Friday, December 25, 2009

More on Friendships

I find it impossible or maybe just horribly painful, to try to maintain a friendship with a person that you really love. You force yourself to accept crumbs off the table, in hopes you'll get invited to the grand banquet sooner or later.

A great deal of the ups and downs in relationships are created by your own mind. You feel happy when the person wants to hear from you and greets you warmly, may even seek out your attention. You feel miserable thinking that you are perhaps wasting your time on something that is no more than a wish or an illusion.

There is the uncomfortable feeling that you'd like to have more relating to a more satisfying degree. Like wanting to see someone on a certain day but afraid that if you let your happiness hinge on that fleeting possibility, the other person will shy away from that. Big question--do you even have a right to expect more?

It's nearly impossible to not want what you want.

Too controlling? Too needy? Too, too.


I want to enjoy my close friendship with a certain person, and I want to be satisfied, or rather happy, with what I do receive. But am I selling myself short? Could I take that same time to get to know someone else with whom the chances of a romance and love affair are better than 5 or 10%? Should anything but 100% be worth it to me? Is that merely my7 old "either/or" thinking? Is sticking by a close friend in hopes they will someday feel they want to be with you in equal intensity that you crave, harmful to your feelings and your life?

I just don't know. I just know that some days I am elated and happy, and other days I am very down and crying for wanting that special someone. Would another person even fill my needs when I have strong feelings for someone who doesn't return the attraction/affection?

I wish I could find out without having to find out, if you know what I mean.

Is a lifetime (what's left of it) with a particular loved-one preferable to chasing after relationship after relationship and coming up with something really different than you would like it to turn out>

I just don't know. I guess I should take my own advice and not try to be genuine friends with a member of the opposite sex. Maybe it's perfect like it is, and I have to learn to live with what comes my way, rather than forcing my will on the issue and probably ruining the remote chances of a relationship that my heart would prefer.

If this makes no sense, think how I feel living it.

To borrow a concept/saying: Is a few crumbs in the hand worth more than a possibility of a future meal at the dining room table?


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