Leap Year The Movie -- Did They Do "It"? I say YES

Leap Year. Yes or No? YES. My reasons for thinking they did have sex/make love are below. (These are not in chronological order according to the events in the movie. I wrote them down as I thought of them.

1. He’s a guy and she’s an American. And this was in 2010 not 1910.
2. I ask myself what I would do if I were 20-something.
3. What did the characters say that also meant something else?
4. Numerous facial expressions throughout that say something else than what is actually said.
5. What he said when he came into the room to tell her he would drive her to Dublin. Highly suggestive and foreshadowing? "Come on. Let's do it. But only because you're desperate."6.
6. Declan telling the legend about the castle. What was that all about?
7. Why did Declan say "no peeking?" He wanted her to peek. After all, he peeked at her. It's like saying:(Try not to think about an elephant,right?)
8. Anna bumped into the door when leaving the room. She was looking back at him...dazzled by the sight of him with a towel around his waist. Naked muscles.
9. Frank saying at dinner: “You’re young, married, in love, anyone can see that.”
10. Them “faking” a kiss at the dining table and their reaction to it. Definately a serious communication that surprised them both.(Did you notice Anna how leaned into the kiss? He break it off. They looked into each others eyes and then went back to the charade. Immediately serious and embarrased. That was a real kiss. If you ask me that sealed their fate.
11. What do the words "chancers" and "cheats" refer to, used more than once?(see below.) Was he possibly thinking Anna was similar to Kaleigh. He was probably reluctant to be the one to make the first real move because he'd got burned once with Kaleigh.
12. Watch for the recurring elements that were used to indicate things from earlier scenes relating to what happened later. Also numerous facial or verbal expressions. i.e.: "You know I don't like surprises" and then "You just surprised me. You keep doing that." He told her to "shut up" when he was feeling bad, then when they were driving off at the end, she told him to "shut up" in a humerous way.
13. Declan's facial expressions after Anna says: “Fine, if it’s all about money to you, 675 Euros it is.” Was it? He frowned and thought it over. If he made it all about money, he wouldn't be able to make it about something else, would he? I don't think he wanted to be in bed with a girl and asking for money.
14. They looked at each other when they were both "secretly" turned on and quickly turned away. They were attracted, I surmise, not just in a state of lust. And do you think that was the end of it? The scene ended so we don't know for sure what happened after that, do we? Of course they made love.
15. Back to the time they were in the bed and breakfast deciding who'd sleep in the bed. Declan wanted to win that coin toss either way--heads or tails. He wanted to be in that bed with her regardless. Later in the hotel they were "saying" so much more than they really said. The tone of their voices was intimate. He said asking for the one bob in hushed tones after he glanced around to make sure no one was listening, "The one we flipped for the bed." (Why did she say "Liar" when she gave him the coin? What was she referring to? Maybe the fact of him getting into the bed regardless.
16. When he woke up in the morning and gently removed his hand from her shoulder, he looked at her and gave the tiniest of smiles. Don't miss it. He also looked not just at her face to make sure she was still asleep, but like he felt sure of her or what they had expressed in the night.
17. She has this look on her face when she wakes up. Did she look sort of thoughtful? Like feeling guilty maybe. Or knowing she was in love with him and what was she going to do now--it didn't fit into her plans.
18. When they were downstairs again and Anna was on the phone, Declan brings her breakfast he made for her as if it were a gift, a way to show his joy towards her. His tender enthusiasm turns to disappointment when he hears her on the phone with Jeremy. (Also, offering food is a symbol of offering love.)
19. I think Declan’s expression when Frank asks, “Did you sleep well, lovebirds” and winks. Did Frank perhaps hear something? Declan realized Frank knew. Declan didn't even answer him just turns away keeping his face devoid of expression.
20. Declan continually referring to diddly-eye...meaning “foolish” in Irish slang, implying she was "dancing" her way through life as a shallow person? Didn't he sound a little bitter about diddly-eye a couple of times he said it?
21. The whole thing at the bus station, facial expressions and what is said and not said. Affection, attachment? She saw he was disappointed she left on the bus, or he thinks so, and being happy when he realized she didn't. At that time she knew he cared for her and she was pleased.
22. The look on his face in the bus (contemplation)and him being comfortable with her head on his shoulder.
23. Declan gradually sharing his feelings from the beginning of the movie to the end. By the time they were on the bridge he was opening up to her. It intimate to share your deep feelings with someone. Bonding. But they were also holding back, wary of taking their feelings to the next level.
24. Declan’s tone of voice softening up throughout the movie. He revealed his sensitivity or whatever it's called. In real life men don't do that. Why is it the man I want doesn't exist?
25. Him saying, “You never let your hair down, woman,” and the look that went with it. He was teasing, but did he know she did let her hair down? Watch his face and eyes.
26. His reaction to her agreeing to dance at the wedding and the way he watched her dance. He looked happy instead in misery (about his broken heart over Kaliegh.)
27. On the beach after the wedding. Body language. She leaned against him several times torso to torso connecting. She looked comfortable doing that.
28. When she puked on his shoes and he mutters, “Now that’s romantic.” Having had sex the night before he felt it was romantic not just a free fuck.
29. The way they continually held back from declaring their feelings for each other. Waiting for a sign that the other really took it all seriously. It was obvious they were falling in love but each had a reason they didn't want to make it real by bringing out in the open.
30. One of the biggest plot tricks in romance writing and cinematography -- skipping ahead in the narrative/scene to further developments without actually showing them, i.e. leaving things entirely to the imagination. It my opinion that after the scene cuts to darkness, it was not the end of the action.
31. Matthew Goode’s remarks about it in one interview regarding his daughter being able to see the movie when she's older i.e., that there was nothing sexual, at least not on the screen. He obviously thought sex was implied off camera. Why else was the movie nearly given a PG-13 instead of PG? (Later I listed to his interview and that part had been cut.
32. Typical romance genre formula, sex is a given, even if it's not shown or mentioned. One romance writer said in an article: Some romance writers like to write the sexy love scenes in detail. Other others like to let their characters make love on the blank space between chapter." I paraphrase. (What do I know? I never finished writing my romance book.)
33. When Declan says, “I thought me and Kaleigh were mad for each other," and then added “Apparently not,” and the questioning look he gives Anna. This is my favorite scene, melted my heart. I think he was trying to ask her if it was the same way with her.
34. Asking for only “the one bob.” What did "bob" come to mean? Watch all the facial facial expressions and body language when they talked in the hotel lobby.
35. Jeremy asks if Anna "tipped" Declan and Declan says, “She paid me.” Related to what he said at the end, “It’s going to cost you,” What did she "pay" him with.
36. Oh. Anna was obviously flustered when Jeremy asks Declan “Did she take care of you?” Then Anna if she tipped Declan. Why was she so flustered? This scene makes absolutely no sense unless the answer to this subject is "yes." When Declan says, "She paid me," is he talking about money? And when Declan tells her at the end "It'll cost you," I don't think he meant money since money/payment mean something else to them. And why is he still calling her “bob” when they go on the honeymoon. Did "bob" come to mean something else to them? This is a very subtle word-play.
37. After she accepts his proposal, they kiss; dos that look like a first kiss?!?
38. Would they really get engaged on the basis of only one faked kiss?

Here's another interesting item...regarding symbols in the movie... Declan is always eating apples. The symbols for an apple is, of course, forbidden fruit as well as love, beauty, youth and happiness, according to the internet. It's interesting that he keeps biting into apples and tossing them away half finished. After the disappointment about the breakfast he'd made for Anna, he grabs up another apple. When he tosses the apple half eaten into the trash can, what do you think that means? Think about it.
_________________________________________________________
Definition of CHANCER British: a scheming opportunist
1. a two-faced chancer, he doesn't hesitate to dump people when they are no longer of any use; 2. betrayed by a chancer who, he mistakenly thought, was his friend

Definition of CHEAT: 1. to deprive of something valuable by the use of deceit or fraud, 2. to influence or lead by deceit, trick, or artifice

Do you think Declan was trying to determine if Anna was a chancer or cheat? Why would he even want to find that out? Based on what?

So let me know if anyone reads this and what you think about it.

When Weather Attacks

I feel so beat-up by the weather in 2010.

First that hail storm in October. I have NEVER seen a hail storm that bad in my entire life. The sound was horrid, scared the grandkids, like artillery hitting the house. Shattering of the skylights.

This led to another horrid experience, the roofing job. The insurance company promised to pay for the whole thing less my deductible. Fine. I was in charge of hiring the roofer. I picked Otero and Sons. In short, it was 6 weeks of very unpleasant experiences. I do not recommend hiring them. (I don't think they can sue me for being honest. I was not happy with my contact with them and the roof, something I will have to live with the rest of my life (in this house, assuming my kids won't send me to a nursing home when I get feeble.)

Now it's the snow. I bought a Ford Focus, not thinking ahead to snowfall in the mountains. As a matter of fact, I assumed that my family members and various service providers would have 4-wheel drive, so I'd be okay. The whole time I lived in the mountains I didn't need or use 4-wheel drive except on rare occasions. Front-wheel drive got me through. I most remember the time I drove to work down Sedillo Hill in neutral, the traffic was that slow.

Nor did I use air-conditioning until a few years ago--which included living in Las Vegas NV 16 years in the heat. I got used to desert living.

I am no longer used to snow. It strikes me with fear and loathing.

I have hired a snow plower and will undoubtedly hire him again and again for as long as it takes to get out of here alive.

Christmas week it was warm, light coats and pleasant sunshine...in the upper 40's and lower 50's in Albuquerque. Lows in the mountains about freezing. Wonderful winter weather, if you ask me.

Then the temps dropped below zero at night, warming up to 10 degrees during the days. Our water pipes froze. No water. Turned it back on when it melted and the pressure tank went up to 120 before we cut it back off. So still no water. Paid a small fortune to have an electrical fix it in the fall. Now what?!

I love Mother Nature. But I hate some of Her little gifts.

I certainly hope I do not have to add anymore disasters to this blog.

Grief and Me, BFF?

Hell, I was sitting here this morning in my robe on the computer--writing and playing games. And I was feeling "guilty" about it.

I judge myself for doing what I feel like doing. I always feel like I'm doing "something wrong."

Then I realized I was waiting for Ed to come home and approve of me so everything will be okay again.

He's not coming home anymore.

I wish I could go back to that moment in the hospital when he took his last breath, and yank him back.

I didn't mean to let him go.

Leap Year the movie

I have fallen in love with a movie and a movie character. Of course I love Amy Adams. I have been watching her movies so much lately I feel as if she's my new best friend. My BFF? She's always good. I love her acting. However, I am talking about her co-star "Declan O'Callaghan."

I admit I am a bit obsessive compulsive but the movie I am fascinated with is Leap Year. You might say I am addicted to it since I watched it on HBO every time it was on, then bought the DVD and have been watching it ever since. I'm getting' my money's worth out of that DVD, diddly-eye.

I have never seen Matthew Goode in a movie before this one. Never even heard of him. (In fact, when I saw this movie in the theater it didn't really impress me. Where was I? DUH.) But what I am sure of now is that his acting is absolutely amazing. I am just blow away by his portrayal of Declan O'Callaghan in Leap Year. (I joined NetFlix so I can see all his other movies.)

What makes it even more amazing is that Matthew Goode is completely submerged in the character he creates. Declan is scruffy, quiet, distant and then open with his feelings. Plus those expressive eyes and looks, and the facial expressions!?! OMG. There is just no Matthew Goode showing through the role. Declan is a real and unique person.

I assumed Goode was like other actors--playing a role and bringing a good deal of himself into it. But the character in the movie is absolutely not Matthew Goode! Now that I have seen interviews of Matthew Goode online, seeing how he looks,how he sounds, I simply cannot even imagine that Matthew Goode is underneath the guy that's Declan O'Callaghan. Goode is a master and a genius at creating a film persona. He loses himself and becomes the role. If he keeps it up and they give him some good scripts, he might just be one of the best actors ever.

It's not just good acting, it's a conjuring trick, a feat of magic. I have rarely if ever seen such a thing. For instance, I used to love Gerry Butler movies. I didn't fall in-love with his characters, I fell in love with him. In all his pictures I could still see the actor under the costume and underneath/within the role. In fact, I think he often just pays himself with a different name. Even as different as he was in 300, I still knew it was Gerry. Even when he does Irish, British or American accents instead of using his lovely Scots accent, he is still and actor in a role.

This is so not true with Matthew and Declan. Matthew is in a class by himself. A magnificent actor. I am so going to join Netflix so I can see all his movies. (I assume he is a fabulous actor in all of them.) And he's a cutie. Especially those big blue eyes.

It's still amazing for me to see Leap Year and read all the meanings I find in it (whether they are there or not or it's just me, I don't know. I'm a Gemini. We see meaning in everything even when it's not there.) I think it's absurd that critics criticized Leap Year. What the heck? The fans love it and it has developed a new following from the DVD than there was for the original movie. People are still talking and writing about it. And of course, like me, watching it again and again.

One of the things I like about the movie is technique employed similar to that used in The Sixth Sense: skipping from scene to scene obviously leaving things to the imagination as a way to advance the plot and create some mystery into the story. For example the first time I saw Leap Year on HBO, I assumed, along with other viewers,that Declan and Anna slept in the same bed in the B & B and avoided temptation. That's how it appears.

Later, it dawned on me that they DID do it, and the whole movie became much more understandable. I have written a list of 38 hintsin the movie that prove Declan and Anna, OF COURSE, made love at the B & B. I put these in a more recent blog entry. (Please send comments...even if you want to argue about it.)

Everything after that point in the movie make a huge amount of sense. Look at the eyes, the looks, and the dialog, and you'll see what I mean. (One big reason is that he's a guy. He's a guy. Duh. And she's an American girl. And he wanted to win the coin toss so that he could have the bed, and she would have to get into bed with him. And listen to the words of the song. There are numerous clues, before and after the "event."

Other things in the movie that have double meaning: At the castle, was he or wasn't he hitting on her? He was telling a legend about the original couple that came to that castle and finally consummated their love after a time of not wanting to two-time the man she was betrothed to. I think Declan was admitting how he didn't want to betray the other man in Anna's life, and how much he valued love and the consummating of it.

He also revealed his values and integrity when he said in the garden, "A father is someone you can rely on."

The story might be formula romance (like in the romance novel genre.) Except this story has a few switcheroos. In a romance it is usually the girl that takes sexual relations seriously and feels sad that the guy doesn't. In this story it's Declan that takes the love making seriously and was hurt that Anna didn't seem to take it as seriously.

Remember the scene in Dublin on the bridge? Declan was talking about his feelings (do guys only do this in romance novels and movies?) When he said, "I thought me and Kaleigh were mad for each other." Then he turns to Anna and says, "Apparently not." His face, eyes and demeanor are really saying, "I thought our love making at the B & B meant something. Did it mean anything to you?" He held himself back from speaking his mind frankly to her until he saw she was open to a relationship.

It wasn't his male ego that was hurt, it was his heart that was wounded, maybe his whole life. He didn't want Anna to "fix" him, he just wanted a sign from her that she was becoming a real person, willing to really value things in life like he did, seek true love instead of just romance, willing to be seek something other than material riches.

Diddly-eye ( i.e., dance your way along in life in foolishness? No one is sure what this means. It could be a reference about her way of making plans and being in control of things. In several instances he seems to mean that.) I believe he wanted a sign from her that she was something beyond shallow. He was waiting for an indication from her that she was willing to become sincere, genuine and caring. If she didn't show that, he didn't really want her. That's one reason he walked away when Jeremy proposed to her. She appeared to be still attracted to that big ring and a life of security with a man that she didn't love. Materialistic and a high society life style. He probably felt he couldn't offer her that type of life and wealth.

Read his facial expressions. Remember the scene when Declan's patrons/friends toss in extra money to save the pub from repossession? Declan puts his head down and give a half smile and shakes his head. This, to me, indicates that he was pleased and surprised to see people loved him and he's getting something he wants and needs. (His self-esteem might have been damaged when Kaleigh left him?) So when Anna is speaking to him in the pub near the last scene, and he lowers his head, gives that half smile, and shakes his head, it means the same. Not, "no, I don't want you" or "No, it's too little too late." It means, "I don't believe this. She loves me and I'm getting what I want." When she came back to him with a new appreciation of what life in Ireland with him, it was the sign he had been waiting for that she was ready to be a real person and live a life other than diddly-eyeing. He could then take strong positive action and move forward confidently.

The story is told in the facial expressions. And the key to the story is the recurring themes. The screenplay is great, the acting and direction are great.
Formula romance is pure fantasy, but Leap Year, while fun and funny, has serious,complex, and touching aspects that goes way beyond typical romance. It's a shame that romantic comedy isn't taken very seriously by critics and many viewers (they won't even look at them, dismiss them as "chick flicks." But Leap Year is a good movie not just a good chick flick romantic comedy. The caliber of Amy Adams and Matthew Goode lift this movie way beyond where it could have gone with two other actors.

Oh, another thing I like about this movie, it keeps changing or I notice more every time I see it. I noticed that Anna was the one approaching Declan. I am sure he thought she was a control-freak and was avoiding that. But she leaned into the kiss at the dinner table. She was the one approaching him to talk about personal things like on the bridge asking him about "chancers & cheaters." She was the one that stood in his face and pushed her body up against him on the beach at the wedding and told him what a lovely, lovely lion he was and tried to kiss him (even tho she was drink and puked. She was the one moving towards him and not being "sincere" about it. He was the one disappointed and waiting for her to grow up and wake up and admit she wanted him. So she came back to Ireland and "proposed" to him. It is the reverse of a typical romance where the guy is taking the girl for granted, coming on to her yet keeping his distance and the girl is the one who wants a more serious relationship and is hurting until it unfolds. In this switcheroo it's the guy in that role. Hmmm, clever.

In other words, Leap Year is worth seeing. Do it! And now that I have studied the movie to death, it's time to write my own romance novel. I have to do that while I am single because I plan on getting a new true love one of these days even if he's an old geeZER.

I have found a couple of downsides to watching good romantic comedies: You fall in love with a guy young enough to be your son, and find out again that the man you want doesn't really exist. (SIGH)

Okay, I gotta stop writing for tonight and watch a little Leap Year before bedtime. Declan is whispering in my ear, "Dream a little dream of me..."

Is it Normal Grief or Depression?: Beneficial Artical

Is it Normal Grief or Depression?: How to Decide If You Are Grieving or Depressed

Grief and Depression from my perspective

I keep trying to explain to people (well, a few of them) the difference between grief and depression. I AM experiencing grief because my husband died June 6, 2009, and the heart revisits other losses and the grief they brought (especially if it was not fully felt.)

But depression is different. A lot of people have theories as to what depression is and what to do about it.

The point I would like to make is that real clinical depression and Bipolar depression are a physiological disorder and have to do with brain chemistry or brain processing things like (and I am not a professional here) electrical synapses or neurotransmitters.

I would prefer to have NO comments about this, since understanding or learning ABOUT or hearing what people's helpful comments are as to what depression it, doesn't HELP. In fact, comments from people as to what they think it is are really not supportive at all.

Knowing about depression is not the same as knowing depression.

Here is the difference from my experiential perspective.

Grief is centered in the heart. When a bout of grief hits me, my heart aches (it is real pain) and I cry and feel it intensely. When I feel my grief and express it (mostly with crying and/or body language, whatever) the feeling is one of release and healing. When the bout is over (until the next time it strikes) I feel relief and certain healing, a wellness of being, a love of life, and hope or even eagerness for the future. It's like drawing closer to the light at the end of the tunnel and I see the light growing bigger and brighter. It has a spiritual context for Light, too, but that is not important in this blog entry here.

However, depression is centered in the head. It's a thing of thoughts. It's a psychic experience (not the ESP meaning of psychic.) I experience it like I have a hamster wheel in my brain and I run around and around looking for a comforting though. And can't find one. Like running down a long hall way and trying to find a room to go into to feel safe, but all the doors are locked. That kind of feeling. The sadness is not related to circumstances or situations, it's just that everything appears to be unbearably sad no matter what it is -- things that a little while ago were okay, acceptable, manageable, maybe joyful even.

Crying with depression makes the experience worse and worse until the pain brings on despair. When grief hits, the expression of it occurs and it's alleviated and bearable.

But expressing depression doesn't feel healing, it is not alleviated. The "end" of feeling depression is a state of numbness when I don't feel anything at all.

Expressing and feeling grief turns me back on to life, experiencing depression removes me from life.

So, this is my opinion. Keep in mind arguing about this won't make anyone feel better. I don't need opinions. If you want to comment, send some love to me..

Please go to the link published on my blog above for a good entry on grief vs. depression. Thanks.

Sherlock

New series on PBS: Sherlock (a 21st century "consulting detective") starring Benedict Cumberbatch and Martin Freeman as Dr. John Watson. EXCELLENT. WONDERFUL. FABULOUS.

I loved the "old" Sherlock, too. But this show is phenomenal.

Cumberbatch is good, fascinating, and strikingly handsome in an exotic way (love that curly hair and blue blue eyes) but Martin Freeman is funny, cute, and a wonderful actor and I adore his Dr. Watson struggling to maintain equilibrium while following along on the radical adventures of the young Sherlock Holmes.

Watch it. It's good.

MORE MORE MORE ! We want more ! Tell BBC and PBS!!!

NaNoWriMo

I am taking the challenge. National Novel Writing Month. Check out the website. I am going to write a novel in November. I have to come up with an idea, stick with it and type my fingers to the bone. (I hope some characters contact me in my dreams before Nov. 1 and give me the plot they want. Heck, the genre, too.) Wish me luck!

Assignment for Unity Basics Class

RE: Early Beliefs Systems

I don’t feel I have any old religious beliefs from my childhood, especially ones that are holding me back. I used to think Moses really parted the Red Sea and that Transcendentalism was cool in high school but I didn’t think there were any Transcendentalism churches. (Back east was very traditional in the 50’s and early 60’s. All there was was Christians, Jews, and, I suppose, atheists.)

I joined the local community church because it was closest to home. Luckily, I had an open-minded Sunday school teacher in high school who had us reading the Bible and participating in discussions where we could explore and express our opinions and beliefs. I also liked Catholicism because of the ritual and feminine aspect (Mother of God) and attended that church occasionally—though it was a longer walk.

I realized in college that studying history was basically studying religion because the political history of the world is basically religious history. I got hooked. Eventually I studied a little bit of a lot of religions in the 60’s and 70’s including Zen. I was what they now refer to as a “seeker” (as well as a hippie, a drunk, and a pot-head among other vices.)

I have worked on one 12-Step program after another since the late 1970’s. As a result got rid of my old ideas and started on the path of “change your mind, change your life.”

I found Science of Mind in Las Vegas NV (of all places, sin city!) and stayed with that the longest. I took some of the classes more than once and went through half of Practitioner II training. I met the true love of my life at Rel.Sci. church in Las Vegas and spent 22 wonderful years married to him. I also got into A Course in Miracles off and on for more than 20 years.

After I quit working at age 55, I got my BS, MS and PhD in Metaphysics from the American Institute of Holistic Theology. That and $2.95 will get me a cup of coffee. Since then I’ve written and published a couple of books. (flash fiction humor and and poetry.)

I’ve recently gone back to 12-Step meetings because I was having a hard time with my grief after my husband died in June 2009. I did grief work and I’m learning to lead an individual life and still growing as a person.

I have developed to the point I am no longer “seeking” and no longer motivated to keep learning as fervently as I once did (my head is full.) But I hope I keep learning from life and from others and expanding my consciousness, knowledge and capabilities for the rest of my life. That includes continuously working Step 11: Seek through prayer and meditation to improve my conscious contact with God (as I understand God,) praying only for knowledge of God’s will for me and the power to carry it out. In addition I want to learn to give more, love more, practice the spiritual principles I have/will learn, and to enjoy life.

I started attending Unity church because it was closest to my home in the mountains. And I find now that it is closest to the religious experience I wish to have and because Sunday services at Albuquerque Unity are fun!

SandyJoy Schairer Oct. 20, 2010

Photo of me at new friends' house in San Jose

Photo by my daughter in law Nicole

After SisterSpirit Hearts on Fire Retreat May 2010

New poem:

I used to be sad
Now I'm not
I was closed
Now I'm open,
I was bound
Boundless now
Joyful, alive & free.

I used to be a stranger
Now I'm definitely ME,
I put away my old role
To loosen up my soul,
Have a brand new role now
Authenticity.

I used to be asleep
Now I'm wide awake
I live to give
And give to live
With a GREAT BIG JUICY LIFE!

Joy S Schairer
Thanks to Future Rev. Mrs. Abigail, the Dream Team, and all the wonderful new friends at SisterSpirit

Poem by Sandy Schairer Jan. 30, 2010

Poem Sandy Schairer

Yes
They cow did jump over the moon
They told me so when I was four
However
What's more
They never told me about
The Korean War

I was 5
I could have been trusted with
that information

I'm still alive, by the way
Lived through VietNam Era:
Stoned, afraid, alone

No no Not alone
I had 2 kids, 2 parents, 4 grandparents,
and a lover Bobby
And Allen and Jay and Rod
And whatever that guy's name
In the next apartment was
Not necessarily in that order

I danced back then
On self-medication
Alcoholic Beverage

I danced again 40 years later!
SOBER
It was FINE

I love myself now
And I'm recovering from...from...???
All of it!
I give myself permission
Always and forever.

End

Happy New Year

BAH HUMBUG

Blogs may express sentiments that are out of date

Here is where I stand now on the opposite-sex friendships. They are not as impossible as I once thought they were. From my hand written journal see below:

_________________________________________

" My male-friend and I seem to have an enthusiasm for exploring human nature and willingness to do that together or at the same time. It’s not predictable or “standard” but it’s good just like it is. Real with real ups and downs.

“Good for us! We’re doing well.

“IT’S GOING TO BE OKAY. EVERYTHING IS [ALWAYS] OKAY.

“By joining our paths for awhile we will grow in confidence and capability and be stronger, more alive people, able to go on as individuals and perhaps have future partners afterward more completely and easily.

“I really, really want to have a learning relationship that is based on two strong individuals− no dependency or ownership, no serious jealousy and no judging or condemning the way each of us is. Just acceptance and a willingness to try.

“I need to become a complete whole person and individual in myself and I think the right type of non-committed, loving friendship with freedom to give and freedom to be free would help me become a “grown-up,” stable woman who could accept a man just the way he really is.

“I just can’t get over how much my communication is helping me understand myself! Wow.

“With a friend so sweet, open and honest, I can’t help loving him.

“Later: I think an active and even difficult learning experience within a mysterious, unpredictable relationship − especially an intense one in many areas − is a great opportunity in life.

Even later: “I think what I want to learn eventually is how to share love on an emotional basis as honestly and direct as I can be − not just going through the motions but intimacy and caring and giving and receiving with awareness and openness.” [Without hiding or retreating, or overwhelmed with fear, I mean.]


“It would be so good to have that kind of loving experience in this lifetime before it’s over.


"I want a close friendship with affection but not be ‘a couple,’ not to go places as ‘a unit.’ I want my freedom, my friends and my separate life, activities, decisions and my own home, my own stuff, and my privacy.


But I do want to give this strange 'educational' relationship a chance to develop. So wish us some luck."
_______________________

Nothing happens by accident. We draw people into our lives for a reason. And everything works out for the best if we acknowledge the guidance of Spirit in everything that happens. Nothing happens in the long-run, except by God's Will.

More on Friendships

I find it impossible or maybe just horribly painful, to try to maintain a friendship with a person that you really love. You force yourself to accept crumbs off the table, in hopes you'll get invited to the grand banquet sooner or later.

A great deal of the ups and downs in relationships are created by your own mind. You feel happy when the person wants to hear from you and greets you warmly, may even seek out your attention. You feel miserable thinking that you are perhaps wasting your time on something that is no more than a wish or an illusion.

There is the uncomfortable feeling that you'd like to have more relating to a more satisfying degree. Like wanting to see someone on a certain day but afraid that if you let your happiness hinge on that fleeting possibility, the other person will shy away from that. Big question--do you even have a right to expect more?

It's nearly impossible to not want what you want.

Too controlling? Too needy? Too, too.

Whatever.

I want to enjoy my close friendship with a certain person, and I want to be satisfied, or rather happy, with what I do receive. But am I selling myself short? Could I take that same time to get to know someone else with whom the chances of a romance and love affair are better than 5 or 10%? Should anything but 100% be worth it to me? Is that merely my7 old "either/or" thinking? Is sticking by a close friend in hopes they will someday feel they want to be with you in equal intensity that you crave, harmful to your feelings and your life?

I just don't know. I just know that some days I am elated and happy, and other days I am very down and crying for wanting that special someone. Would another person even fill my needs when I have strong feelings for someone who doesn't return the attraction/affection?

I wish I could find out without having to find out, if you know what I mean.

Is a lifetime (what's left of it) with a particular loved-one preferable to chasing after relationship after relationship and coming up with something really different than you would like it to turn out>

I just don't know. I guess I should take my own advice and not try to be genuine friends with a member of the opposite sex. Maybe it's perfect like it is, and I have to learn to live with what comes my way, rather than forcing my will on the issue and probably ruining the remote chances of a relationship that my heart would prefer.

If this makes no sense, think how I feel living it.

To borrow a concept/saying: Is a few crumbs in the hand worth more than a possibility of a future meal at the dining room table?

Help.

Blog "Articles"

My blog articles are meant to be entertainment and not advice. I am speaking of my latest emotional, mental and spiritual challenges, and I do like to encourage others to journal in private for your eyes only and send the essence of your received inspiration and guidance to a blog of your own.

Comments appreciated!!!

And please consider buying my poetry book for yourself or a friend for holiday gift giving.

I just decided to go communicate with live people today, so I'm off the internet. Toodles.
Love and Light, Sandy "Joy"

Opposite-Sex Friendships--What do you think?

I don't believe that men and women can be just friends (for very long.)

Unless one of them is gay.

Or if they have no emotions, their minds are hearts are detached or they only want a f**k buddy. (That is like lighting matches and seeing how long you can hold one until it burns you.)You either make a move for a more solid relationship or get burned which is more likely. Both are a form of gambling.

First off, men don't understand how women communicate. And they can't interpret what a woman means either verbally or with body-language. Very few men can pick up on emotions, vibes or signals...unless they are emotion/energy vampires. Most people are terrified of commitment and being open emotionally, especially men, but quite a few women. Then again, when people have lived a long time and are familiar with both good relationships and also what it's like to be rejected a number of times, they tend to weigh the odds and opt out of taking a chance more often than not. Not worth the gamble with their hearts. Too painful. On the other hand, if they say they do want emotional intimacy, they just find some other excuse to keep their distance.

Secondly, sexual tension usually drives one of the opposite-sex-just-friends crazy and they tend to run away as fast as they can (or succumb to the temptation and make a mess of things.) Maybe it will eventually develop it into an affair, or a romance, or even a marriage. On the other hand it could result in a broken-heart. (Or a sad opinion of yourself as judged by someone who has refused your romantic attentions. My advice it keep it light-hearted until you know which way it's going.) The other way, i.e. forcing the issue too soon is like diving off a cliff, sometimes you land in the water, but more likely you will land on the rocks. Ouch.)

Perhaps the whole issue calls for some serious prayer time.

Actually if you read clues you can see what's coming. People have intuition, especially women. If it doesn't feel good or it's a little off, it's probably a mistake. Sticking out a friendship that isn't working is still a gamble but it can be like a drug or a game or contest -- sometimes you win but not often. And people bring their pasts and their baggage with them...they get into faulting each other based on what someone else might have done to them.

I guess opposite-sex friendships are doomed in the long run.

I am so glad I had the wonderful loving relationship with my late husband for the whole 22 years I knew him. And glad we were able to become friends after we were older, had been married for a long time (when he started going deaf, was worn out from working too hard and trying to make ends meet, and our love life was put on hold due to illnesses. Then he died. Without friendship we would have been miserable. We had a good foundation of unconditional, spiritual, love. Thank you, God. It was wonderful--just 22 years seems too short a time in a long life to be in love.)

As far as men of an older age, shall we say, that aren't interested in recruiting lovers among women their own age, "You have no idea what you are missing. Don't be so stupid. What are you waiting for, someone to throw the dirt over your coffin? Sorry, that'll be too late."

In fact, unless you men have the body of a Greek God and a wonderful, well-adjusted psyche, don't even think that women who aren't still 20 years old, and no longer pretty & shapely, aren't good enough for you. Maybe an older woman can offer more in the quality of a deep and equal relationship than a girl who's got the looks. Besides, how do you think the girls are gonna look 30 or 40 years from now? How will you look by then?

Does anybody, man or woman, want to be judged by looks? It's unkind. It could make us so self-conscious we'd all be incapable, if you know what I mean. Look around. There are very few movie-star beautiful people wandering around in reality.

The body is just a vehicle for the person: the heart, mind and soul. Why does it matter so much to you to have a perfect body? It's a useful tool to communicate with and touch the beauty in every person and experience. Use it or loose it.

Some guys are like dogs that chase cars. What would a chihuahua do with a Lexus if it caught one? Ha. Contrary to popular American thinking, women are not over the hill when they hit age 49. Like, if a guy has a pot-belly, where does he get off criticizing me for having one?

I HATE the double standard. Heck, I thought we handled all this back in 1965 or 1970--when was the sexual revolution?--forgodsake. And don't pretend it's okay to call a woman friend and tell her about all your young lovers (which we doubt are true anyway, and, hey buddy, it hurts even if we are "just friends." Even tho I believe just friends is a myth. We all want love which is just a glorified form of acceptance. My mentor Wally Minto said that love is allowing a person to be what they are and not what their not. I like that definition. I try to do that. If you want to disprove it, I'll take on your argument. (Add comments below, men and women.) Don't take this personally either, I might not mean YOU you. More like the universal you. All of us.

Disclaimer: This is my opinion as a writer and is, in no way, intended to be based on my own life, nor to reflect negatively on any person alive or dead. And absolutely not meant to be a psychological or scientific article, diagnosis for your problems, nor advice. You're on your own, kids, just like I am. Good luck.

Read my personal comment below. And feel free to send me a comment. Looking forward to it.

From my Friend Heather & Her Website: The Language of Love

From my friend Heather and her website The Silent Language of Peace

The Golden Key by Emmet Fox at aspaceoflove.com

Intro. to The Golden Key by Emmet Fox

For those who have been listening to The Silent Language of Peace, (you can find it in our Free Downloads too) the following booklet - published in 1931 - will seem familiar, and somewhat similar to the OK Concept by Wally Minto (track 3). But there is an important difference. If you've worked with the OK Concept you'll know how life-changing it is when you stop focusing on anxious, fearful thoughts.

The Golden Key takes this process one step further. It explains the importance of releasing the problem and then turning all of your focus to God. You can do this by practicing the toning-meditation (SLP track 7 ) and focusing on peace, but to go a step further you focus on God, the Universe, Divine Love, Infinite Wisdom...whatever you want to call it - just focus there.

I found this booklet just over a month ago, and I've watched one miracle after another unfold gracefully and easily. I hope you'll enjoy is too! (You can listen, download or read!) Heather

THE GOLDEN KEY
by
Emmet Fox

FOREWARD I have compressed this booklet into six pages. Had it been possible I would have reduced it to six lines. It is not intended to be an instructional treatise, but a practical recipe for getting out of trouble. Study and research are well in their own time and place, but no amount of either will get you out of a concrete difficulty. Nothing but practical work in your own consciousness will do that. The mistake made by most people, when things go wrong, is to skim through book after book, without getting anywhere. Read the Golden Key several times. DO exactly what it says, and if you are persistent enough you will overcome any difficulty. Emmet Fox THE GOLDEN KEY

SCIENTIFIC PRAYER will enable you to get yourself or anyone else, out of any difficulty. It is the golden key to harmony and happiness.

To those who have no acquaintance with the mightiest power in existence, this may appear to be a rash claim, but it needs only a fair trial to prove that, without a shadow of doubt, it is a just one. You need take no one's word for it, and you should not. Simply try it for yourself.

God is omnipotent, and we are God's image and likeness and have dominion over all things. This is the inspired teaching, and it is intended to be taken literally, at its face value. The ability to draw on this power is not the special prerogative of the mystic or the saint, as is so often supposed, or even of the highly trained practitioner. Everyone has this ability Whoever you are, wherever you may be, the golden key to harmony is in your hand now. This is because in scientific prayer it is God who works, and not you, and so your particular limitations or weaknesses are of no account in the process. You are only the channel through which the divine action takes place, and your treatment will be just the getting of yourself out of the way.

Beginners often get startling results the first time, for all that is essential is to have an open mind and sufficient faith to try the experiment. Apart from that, you may hold any views on religion, or none.

As for the actual method of working, like all fundamental things, it is simplicity itself. All you have to do is this: Stop thinking about the difficulty, whatever it is, and think about God instead. This is the complete rule, and if only you will do this, the trouble, whatever it is, will disappear. It makes no difference what kind of trouble it is. It may be a big thing or a little thing: it may concern health, finance, a lawsuit, a quarrel, an accident, or anything else conceivable: but whatever it is, stop thinking about it and think of God instead -- that is all you have to do.

It could not be simpler, could it? God could scarcely have made it simpler, and yet it never fails to work when given a fair trial.

Do not try to form a picture of God, which is impossible. Work by rehearsing anything or everything that you know about God. God is wisdom, truth, inconceivable love. God is present everywhere, has infinite power, knows everything, and so on. It matters not how well you may think you understand these things: go over them repeatedly.

But you must stop thinking of the trouble, whatever it is. The rule is, to think about God. If you are thinking about your difficulty, you are not thinking about God. To be continually glancing over your shoulder in order to see how matters are progressing is fatal, because it is thinking of the trouble, and you must think of God and nothing else. Your object is to drive the thought of the difficulty out of your consciousness, for a few moments at least, substituting for it the thought of God. This is the crux of the whole thing. If you can become so absorbed in this consideration of the spiritual world that you forget for a while about the difficulty, you will find that you are safely and comfortably out of your difficulty -- that your demonstration is made.

In order to "golden key" a troublesome person or a difficult situation, think. "Now I am going to 'golden key' John, or Mary. or that threatened danger": then proceed to drive all thought of John, or Mary, or the danger out of your mind, replacing it with the thought of God.

By working in this way about a person, you are not seeking to influence his conduct in any way, except that you prevent him from injuring or annoying you, and you do him nothing but good. Thereafter, he is certain to be in some degree a better, wiser, and more spiritual person, just because you have "golden keyed" him. A pending lawsuit or other difficulty would probably fade out harmlessly without coming to a crisis, justice being done to all parties concerned.

If you find that you can do this very quickly, you may repeat the operation several times a day with intervals between. Be sure, however, each time you have done it, that you drop all thought of the matter until the next time. This is important. We have said that the golden key is simple, and so it is, but of course it is not always easy to turn. If you are very frightened or worried, at first it may be difficult to get your thoughts away from material things. But by constantly repeating a statement of absolute Truth, such as: There is no power but God: I am the child of God, filled and surrounded by the perfect peace of God: God is love; God is guiding me now; or, perhaps best and simplest of all. God is with me -- however mechanical or trite it may seem -- you will soon find that the treatment has begun to "take." And that your mind is clearing. Do not struggle violently; be quiet, but insistent. Each time you find your attention wandering, switch it back to God.

Do not try to think in advance what the solution to your difficulty will be. This is called "outlining" and will only delay the demonstration. Leave the question of ways and means to God. You want to get out of your difficulty...that is sufficient. You do your half, and God will never fail to do God's.

"Whoever calls on the name of the Lord shall be saved." (Acts 2:21). Updated 11/30/09

Click on Heather's website link at the beginning of this post to hear her read it and see the pictures, and find other helpful information, spiritual support, and benefits of her ministry.

Thanks for reading me and discovering Heather. "Love is the answer, it doesn't matter what the question is." Anon.

Love, Sandy

Mental Health Day Nov 30 -- Find me on Facebook too

I took the day off Monday from being a human being and running in the human rat race. I sat with my feelings all day and felt my (EMOTIONAL) pain and did no OC behavior to assuage it. (OC: obsessive compulsive.) I didn't drink, drug, overeat, shop, gamble, play with fire (seduce anyone) or call someone to whine. I just sat and felt my feelings. I knew the miserable feelings would pass (or I would eventually. LOL)

My thinking was a bit awful so I ignored it. I get in those self-pity modes and try to switch over to intellect instead of emotional "level." It's hard because my mind keeps commenting on everything (mostly negatively) and making my heart ache more...thoughts and feelings like "nobody loves me anymore," or "nobody calls me." All that stuff that is just not true...well, maybe a little true some days, but mostly it's my ego trying to sabotage me.

AHA. I waited it out; so today I woke up feeling really well...not just good, but well. I admitted "the truth of my emotion level" whatever it involved yesterday, and sat with it, didn't try to fix it or fix myself or ask someone to fix me or fill me up with substitute (or fake?) emotions or other addictive & repetitive behavior. I waited it out.

I feel pretty good now too, about myself and my life. Sane, energetic, and back to being a wonderful being of Light and Love. Thank you, HP (Higher Powers.)

How philosophical.

I have avoided my feelings for long enough, probably 60 some years, when my baby brother was born and destroyed my illusions of being the only baby in the world, the center of the universe and subject of my parent's & grandparents total adoration. I felt the Universe pulled the rug out from under me. And I couldn't handle it. (Sorry Ted, no offense.)

So instead of letting my little heart heal, I went on to break my own heart over and over by gathering evidence both real and fantastical. It amounted to having an inferiority complex and a superiority complex at the same time. DUH. (Well, I am a writer and am nothing if I don't have a highly active imagination. I don't need to use it as a club to beat myself up with, however.)

In reality I am fine, have always been fine and it took me a half a century to begin to love myself. And recognize my tendency to hate myself on behalf of other people. That is sick behavior. That is why I have attended various 12-Step and healing groups over the last 35 or 40 years (don't ever stop growing.) I feel the program is my real roots and the place I can go to be 100% my real self and be unconditionally accepted by non-judgmental people like me. (Growing not flawed.)

I also decided yesterday, "I want to be alone" at the same time I want to be with other people, or maybe one particular person. That's a paradox that I can only handle one day at a time. Yesterday I was unhappy that I wasn't able to spend more time (another hour, day, or even a week or month) in close proximity to a beloved friend. Today, it's OK. He's fine, I'm fine -- exactly like it "should" be. I am enjoying my own company and following my favorite pastime, writing. I can make room for friends and private time and keep growing.

I am snapping out of those "bad" moods quicker than I used to. YAY. And I can begin to love people without having to pressure them or "own" them but more able to wish for their happiness and well-being -- with unconditional and Divine Love. (I've been on that Universal rug (foundation) all along and just couldn't see it. I am so grateful when I do see and feel it. Reality is awesome. I love LIFE.

I do want to have a deep healing so I can offer a possible future partner a whole, loving, stable, kind, mature, confident, independent and spiritual soulmate. Not just to capture someone who's stumbling along like me and using them to lean on, or take on the job of trying to fix them (or make them worse, godforbid) in order to avoid my own growth and enlightenment (and usefulness for that matter.)

I don't feel that the people I most wish to communicate with and also want to unintentionally avoid revealing myself to, are ever going to go out of their way to read my blogs. So if they do, fine. If not, that's okay too. Love ya'all.

I am a Gemini mostly and swing back and forth from passionately experiencing opposite states of being and moods in my head, heart and even soul. I need to work around that, it ain't gonna go away by itself.

A friend recently said he doesn't "trust" people that are always in a good mood. Well, I called him on that since he always appears to be in a cheerful & good mood all the time. (Tho he has emotional struggles, and I am able to not judge him or desire to fix him. Progress!)

I probably come across as cheerful all the time, too, to some people, but I know that is not the real me (or real anyone) anymore than the sad me is all me -- we all experience ups and downs and we're supposed to, I think. Part of living life.

When I got out of my intellectual state of mind and made a half-hearted attempt to express my feelings (albeit in a watered-down, even cryptic way,) my friend laughed at me! It disappointed me, but I understand now. Being secretive instead of frank is manipulative in some ways. (If you are reading this, T, I apologize.)

My inner child is such a spoiled brat!!! Ooh, ooh, ooh. Snatching defeat out of the jaws of success time after time. Time to STOP that.

So, instead of putting this on facebook to a few people that I try to live vicariously through, especially the successful authors like I wish I were,) I am putting my emotional leaps and bounds out here in cyberspace for millions (?) of people to read. Especially the ones like me, friends, and other perfect strangers. (You can fool some of the people some of the time...like Honest Abe said. Kidding.)

It is no good staying aloof for an entire lifetime. I must become open and honest (especially with myself) and stop hiding if I want to survive as an effective and liberated senior citizen. That is called emotional honesty. My new goal.

Thank you to my friends and other strangers who support me in this adventure. (And thanks to those I love and those that love me, you know who you are.)

Amen.
Comments? Email me. See my comment below.

By the way: I asked my grown son one night if he thought I would ever be able to get a "boyfriend" again (now that I'm old and a widow.) And he said, "Why don't you call [a certain person we both know] and ask him out?" I said, "I tried that and he's not interested." I then added, "Besides, he is a little bit crazy." And my son paused and said, "So are you, Mom." I said, "Exactly, that's why we would be good for each other!"

Life as a 3-Ring Circus?

We spoke about the holidays in my grief support group tonight. It's doing a lot of inner work on me but it is only a short workshop. I have a feeling I need something on-going.

My life is truly a three-ring circus right now. I am dealing with grief, dealing with my own health & life, and getting used to having kids and grandkids living with me.

A big adjustment--not as much money. On retirement. Too old to start a new career?

Heal from loss and grief and/or finding friends and perhaps another relationship? Lots of questions to avoid, I mean, tackle.

I am a writer, a minister or druid, take your pick, and metaphysician with a PhD in Holistic Health.

Unemployed ?...if no one reads your stuff, are you really a writer? If you don't practice your ministry in a "job" is it still ministry? If I am in metaphysics & holistic health life-coach with no coaching clients, am I that?

I am full of love and life and gratitude. And I have no one special person to share it with, to share my life with, and share my love with. It's ironic, the more alive and joyful I feel, the more frustrated I feel.

Temporary I hope.

I feel like I have been waiting my whole life for something. I am getting old. I can't wait anymore. I want my real life now!!!

My late husband Ed loved me unconditionally and I loved him the same. Oh, it's true human love is only a manifestation of pure divine love. But 22 years with him is not enough. I hope there is reincarnation and he and I will fall in love again and again and again. And I hope I can still claim the right to find another soulmate this time around.

Goodnight.

Getting Off of Oxygen

I began using oxygen at night and then 24/7 for shortness of breath due to damaged heart valve. I had heart surgery Jan. 23, 2009. I was still short of breath afterwards and still had to use the O2 afterwards.

My recovery was slow but my breathing gradually improved and I was able to get down from 5 or 4 liters to 2 liters. I am still at that point. I live in the mountains at 7200 feet elevation. I drive down to 5000 feet (yes, Albuquerque is also a mile high like Denver.) My SAT (saturation of O2 will dip down into the 80 percent mark. At the lower elevation I can breathe without the O2 for short trips away from my van and portable oxygen tank like picking up the mail at the post office and going into the bank.

I guess I am just afraid to do without it for good. Although I hate having the cannula in my nostrils and dragging around the 60 plastic tube that gets tangled on things (nearly tossed me to the floor the other night. I walk with a cane now instead of a walker due to arthritis, no, it hardly hurts but one leg is shorter than the other and I walk with a serious limp.)

Anyway, does anyone have any advice as to how I can develop my breathing and get off the O2 for good? My heart is functioning well with two new bio-valves, by the way. No lasting heart disorders. I do have high blood pressure and take meds to control it. I continue to walk as often as I can but do not do exercizes per se. I lost a great deal of weight but have put some of it back on. After not being able to eat while sick for nearly a year, I am enjoying food again.

Please leave your comments. Thanks, Sandy

Irish Funeral Prayer by Henry Scott Holland, May 1910

Death is nothing at all.
It does not count.
I have only slipped away into the next room.
Everything remains as it was.
The old life that we lived so fondly together is untouched, unchanged.
Whatever we were to each other, that we are still.
Call me by the old familiar name.
Speak of me in the easy way which you always used.
Put no sorrow in your tone.
Laugh as we always laughed, at the little jokes that we enjoyed together.
Play, smile, think of me, pray for me.
Let my name be ever the household word that it always was.
Let it be spoken without effort.
Life means all that it ever meant. It is the same as it ever was.
There is unbroken continuity.
Why should I be out of mind because I am out of sight?
I am but waiting for you, for an interval, somewhere very near just around the corner.
All is well. Nothing is hurt; nothing is lost.
One brief moment and all will be as it was before.
How we shall laugh at the trouble of parting, when we meet again.


by Henry Scott Holland, St. Paul's London, May 15, 1910.

Ed

My husband passed away June 6th, just before his birthday. I miss him very very much.

My Recent Ordeals

Hi. I've been gone a long time. I took a class the end of July about psychic readings and spirit guides (mine has always been Jesus and also Virgin/Mother Mary). The next day after that weekend I came down with a cold. The next weekend I came down with a high fever I thought was the flu. I took my temp and lay down on the bed. My husband came to see me 15 mins. so I thought and I told it was dangerously high 103, and I should prob. go to the hospital. He told me later that was 4 days later. I have no memory of that nor the ride to the ER.

I was in a drug induced coma, entubed, and given massive antibiotics for months to fight this superbacteria Strep 2 of Strep B. They are usually fatal.

I came to, so to speak, when they were ready to remove the second tube from my lungs. My son and his "wife" were there beside the bed. My husband was out in the hall, I guess. I was trying to speak and tell them this was going to be AWFUL in case they wanted to leave the room, but I couldn't speak or write, I was totally weak. They did remove the tube and I threw up a few times and later I was allowed to drink water.

I had been in intensive care, I remember a woman doctor or nurse in green scrubs coming in to see me. I remember a lot of different rooms they took me to. At Lovelace you always have a roommate and never seem to have the same RN or Tech more than once. I didn't eat. Was hallucinating from meds, I guess.
I remember a Tech named Deja who made me get used to sitting up and I gave him an autographed copy of my book of poetry and he sat and read it and said, This is my favorite and read aloud to me. I was very grateful to him.

I had the infection in my spine which required 2 spinal surgeries, it went into my heart and damaged 2 valves and then to my brain and gave me a minor stroke.

After I got my consciousness back, I was transferred across the street to Kindred, the hospital for recuperation. I cried and cried (depressed). I was NOT thrilled with having PT and having to get up and try to work on my walking. But the PT ladies were very kind and encouraging and nice. I went to sleep one night and woke up blind in my rt. eye but that cleared up finally, something about the liquid in my eyeball. And one of my legs is shorter than the other, so I am getting special shoes with one lift of one and a quarter inch so I can walk without limping or on the tips of my toes on one foot.

I went home and did well for a week or three, my cousin Christine came to visit me from Delaware. And then I started to get to the point I couldn't breathe. I had to go see a cardiologist--a young Native American woman. She is wonderful but she told me I had to get the valves replaced in my heart. I cried because I do not like surgery or hospitals.

She sent me to see the surgeon for Lovelace and for some reason he didn't like me (thought I was a big sissy and would cry and complain, which was absolutely right!) He told me to exercize and get in shape which I did for a month or more.

Then I started to fade into weakness and shortness of breath. So I went back and thought he would schedule my surgery but he told me (and my husband, so I wasn't hallucinating) that he was going to ask my cardiologist to recommend another surgeon.

We left and called NM Heart Institute for the next cardiosurgeon available and went to meet Dr. Gerety. He scheduled my surgery for a few days (11 maybe) and I went in on Jan. 19. Since my other organs needs stabilizing like kidneys, I had to wait until Jan. 23rd for the surgery. Surgery is a snap. You get pushed into the room, lifted onto a table, put
to sleep and you don't remember a thing for four days.

The Heart Hospital of NM was wonderful except for the RN's or PT's who abducted me out of chair and forced me to "walk" with a walker I was not used to while they were pushing and pulling on me down the hall. The whole time I was screaming and shouting that I couldn't walk, I had not been able to walk when I got the hospital--I have severe arthritis in my right hip.

They shouted threats and judgements at me and scared the heck out of me. After that, if anyone mentioned walk I would burst into tears. Yes, I did squeal on them and they left me alone. I finally got up to walk insisting I had to do it with my own walker and be able to rest when I wanted and walk as far as I decided and to get to go back. I had also threatened to call my lawyer since I know my patient rights. The rule is, tho, you can't go home unless you walk at least to the toilet. So with the docs and RN's and PT standing by I shuffled over to the bathroom in my slippers and I got to come home.

I signed on Heritage Home Care for PT and OT and home RN.
They came a week and I had to return to the heart hospital to get the fluids drained from inside me. So when I got back home, they came back and taught me how to get around and how to walk and do things in the kitchen and bathtub. They were wonderful. Encouraging. I am very grateful. It was Karen, Carol and Ellen. The night after they were finished coming I fell on my left side. Luckily nothing was broken, just bruised. So that's fine. Still a little worried about falling, but doing better. Fear helps nothing.

My husband has been fixing most meals for me. But I am able to lie down in bed and breathe again...I still need oxygen and it drops down when I move or walk. Hopefully my lungs will improve in capacity and I can get off oxygen.

I am doing much much better. I had many many friends and relatives praying for me as well as many angels sent to be with me by Betsy Coffman. So I am thankful to them and God for my survival.

Love, Sandy (Comments invited.) I've lost 50 lbs. but gained back 10, some is fluid in my left leg. I look scrawny and all bones and skin. And OLD. Yuk.

Health Update

Apparenly the infection that spread through my body over the summer and fall has left me with two or possibly three damaged valves in my heart. I met with a surgeon--a tough surgeon. He has given me 3 weeks to get in shape being able to walk without getting all winded, etc. THEN he will decide if he will take me as a patient. He says he does not take cry-babies and whiners for patients. So I have to get over my fears and face doing difficult things, possibly painful, during my recovery. I have a lot of friends (and their friends) praying for me to get through this. You're are welcome, too.
Love, Sandy

A 40 Year wait

I cried to see the crowds that cheered for our new president elect Obama. I had thought that the young people in this country were apathetic. How wrong I was, thank God.

I remember when they sent that terrified little girl into a new school to start integration 1957--along with the National Guard to protect her and carry her books. I remember when they bussed my own children to different neighborhoods to enforce integration. Some parents were angry, some terrified. I was not, even when a purse snatcher attacked me outside the school.

Later a black family moved into a house two doors down from us and the kids all played well together.

I remember MLK and his famous speeches about the time I graduated from high school and went to camp as a counselor. We were all colors of staff and mostly an assortment of races and backgrounds for campers from the poorest parts of Philadelphia.

That summer we followed the news of the civil rights marches and sang "We shall overcome" many many times as we walked and had camp fires, etc.

AND BOY, HAVE WE OVERCOME!!! Took a lot of years. But here we are--a multi culture society and getting along. With hope and joy.

I never understood prejudice. It must be based on fear. We must work now on our other prejudices, Gays and Fat People.

In mid-school they sent one mixed racial child to integrate there and most of us made friends with her and accepted her into our social life at school...as we later did with retarded children and a blind boy in high school.

It was the birth of the youth movement in the USA.

In the early 60's they sent us one black student and we elected him president of the student council. His girlfriend was one of a handful of Jewish students in a crowd of almost all well-to-do WASPS. We would have integrated ourselves faster had the adults set it up for us. They tore down the school a couple years ago. But prior to that it was mostly black students with a few white kids. Turn-about.

In hippie days we did what we could to tear up old traditions and change the country if not the world. Then we lost JFK and MLK and hopes were dashed. Gloria Steinham on Oprah said it best, it was if our future was taken away from us.

When Obama won the presidential election I was amazed seeing the crowds cheering and dancing in joy-it was overwhelming. I had thought, silly me, that the young people were apathetic. I am so glad I was wrong, I had thought, too that the Others were going to steal the government again and continue to ruin the USA via violating the constitutional rights of the citizens, and unlimited spending for rich peoples causes.

Just how much power and money do individuals need? Enough should be enough. And caring if others may have enough, too. It's not bleeding heart liberal, it's human nature and certainly ought to be a real Christian ideal. Love one another, did He say?

I was thrilled to see that the country has again been taken back by the people and we have hope again after 40 years of down-sliding.

And NOW a president in favor of the people in a democracy created by the people, for the people, and of the people.

All I can say now is YAY.

Sandy Schairer
permission to forward in full with credit to the author, n0 partial quotes please.

Back from the Dead

Hello. I am home again after 3 months of hospitalizations. I missed the end of summer and am well into Fall. I had a terrible infection that started in my spine resulting in two spinal surgeries and then into my heart's sticky valve, and then into my brain resulting in a mild stroke. Since I was prone and in a coma for weeks with my lungs entubed (and could not speak nor move) I have lost my muscle tone. So combined with that and my arthritis, I am having a bit of trouble rehabilitating... i.e.,walking.

I am still on antibiotics for another couple of weeks plus assorted days which my husband administers through my "pic line" in my vein through little nozzles sticking out of my arm.

I have a ton of pills, many of which counteract the effects of the other pills.

And thank Mother FatherGod that they got my blood pressure under control with only 4 of the 5 meds they prescribed.

I have a damaged eye and need to go see about that and still a heart murmur which may or may not be serious some day.

But I assume I didn't want to die and leave my precious husband Ed who is caring for me so wonderfully. I have been told by a psychic that he is my soulmate. I myself remember us being together at lease one other lifetime. She said I must have decided I could not stand looking forward to losing him someday and might have wanted to leave myself first. I don't know.

Now...I have been left with anxiety disorder which one of my docs said is more like post-traumatic stress syndrome. Yes, I think so, I cry when I am sad and I cry when I am happy, too.

So I am practicing typing so I can get back to my writing career.

Love, Sandy

My Birthday is Coming Up June 3

I am in a very strange family...part of the family is very close knit and closed shut and won't admit anyone in except, it seems, blood relatives. They have parties and go on adventures and then send me pictures of what they do...but they don't invite me. Or my husband, and he is a blood relative. They just had a great birthday party for someone else and sent me photos -- to rub it in, I guess.

Bizarre.

Thank God for friends.

I have some close friends that will honor me for getting a year older if nothing else.

Rain

I must be in tune with the Earth.

I get real sick when it clouds up and rains.

Aches and pains. Congestion.

And tears falling

Just like the water from the sky.

Clouds in my head.

I don't call anyone

On the phone,

I stay home alone

And wait for it to pass.

~

I am glad the sun has returned.

My joy and love returned this morning.

I am healed.

(I was always healed

I just didn't know it

In the moment.)

But this too shall pass, huh?

Just like the rain clouds.

[Sigh]

Traffic

I have another rant.

Those drivers who tailgate me in an attempt to make me drive faster...

When they get tired of driving on my back bumper (the speed limit--hint hint) and yank their cars into another lane at a high rate of speed, they see cars in front of me in all lanes going slower than I was. What do they want? They want me to jump over the cars in front of me? I don't see them doing that.

This is especially annoying in the work zones where NOBODY obeys the speed limits anyway. What do they think the slower speeds are for? Might it be for everyone's safety...including their own? I don't think driving over a highway worker would make their day, but you never know.

The big semi-trucks on I-40 are the worst offenders. They get so close to the back of my car that you can't even see their headlights. I get trapped in a rolling box of semi's and they expect me to what???? Fly???

Okay, another thing. Don't those idiots, who speed through the 35 and 45 mile an hour zones in city traffic racing up to the red light only to stop abruptly in the exact same place as the people going the speed limit, know that pushing on the gas pedal to go faster in between red lights USES UP MORE GAS????

Driving at high speeds, especially over the limit by 10 or 20 miles per hour also uses up more gasoline...it takes more gas to get the engine to go faster especially at speeds over 60 miles per hour... the amount you use increases exponentially the faster you go. (Look it up.)

So, you blankety-blank stupid drivers -- get off my bumper and do everyone a favor -- including yourselves -- drive slower and at least pretend to be courteous, and don't use so much frickin' gasoline, it costs enough as it is and it's becoming a limited resource. Where you gonna speed to when it's gone?

Thank you. Good night.
Sandy Schairer, Writer

Writers on Scientology

I know I'm trying to advertise my poetry and short story book on my blog, and this sort of rant might not be the best way to do that...

But first and foremost I am a writer. I'm a writer who finds ideas wildly interesting and has to throw her two cents worth in every now and then for the sake of keeping the freedom of thought, belief and written word alive if for no other reason.


First of all, I want to go on record as saying that the first thing a repressive government/society does when they set out to control people's minds and limit their freedom is to silence the writers. This is proven to be true if you study history even cursorily.

Secondly, I want everyone to know that as long as there are blogs and bloggers continually writing thousands of opinions about thousands of subjects, there is NO WAY the government is going to shut up writers in this country.

Not unless they pull the plug on the entire Internet. I think we are a long way from that. I hope.

Even then, we'll find a way. We can speak our material if there is no paper or electronic way to jot it all down. From our minds to your ears.

So look out--here we go--what was the topic? OH YEAH...

I listened to most of the interview posted on the web in early April of Jason Beghe, the actor who was a Scientologist for14 years, and left the organization claiming they drove him "fucking crazy." Well, he certainly proves his point about being crazy. He rambles and appears confused quite often.

However, he does have some seriously lucid moments and valuable information about Scientology or at least his experience of it. I find it amazing that he still speaks with the jargon of the training and mentions the concepts as if the average person will have a clue what they are, being concepts completely contained within the teaching of Scientology. He's been out of the church for a year already.

Secondly, I appreciate him for coming forth with some information hitherto kept in secret by Scientology. The renegades from Mormonism and other secret organizations have also revealed some of the more strange practices that had been kept secret for years. As far as we know, this type of disclosure has and will keep some people from joining organizations that by reputation have been allegedly preventing freedom of thought if nothing else.

Okay. So what I decided after thinking about Jason's webcast interview (or is that webcasted?) is: Do we -- as innocent bystanders with nothing at stake -- have the right to stop people who voluntarily choose to be brainwashed?

Sure, Nazism comes to mind first. If a mass of people are going to be brainwashed and kill thousands of innocent people, we do need to step in sooner or later in the name of human rights, and heck, just doing the right thing. We stepped in and stopped Hitler because he was creating a Holocaust.

Strange that when China and other countries have and are doing the same thing--purging their countries of unwanted peoples, we haven't done a damn thing as Americans. Hmmm...

In addition, we do find many people in our society showing up to be brainwashed by other organizations than Scientology that have our full nationalistic support...take the military for example. People join and go through training, much like Scientology training--not pleasant but necessary to get from point A to point B alive. The "brainwashing" of soldiers is necessary for national security and other acts of war -- umm, to protect and serve. We count these people, especially the ones that give their lives for the cause, as HEROES. I can't say I haven't known a few, some close relatives of mine, for that matter.

One would think that if anyone (even a brainwashed person, who voluntarily submits to cruel and harsh treatment) would sooner or later realize that they no longer wish to participate -- they can stop, get out, leave, change their minds.

We can still do that in America. At least for awhile.

(The people who relate this to an abused/battered woman who stays with and/or returns to the perpetrator time and time again, has no ability to break away, have a point. But unless she's under the bed wrapped in chains with lock and key, there are many opportunities for women and even children in these situations to realize their plight, desire to change it, and find ways out. Just watching ordinary television one sees the public service announcements about this sort of thing. It's not easy, but doable, help is all around. Go for it!)

I am not saying that these cults that keep members separate from the rest of the world & shut off from all knowledge and experience with other people and information who are taught that unusual things are "normal," should continue. Like those cults they have uncovered and dispersed in Texas (which still exist in NM, by the way.)

But who are we protecting? Are we protecting them? From what? Are we protecting us from them? How? It seems to me that we are protecting them from themselves. That makes no sense. (I would never condone child abuse and a secret, separatist society or organization within a larger culture is still subject to the laws of the land. I think having sex with children whether you perform a marriage ceremony first or not, is still a horrible thing to do. We must stop this sort of thing.) Nonetheless, the pain caused by separating mothers and children is real pain and hurts all of us, not just those few individuals who have to endure it. A solution must somehow be reached ASAP for the sake of everyones mental health and peace of mind, past, present and future.

As much as I am glad that Jason Beghe came forward and told his story about joining, participating, and then leaving Scientology, I am sure someone will attempt to invalidate his personal experience. After all, if he had been a big success--it's would have been because of Scientology (like he said) and since he wasn't, well, they can always point out that he failed because he is failure-material--not cut out for Scientology. He left because he couldn't cut it...much like the soldiers that get drummed out because they are cowards--not sensitive young men and woman who realize being shot at or living in fear that they will be shot and/or having to shoot at other people drives them crazy.

I don't have a conclusion. I can't see a clear "right" or "wrong" here. We can debate this over and over from every angle but we are definitely in a conundrum -- preserving human rights might require we violate human rights to do it.

Now what?
_________________________________________________
Aside: I haven't an information about Scientology. But I am familiar with L. Ron Hubbard who was first and foremost a science fiction writer. Doesn't that sort of send up a red flag when you think of people starting a religion based on his writings? I can't say Scientology is bad or wrong. I just wonder at their use of psychological means to educate their members while bad-mouthing psychology. Life is stranger than fiction, isn't it?

The Vault of the Poeteer -- Buy with PayPal

Book Signing at Hastings on Tramway and Candelaria
April 11, 2008
Those of you in Albuquerque come and have
The Vault of the Poeteer
autographed by the author (ME!!!)
in person
between 5:30 and 9:30 PM

Others can contact me at
sandyliz@juno.com
for information on ordering the book in the mail or
buying the book NOW with PayPal

Happy Easter to the Family

Nearly a year has passed since you had a stranger reject us from your MasterMind Prosperity group, and effectively, from your life.

While it is true that a person's emotional reaction to something IS their own responsibility, that does not let everyone off the hook regarding their own behavior and/or dealing with the results of their behavior whether it was intended or not. We are all responsible for what we do and pretending it has no consequences is foolish.

You said you don't have to feel responsible nor to apologize because you didn't "intend" to hurt me. But I felt hurt and your hostile reaction to MY reaction was even more hurtful and incomprehensible than the original action.

Everything a person does does effect others--in fact, "they" say, it effects the whole Universe, like a ripple effect of throwing a pebble in a pond. "They" also say that you get back consequences from your actions and attitudes, like it or not.

So those two factors would seem to point towards taking responsibility more than trying to "worm-out" of things with hostile emails telling me to shut-up, threatening me with even more hostility, and finally giving both of us the royal silent treatment.

Sorry, but those reactions don't seem any "better" than my reaction to being hurt and becoming sad and angry and consequently being forced to deal with it all on my own.

~

Not that there is a "right or wrong" at play here in Reality. There's just LOVE. So "they" say.

~

And quite frankly your love for us is just "love-on-paper." You send us cards and notes signed with love but that's as far as it goes. It's not love in deed nor in attitude.

Frankly, you don't seem to care about us, love not withstanding, about our lives and how we feel and how we are doing. We understand that message, but what is this payback for since all we've done for your over the years was done with an attitude of love, caring and good intentions?


It seems that you have thrown the baby out with the bathwater, as "they" say.


I might be only a stepmother but I did consider myself a real family member for the last 20 years, and I lament the loss of that even it was a fantasy in my own mind.

I might have overcome my feelings, forgiven everything, and returned to a state of love...


But that doesn't mean I can trust you with my heart.


Happy Easter anyway. Love, Sandy