allowing a person to be what they are and not what their not. I like that definition. I try to do that. If you want to disprove it, I'll take on your argument. (Add comments below, men and women.) Don't take this personally either, I might not mean YOU you. More like the universal you.
All of us.

Disclaimer: This is my opinion as a writer and is, in no way, intended to be based on my own life, nor to reflect negatively on any person alive or dead. And absolutely not meant to be a psychological or scientific article, diagnosis for your problems, nor advice. You're on your own, kids, just like I am. Good luck.

Read my personal comment below. And feel free to send me a comment. Looking forward to it.

Thursday, December 03, 2009

From my Friend Heather & Her Website: The Language of Love

From my friend Heather and her website The Silent Language of Peace

The Golden Key by Emmet Fox at

Intro. to The Golden Key by Emmet Fox

For those who have been listening to The Silent Language of Peace, (you can find it in our Free Downloads too) the following booklet - published in 1931 - will seem familiar, and somewhat similar to the OK Concept by Wally Minto (track 3). But there is an important difference. If you've worked with the OK Concept you'll know how life-changing it is when you stop focusing on anxious, fearful thoughts.

The Golden Key takes this process one step further. It explains the importance of releasing the problem and then turning all of your focus to God. You can do this by practicing the toning-meditation (SLP track 7 ) and focusing on peace, but to go a step further you focus on God, the Universe, Divine Love, Infinite Wisdom...whatever you want to call it - just focus there.

I found this booklet just over a month ago, and I've watched one miracle after another unfold gracefully and easily. I hope you'll enjoy is too! (You can listen, download or read!) Heather

Emmet Fox

FOREWARD I have compressed this booklet into six pages. Had it been possible I would have reduced it to six lines. It is not intended to be an instructional treatise, but a practical recipe for getting out of trouble. Study and research are well in their own time and place, but no amount of either will get you out of a concrete difficulty. Nothing but practical work in your own consciousness will do that. The mistake made by most people, when things go wrong, is to skim through book after book, without getting anywhere. Read the Golden Key several times. DO exactly what it says, and if you are persistent enough you will overcome any difficulty. Emmet Fox THE GOLDEN KEY

SCIENTIFIC PRAYER will enable you to get yourself or anyone else, out of any difficulty. It is the golden key to harmony and happiness.

To those who have no acquaintance with the mightiest power in existence, this may appear to be a rash claim, but it needs only a fair trial to prove that, without a shadow of doubt, it is a just one. You need take no one's word for it, and you should not. Simply try it for yourself.

God is omnipotent, and we are God's image and likeness and have dominion over all things. This is the inspired teaching, and it is intended to be taken literally, at its face value. The ability to draw on this power is not the special prerogative of the mystic or the saint, as is so often supposed, or even of the highly trained practitioner. Everyone has this ability Whoever you are, wherever you may be, the golden key to harmony is in your hand now. This is because in scientific prayer it is God who works, and not you, and so your particular limitations or weaknesses are of no account in the process. You are only the channel through which the divine action takes place, and your treatment will be just the getting of yourself out of the way.

Beginners often get startling results the first time, for all that is essential is to have an open mind and sufficient faith to try the experiment. Apart from that, you may hold any views on religion, or none.

As for the actual method of working, like all fundamental things, it is simplicity itself. All you have to do is this: Stop thinking about the difficulty, whatever it is, and think about God instead. This is the complete rule, and if only you will do this, the trouble, whatever it is, will disappear. It makes no difference what kind of trouble it is. It may be a big thing or a little thing: it may concern health, finance, a lawsuit, a quarrel, an accident, or anything else conceivable: but whatever it is, stop thinking about it and think of God instead -- that is all you have to do.

It could not be simpler, could it? God could scarcely have made it simpler, and yet it never fails to work when given a fair trial.

Do not try to form a picture of God, which is impossible. Work by rehearsing anything or everything that you know about God. God is wisdom, truth, inconceivable love. God is present everywhere, has infinite power, knows everything, and so on. It matters not how well you may think you understand these things: go over them repeatedly.

But you must stop thinking of the trouble, whatever it is. The rule is, to think about God. If you are thinking about your difficulty, you are not thinking about God. To be continually glancing over your shoulder in order to see how matters are progressing is fatal, because it is thinking of the trouble, and you must think of God and nothing else. Your object is to drive the thought of the difficulty out of your consciousness, for a few moments at least, substituting for it the thought of God. This is the crux of the whole thing. If you can become so absorbed in this consideration of the spiritual world that you forget for a while about the difficulty, you will find that you are safely and comfortably out of your difficulty -- that your demonstration is made.

In order to "golden key" a troublesome person or a difficult situation, think. "Now I am going to 'golden key' John, or Mary. or that threatened danger": then proceed to drive all thought of John, or Mary, or the danger out of your mind, replacing it with the thought of God.

By working in this way about a person, you are not seeking to influence his conduct in any way, except that you prevent him from injuring or annoying you, and you do him nothing but good. Thereafter, he is certain to be in some degree a better, wiser, and more spiritual person, just because you have "golden keyed" him. A pending lawsuit or other difficulty would probably fade out harmlessly without coming to a crisis, justice being done to all parties concerned.

If you find that you can do this very quickly, you may repeat the operation several times a day with intervals between. Be sure, however, each time you have done it, that you drop all thought of the matter until the next time. This is important. We have said that the golden key is simple, and so it is, but of course it is not always easy to turn. If you are very frightened or worried, at first it may be difficult to get your thoughts away from material things. But by constantly repeating a statement of absolute Truth, such as: There is no power but God: I am the child of God, filled and surrounded by the perfect peace of God: God is love; God is guiding me now; or, perhaps best and simplest of all. God is with me -- however mechanical or trite it may seem -- you will soon find that the treatment has begun to "take." And that your mind is clearing. Do not struggle violently; be quiet, but insistent. Each time you find your attention wandering, switch it back to God.

Do not try to think in advance what the solution to your difficulty will be. This is called "outlining" and will only delay the demonstration. Leave the question of ways and means to God. You want to get out of your difficulty...that is sufficient. You do your half, and God will never fail to do God's.

"Whoever calls on the name of the Lord shall be saved." (Acts 2:21). Updated 11/30/09

Click on Heather's website link at the beginning of this post to hear her read it and see the pictures, and find other helpful information, spiritual support, and benefits of her ministry.

Thanks for reading me and discovering Heather. "Love is the answer, it doesn't matter what the question is." Anon.

Love, Sandy

Tuesday, December 01, 2009

Mental Health Day Nov 30 -- Find me on Facebook too

I took the day off Monday from being a human being and running in the human rat race. I sat with my feelings all day and felt my (EMOTIONAL) pain and did no OC behavior to assuage it. (OC: obsessive compulsive.) I didn't drink, drug, overeat, shop, gamble, play with fire (seduce anyone) or call someone to whine. I just sat and felt my feelings. I knew the miserable feelings would pass (or I would eventually. LOL)

My thinking was a bit awful so I ignored it. I get in those self-pity modes and try to switch over to intellect instead of emotional "level." It's hard because my mind keeps commenting on everything (mostly negatively) and making my heart ache more...thoughts and feelings like "nobody loves me anymore," or "nobody calls me." All that stuff that is just not true...well, maybe a little true some days, but mostly it's my ego trying to sabotage me.

AHA. I waited it out; so today I woke up feeling really well...not just good, but well. I admitted "the truth of my emotion level" whatever it involved yesterday, and sat with it, didn't try to fix it or fix myself or ask someone to fix me or fill me up with substitute (or fake?) emotions or other addictive & repetitive behavior. I waited it out.

I feel pretty good now too, about myself and my life. Sane, energetic, and back to being a wonderful being of Light and Love. Thank you, HP (Higher Powers.)

How philosophical.

I have avoided my feelings for long enough, probably 60 some years, when my baby brother was born and destroyed my illusions of being the only baby in the world, the center of the universe and subject of my parent's & grandparents total adoration. I felt the Universe pulled the rug out from under me. And I couldn't handle it. (Sorry Ted, no offense.)

So instead of letting my little heart heal, I went on to break my own heart over and over by gathering evidence both real and fantastical. It amounted to having an inferiority complex and a superiority complex at the same time. DUH. (Well, I am a writer and am nothing if I don't have a highly active imagination. I don't need to use it as a club to beat myself up with, however.)

In reality I am fine, have always been fine and it took me a half a century to begin to love myself. And recognize my tendency to hate myself on behalf of other people. That is sick behavior. That is why I have attended various 12-Step and healing groups over the last 35 or 40 years (don't ever stop growing.) I feel the program is my real roots and the place I can go to be 100% my real self and be unconditionally accepted by non-judgmental people like me. (Growing not flawed.)

I also decided yesterday, "I want to be alone" at the same time I want to be with other people, or maybe one particular person. That's a paradox that I can only handle one day at a time. Yesterday I was unhappy that I wasn't able to spend more time (another hour, day, or even a week or month) in close proximity to a beloved friend. Today, it's OK. He's fine, I'm fine -- exactly like it "should" be. I am enjoying my own company and following my favorite pastime, writing. I can make room for friends and private time and keep growing.

I am snapping out of those "bad" moods quicker than I used to. YAY. And I can begin to love people without having to pressure them or "own" them but more able to wish for their happiness and well-being -- with unconditional and Divine Love. (I've been on that Universal rug (foundation) all along and just couldn't see it. I am so grateful when I do see and feel it. Reality is awesome. I love LIFE.

I do want to have a deep healing so I can offer a possible future partner a whole, loving, stable, kind, mature, confident, independent and spiritual soulmate. Not just to capture someone who's stumbling along like me and using them to lean on, or take on the job of trying to fix them (or make them worse, godforbid) in order to avoid my own growth and enlightenment (and usefulness for that matter.)

I don't feel that the people I most wish to communicate with and also want to unintentionally avoid revealing myself to, are ever going to go out of their way to read my blogs. So if they do, fine. If not, that's okay too. Love ya'all.

I am a Gemini mostly and swing back and forth from passionately experiencing opposite states of being and moods in my head, heart and even soul. I need to work around that, it ain't gonna go away by itself.

A friend recently said he doesn't "trust" people that are always in a good mood. Well, I called him on that since he always appears to be in a cheerful & good mood all the time. (Tho he has emotional struggles, and I am able to not judge him or desire to fix him. Progress!)

I probably come across as cheerful all the time, too, to some people, but I know that is not the real me (or real anyone) anymore than the sad me is all me -- we all experience ups and downs and we're supposed to, I think. Part of living life.

When I got out of my intellectual state of mind and made a half-hearted attempt to express my feelings (albeit in a watered-down, even cryptic way,) my friend laughed at me! It disappointed me, but I understand now. Being secretive instead of frank is manipulative in some ways. (If you are reading this, T, I apologize.)

My inner child is such a spoiled brat!!! Ooh, ooh, ooh. Snatching defeat out of the jaws of success time after time. Time to STOP that.

So, instead of putting this on facebook to a few people that I try to live vicariously through, especially the successful authors like I wish I were,) I am putting my emotional leaps and bounds out here in cyberspace for millions (?) of people to read. Especially the ones like me, friends, and other perfect strangers. (You can fool some of the people some of the Honest Abe said. Kidding.)

It is no good staying aloof for an entire lifetime. I must become open and honest (especially with myself) and stop hiding if I want to survive as an effective and liberated senior citizen. That is called emotional honesty. My new goal.

Thank you to my friends and other strangers who support me in this adventure. (And thanks to those I love and those that love me, you know who you are.)

Comments? Email me. See my comment below.

By the way: I asked my grown son one night if he thought I would ever be able to get a "boyfriend" again (now that I'm old and a widow.) And he said, "Why don't you call [a certain person we both know] and ask him out?" I said, "I tried that and he's not interested." I then added, "Besides, he is a little bit crazy." And my son paused and said, "So are you, Mom." I said, "Exactly, that's why we would be good for each other!"

Monday, November 23, 2009

Life as a 3-Ring Circus?

We spoke about the holidays in my grief support group tonight. It's doing a lot of inner work on me but it is only a short workshop. I have a feeling I need something on-going.

My life is truly a three-ring circus right now. I am dealing with grief, dealing with my own health & life, and getting used to having kids and grandkids living with me.

A big adjustment--not as much money. On retirement. Too old to start a new career?

Heal from loss and grief and/or finding friends and perhaps another relationship? Lots of questions to avoid, I mean, tackle.

I am a writer, a minister or druid, take your pick, and metaphysician with a PhD in Holistic Health.

Unemployed ?...if no one reads your stuff, are you really a writer? If you don't practice your ministry in a "job" is it still ministry? If I am in metaphysics & holistic health life-coach with no coaching clients, am I that?

I am full of love and life and gratitude. And I have no one special person to share it with, to share my life with, and share my love with. It's ironic, the more alive and joyful I feel, the more frustrated I feel.
Temporary I hope.

I feel like I have been waiting my whole life for something. I am getting old. I can't wait anymore. I want my real life now!!!

My late husband Ed loved me unconditionally and I loved him the same. Oh, it's true human love is only a manifestation of pure divine love. But 22 years with him is not enough. I hope there is reincarnation and he and I will fall in love again and again and again. And I hope I can still claim the right to find another soulmate this time around.


Thursday, September 10, 2009

Getting Off of Oxygen

I began using oxygen at night and then 24/7 for shortness of breath due to damaged heart valve. I had heart surgery Jan. 23, 2009. I was still short of breath afterwards and still had to use the O2 afterwards.

My recovery was slow but my breathing gradually improved and I was able to get down from 5 or 4 liters to 2 liters. I am still at that point. I live in the mountains at 7200 feet elevation. I drive down to 5000 feet (yes, Albuquerque is also a mile high like Denver.) My SAT (saturation of O2 will dip down into the 80 percent mark. At the lower elevation I can breathe without the O2 for short trips away from my van and portable oxygen tank like picking up the mail at the post office and going into the bank.

I guess I am just afraid to do without it for good. Although I hate having the cannula in my nostrils and dragging around the 60 plastic tube that gets tangled on things (nearly tossed me to the floor the other night. I walk with a cane now instead of a walker due to arthritis, no, it hardly hurts but one leg is shorter than the other and I walk with a serious limp.)

Anyway, does anyone have any advice as to how I can develop my breathing and get off the O2 for good? My heart is functioning well with two new bio-valves, by the way. No lasting heart disorders. I do have high blood pressure and take meds to control it. I continue to walk as often as I can but do not do exercizes per se. I lost a great deal of weight but have put some of it back on. After not being able to eat while sick for nearly a year, I am enjoying food again.

Please leave your comments. Thanks, Sandy

Wednesday, September 09, 2009

Irish Funeral Prayer by Henry Scott Holland, May 1910

Death is nothing at all.
It does not count.
I have only slipped away into the next room.
Everything remains as it was.
The old life that we lived so fondly together is untouched, unchanged.
Whatever we were to each other, that we are still.
Call me by the old familiar name.
Speak of me in the easy way which you always used.
Put no sorrow in your tone.
Laugh as we always laughed, at the little jokes that we enjoyed together.
Play, smile, think of me, pray for me.
Let my name be ever the household word that it always was.
Let it be spoken without effort.
Life means all that it ever meant. It is the same as it ever was.
There is unbroken continuity.
Why should I be out of mind because I am out of sight?
I am but waiting for you, for an interval, somewhere very near just around the corner.
All is well. Nothing is hurt; nothing is lost.
One brief moment and all will be as it was before.
How we shall laugh at the trouble of parting, when we meet again.

by Henry Scott Holland, St. Paul's London, May 15, 1910.

Friday, July 10, 2009


My husband passed away June 6th, just before his birthday. I miss him very very much.

Sunday, March 29, 2009

My Recent Ordeals

Hi. I've been gone a long time. I took a class the end of July about psychic readings and spirit guides (mine has always been Jesus and also Virgin/Mother Mary). The next day after that weekend I came down with a cold. The next weekend I came down with a high fever I thought was the flu. I took my temp and lay down on the bed. My husband came to see me 15 mins. so I thought and I told it was dangerously high 103, and I should prob. go to the hospital. He told me later that was 4 days later. I have no memory of that nor the ride to the ER.

I was in a drug induced coma, entubed, and given massive antibiotics for months to fight this superbacteria Strep 2 of Strep B. They are usually fatal.

I came to, so to speak, when they were ready to remove the second tube from my lungs. My son and his "wife" were there beside the bed. My husband was out in the hall, I guess. I was trying to speak and tell them this was going to be AWFUL in case they wanted to leave the room, but I couldn't speak or write, I was totally weak. They did remove the tube and I threw up a few times and later I was allowed to drink water.

I had been in intensive care, I remember a woman doctor or nurse in green scrubs coming in to see me. I remember a lot of different rooms they took me to. At Lovelace you always have a roommate and never seem to have the same RN or Tech more than once. I didn't eat. Was hallucinating from meds, I guess.
I remember a Tech named Deja who made me get used to sitting up and I gave him an autographed copy of my book of poetry and he sat and read it and said, This is my favorite and read aloud to me. I was very grateful to him.

I had the infection in my spine which required 2 spinal surgeries, it went into my heart and damaged 2 valves and then to my brain and gave me a minor stroke.

After I got my consciousness back, I was transferred across the street to Kindred, the hospital for recuperation. I cried and cried (depressed). I was NOT thrilled with having PT and having to get up and try to work on my walking. But the PT ladies were very kind and encouraging and nice. I went to sleep one night and woke up blind in my rt. eye but that cleared up finally, something about the liquid in my eyeball. And one of my legs is shorter than the other, so I am getting special shoes with one lift of one and a quarter inch so I can walk without limping or on the tips of my toes on one foot.

I went home and did well for a week or three, my cousin Christine came to visit me from Delaware. And then I started to get to the point I couldn't breathe. I had to go see a cardiologist--a young Native American woman. She is wonderful but she told me I had to get the valves replaced in my heart. I cried because I do not like surgery or hospitals.

She sent me to see the surgeon for Lovelace and for some reason he didn't like me (thought I was a big sissy and would cry and complain, which was absolutely right!) He told me to exercize and get in shape which I did for a month or more.

Then I started to fade into weakness and shortness of breath. So I went back and thought he would schedule my surgery but he told me (and my husband, so I wasn't hallucinating) that he was going to ask my cardiologist to recommend another surgeon.

We left and called NM Heart Institute for the next cardiosurgeon available and went to meet Dr. Gerety. He scheduled my surgery for a few days (11 maybe) and I went in on Jan. 19. Since my other organs needs stabilizing like kidneys, I had to wait until Jan. 23rd for the surgery. Surgery is a snap. You get pushed into the room, lifted onto a table, put
to sleep and you don't remember a thing for four days.

The Heart Hospital of NM was wonderful except for the RN's or PT's who abducted me out of chair and forced me to "walk" with a walker I was not used to while they were pushing and pulling on me down the hall. The whole time I was screaming and shouting that I couldn't walk, I had not been able to walk when I got the hospital--I have severe arthritis in my right hip.

They shouted threats and judgements at me and scared the heck out of me. After that, if anyone mentioned walk I would burst into tears. Yes, I did squeal on them and they left me alone. I finally got up to walk insisting I had to do it with my own walker and be able to rest when I wanted and walk as far as I decided and to get to go back. I had also threatened to call my lawyer since I know my patient rights. The rule is, tho, you can't go home unless you walk at least to the toilet. So with the docs and RN's and PT standing by I shuffled over to the bathroom in my slippers and I got to come home.

I signed on Heritage Home Care for PT and OT and home RN.
They came a week and I had to return to the heart hospital to get the fluids drained from inside me. So when I got back home, they came back and taught me how to get around and how to walk and do things in the kitchen and bathtub. They were wonderful. Encouraging. I am very grateful. It was Karen, Carol and Ellen. The night after they were finished coming I fell on my left side. Luckily nothing was broken, just bruised. So that's fine. Still a little worried about falling, but doing better. Fear helps nothing.

My husband has been fixing most meals for me. But I am able to lie down in bed and breathe again...I still need oxygen and it drops down when I move or walk. Hopefully my lungs will improve in capacity and I can get off oxygen.

I am doing much much better. I had many many friends and relatives praying for me as well as many angels sent to be with me by Betsy Coffman. So I am thankful to them and God for my survival.

Love, Sandy (Comments invited.) I've lost 50 lbs. but gained back 10, some is fluid in my left leg. I look scrawny and all bones and skin. And OLD. Yuk.