I took the day off Monday from being a human being and running in the human rat race. I sat with my feelings all day and felt my (EMOTIONAL) pain and did no OC behavior to assuage it. (OC: obsessive compulsive.) I didn't drink, drug, overeat, shop, gamble, play with fire (seduce anyone) or call someone to whine. I just sat and felt my feelings. I knew the miserable feelings would pass (or I would eventually. LOL)
My thinking was a bit awful so I ignored it. I get in those self-pity modes and try to switch over to intellect instead of emotional "level." It's hard because my mind keeps commenting on everything (mostly negatively) and making my heart ache more...thoughts and feelings like "nobody loves me anymore," or "nobody calls me." All that stuff that is just not true...well, maybe a little true some days, but mostly it's my ego trying to sabotage me.
AHA. I waited it out; so today I woke up feeling really well...not just good, but well. I admitted "the truth of my emotion level" whatever it involved yesterday, and sat with it, didn't try to fix it or fix myself or ask someone to fix me or fill me up with substitute (or fake?) emotions or other addictive & repetitive behavior. I waited it out.
I feel pretty good now too, about myself and my life. Sane, energetic, and back to being a wonderful being of Light and Love. Thank you, HP (Higher Powers.)
How philosophical.
I have avoided my feelings for long enough, probably 60 some years, when my baby brother was born and destroyed my illusions of being the only baby in the world, the center of the universe and subject of my parent's & grandparents total adoration. I felt the Universe pulled the rug out from under me. And I couldn't handle it. (Sorry Ted, no offense.)
So instead of letting my little heart heal, I went on to break my own heart over and over by gathering evidence both real and fantastical. It amounted to having an inferiority complex and a superiority complex at the same time. DUH. (Well, I am a writer and am nothing if I don't have a highly active imagination. I don't need to use it as a club to beat myself up with, however.)
In reality I am fine, have always been fine and it took me a half a century to begin to love myself. And recognize my tendency to hate myself on behalf of other people. That is sick behavior. That is why I have attended various 12-Step and healing groups over the last 35 or 40 years (don't ever stop growing.) I feel the program is my real roots and the place I can go to be 100% my real self and be unconditionally accepted by non-judgmental people like me. (Growing not flawed.)
I also decided yesterday, "I want to be alone" at the same time I want to be with other people, or maybe one particular person. That's a paradox that I can only handle one day at a time. Yesterday I was unhappy that I wasn't able to spend more time (another hour, day, or even a week or month) in close proximity to a beloved friend. Today, it's OK. He's fine, I'm fine -- exactly like it "should" be. I am enjoying my own company and following my favorite pastime, writing. I can make room for friends and private time and keep growing.
I am snapping out of those "bad" moods quicker than I used to. YAY. And I can begin to love people without having to pressure them or "own" them but more able to wish for their happiness and well-being -- with unconditional and Divine Love. (I've been on that Universal rug (foundation) all along and just couldn't see it. I am so grateful when I do see and feel it. Reality is awesome. I love LIFE.
I do want to have a deep healing so I can offer a possible future partner a whole, loving, stable, kind, mature, confident, independent and spiritual soulmate. Not just to capture someone who's stumbling along like me and using them to lean on, or take on the job of trying to fix them (or make them worse, godforbid) in order to avoid my own growth and enlightenment (and usefulness for that matter.)
I don't feel that the people I most wish to communicate with and also want to unintentionally avoid revealing myself to, are ever going to go out of their way to read my blogs. So if they do, fine. If not, that's okay too. Love ya'all.
I am a Gemini mostly and swing back and forth from passionately experiencing opposite states of being and moods in my head, heart and even soul. I need to work around that, it ain't gonna go away by itself.
A friend recently said he doesn't "trust" people that are always in a good mood. Well, I called him on that since he always appears to be in a cheerful & good mood all the time. (Tho he has emotional struggles, and I am able to not judge him or desire to fix him. Progress!)
I probably come across as cheerful all the time, too, to some people, but I know that is not the real me (or real anyone) anymore than the sad me is all me -- we all experience ups and downs and we're supposed to, I think. Part of living life.
When I got out of my intellectual state of mind and made a half-hearted attempt to express my feelings (albeit in a watered-down, even cryptic way,) my friend laughed at me! It disappointed me, but I understand now. Being secretive instead of frank is manipulative in some ways. (If you are reading this, T, I apologize.)
My inner child is such a spoiled brat!!! Ooh, ooh, ooh. Snatching defeat out of the jaws of success time after time. Time to STOP that.
So, instead of putting this on facebook to a few people that I try to live vicariously through, especially the successful authors like I wish I were,) I am putting my emotional leaps and bounds out here in cyberspace for millions (?) of people to read. Especially the ones like me, friends, and other perfect strangers. (You can fool some of the people some of the time...like Honest Abe said. Kidding.)
It is no good staying aloof for an entire lifetime. I must become open and honest (especially with myself) and stop hiding if I want to survive as an effective and liberated senior citizen. That is called emotional honesty. My new goal.
Thank you to my friends and other strangers who support me in this adventure. (And thanks to those I love and those that love me, you know who you are.)
Amen.
Comments? Email me. See my comment below.
By the way: I asked my grown son one night if he thought I would ever be able to get a "boyfriend" again (now that I'm old and a widow.) And he said, "Why don't you call [a certain person we both know] and ask him out?" I said, "I tried that and he's not interested." I then added, "Besides, he is a little bit crazy." And my son paused and said, "So are you, Mom." I said, "Exactly, that's why we would be good for each other!"