Advising Myself?

SECRET TEENAGE MEMORIES

2012-01-20T17:58:00.000-07:00

"I'm still haunted by the things I did for a Klondike Bar"
....Anonymous

Some funny things I remembered about my teen-aged years. I better write them down before I forget them.

This is based on a letter to my brother who is 2 years younger. It's about things that happened 50+ years ago, so spare me the righteous indignation.

Dear Bro,

Remember when I had one of my boyfriends over and you put on some music for us to listen to when you went to bed? A zillion years ago? He and I laughed when we heard it and you came back in a huff and took it back upstairs. It was John Phillip Sousa's marches. Not exactly the most romantic music I've ever heard. I hope you have reconsidered your taste in music for romantic occasions.

I seem to remember I mentioned something to you recently about "sexual abuse"? I don't think that was technically true. That was what Mom and Dad thought. I thought I was gonna marry the guy. I guess they thought I was too young. I must not have agreed with them (like when they hinted I should stop smoking) so instead of them taking me to a psychologist or a minister to advise me, they took me to a lawyer who yelled at me for 30 minutes about how hard it is to be married and make it in the world and to raise kids, etc. (I bet he never said all that to his wife!) It's one of my funnier memories. Mom and Dad were strange. Or they were just horrified to learn that girls like sex as much as boys.

One time, too, I took one of Mom and Dad's miniature whiskeys to a teen-aged party. I found out I was the only one there with a spiked drink. The party was really boring and the "band" was playing the same unknown song over and over. So I called Mom and said there was drinking at the party and would she come and get me. Bet she bragged to her friends for years about that. I wasn't even invited to the party, I crashed it.

I came home from a party one time drunk on sloe gin. (I heard from guys drinking boiler makers that they wouldn't touch sloe gin with a ten foot pole. It was a college-aged party. I was almost 18.) I came in the front door and discovered Mom had waited up for me. So I faked being sober and said good-night, went upstairs and fell onto my bed completely wiped-out. I prided myself on pretending to be sober at a moment's notice. (I haven't had a drink now for 37 years. It stopped being funny and became, well...just stupid.)

Do you have any funny secrets? Like the time you came home drunk and asked me for a goodnight kiss. You probably forgot that. I said: "Go to sleep, you jerk." That's before dirty words got more acceptable in the 60's. (I learned how to say shit in 1963 and took it from there.) So in the 21st Century I could've said, "Go to sleep, you asshole."

There are just not enough words to describe a younger brother, are there?

I'm in a silly mood but all this is totally true.

Love, Sis

Isn't this the face of an angel?

PS: Oh yeah, I remember when we were little being mad at you for something so I hit myself on the shoulder and pointed out the red mark to Mom and told her you hit me. Ha ha. But I guess you got even with me the time you locked me out when I came home from school one day. You stood inside and made faces at me laughing that wicked laugh. I was so mad I put my fist through the glass. I got in big trouble for that. (BTW, why didn't you let me in? I had to pee real bad.)

Notice to readers: I might have been a drunken slut but my brother was a BRAT.

We're friends now, and we're both real nice.

SOME THINGS I'M GRATEFUL FOR TODAY

2012-01-08T12:48:00.001-07:00

I'm grateful that my butter doesn't spoil when I leave it out on the counter. On the other hand that means it's not soft either. Things are better than last year when it was colder in the kitchen than in the fridge. (This winter I got a heater so I'm grateful I could afford one.)

I'm grateful for Family Dollar store selling strawberry jam more cheaply than the grocery store. It means I can have more jelly bread for the same cost. (Or whatever. I don't do math in my head.)

Other things are cheaper at Fam$ too. I just refuse to fight the crowds at Smiths to pay $2.50 for a can of soup. And I don't have to race for a parking space at Fam.$ or dodge people who try to run over cane walking old ladies.

I'm grateful I can still open a vacuum sealed jar of jam. However, I plan (when I'm really old) to have the clerks open my jars at the checkout counter before I take them home.

I'm grateful I'm in a happy mood even tho it's overcast and snowy outside. (As a matter of fact it's stopped snowing. Which doesn't mean anything. We could get two feet of it by tomorrow. Ah, the joys of living at 7200 ft. elevation.) I'm also grateful I got a couple studded snow tires a couple days ago. Maybe next year I'll get some for the back.

I don't know if I have S.A.D. but I sometimes I'm sad when it's dark and gloomy outside. Except at night. I like it dark at night. I'm a "night owl" & stay up really really late. Quite contented to watch movies and eat jelly bread.

What are YOU grateful for today?

Leap Year the Movie item 2

2011-12-31T11:56:00.003-07:00

I had a comment about Leap Year the Movie. She requested to see this post.

http://sandyschairer.blogspot.com/2011/01/leap-year-36-hints.html

HOW WRITING TAUGHT ME TO TALK

2011-12-23T18:18:00.001-07:00

I had a serious handicap when I was young. I had foot-in-mouth disorder. I couldn't talk straight. People knew I was weird (rather than suspect it.)

I never got any verbal criticism. I just got some puzzled looks. Facial expressions that expressed, "UH...what?"

I'm sure people did not appreciate what I had to say. They kept me around because they loved me. Or got stuck with me like college roommates.

I'm also sure they talked about me behind my back. I didn't care. I simply wished there was a hole under me I could fall into when I said something stupid.

The strange thing, well one of them, was that I could think perfectly good ideas and communications. There was just some twist between my brains and my mouth. I didn't speak gibberish. I was terribly inept at being a person. I presume.

What I said often sounded perfectly understandable to me. But others seemed not to get it. (It is a shame, too, that I blamed myself all these years when I could have decided that they were stupid conversationalists.)

An example would be my terror at calling people on the phone. Not only didn't I know what to say, I frequently couldn't say a word. Thank goodness there was no caller ID in those days. Actually I didn't hang up anonymously. I just never made phone calls until I was into my 40 and beyond. And then rarely.

Oh, teenage years don't count. I could talk to my friends and even boys on the phone back then. But teenaged girls are silly and I was cute so boys didn't care what I said. They called me. I wasn't allowed to call boys back in those days. (And we only had ONE phone per household. What could we have been thinking?)

I think part of the telephobia (is that a word?) stemmed from the first time I was forced to answer the phone. I can't remember how young I was but my parents thought it was high time I learned how to answer the phone. They told me, "Find out who it is and what they want."

Just then the phone rang and they said, "Now's your chance." They just as well could have been teaching me to fly in an airplane by pushing me out the door with no parachute.

I reluctantly crept over to the phone and said, "Hello. Who is this and what do you want?" Amen. I was a little girl for godsakes.

The caller hung up and a couple of seconds later the nextdoor neighbor came running over to tell us that our backyard was on fire.

It all went downhill from there. One of my worst other memories is when I called my cousin who was living at my grandma's. She said, "Hello." I said, "Is John there?" She said, "No. This is his grandmother, can I help you?" I said, "This is his cousin." There was a long pause and my Grandma said, "Sandy?"

That's bad enough but she told my mother and my mom told me my grandma got a weird call from me. I thought it was perfectly understandable. (It's my sense of humor, I guess. Stupid people still don't get my humor.)

I've gained enough self-confidence now to suppose that someone else might be to blame.

So, partly I learned to take part in a conversation by observing people for about 40 years.

That and learning to write I don't mean A B C D. I mean put my ideas, thoughts, feelings and poetry down on paper. I learned to converse with writing. Later I published a book for short short stories (humorous flash fiction) and a book of poetry.)

I turned to journals as my confidants and BFFs. I have 120 full journals and counting. (Someday I will sit outside with a nice bonfire, read each one and toss it into the flames..)

I turned to writing fiction too but didn't have as much luck as I had hoped.

I preferred writing because I could say important things on paper, and most importantly, I could cross out and correct what I'd written so I'd be pleased with what I'd said. And nobody would read it (besides me and I never did anyway. That's why I'll read them before I burn them. I'm curious.)

Oh, wait a minute. I did read the end of one journal one time. Ten years later I realized I was still ranting about the same things.

So I got a divorce.

I still write and do editing as I go along--cross out things and keep going. (And rewrite endlessly. Somebody stop me before I get hurt!)

But now I can talk.

Now I'm learning how to shut up.

And get over my phobia of listening.

PRESSURED SPEECH

2011-12-13T12:44:00.002-07:00

"Pressure of speech is a tendency to speak rapidly and frenziedly, as if motivated by an urgency not apparent to the listener. The speech produced, sometimes called pressured speech, is difficult to interrupt and may be too fast or too tangential for the listener to understand; it is an example of cluttered speech. It can be unrelating, loud and without pauses." (Wikipedia)

Amen. I've got that. On occasion.

I'm sure there are thousands of people the world over who hate me for it. Especially when I try too hard to be witty.

I encounter conversationalists (?) now and then who can't stand being interrupted, or have to stop and think before they speak, or need to FINISH what they're saying. Oh, the ones who talk so ssssssss-lllllllllll-ooooooooooo-wwwwwwww. (Fred, you know who you are.) I find myself wanting to reach down their throats and pull the words out.

At least I hurry up and get to the damn point when I talk. (Don't I?) Plus I can carry on two or more conversations at the same time, listen and talk at the same time. Otherwise I confused people and drive nutz.

Oh, I also try to set them straight regarding the truth or at least the facts. I challenge their opinions in a polite way for the most part, and assert myself in a way I just can't do in the rest of my life.

Another problem is the difference between the way women listen and men listen. A woman nods her head or in some cases shakes her head and makes little comments while listening. This means, "Go ahead, I'm listening."

Men consider that nodding indicates agreement, and comments are rude. Without some feedback you never know whether they're listening or not.

My brother is one example. He goes on and on about something (much like I do) and actually stops when I murmur and all the while he's getting angrier and angrier. It's like he can't talk when there are other people around.

His wife told me, in private, that our constant arguing was making her sick--literally--and I ought to wait til my brother was finished before saying anything.

Well, here's an explanation:

1: I don't want to make people sick, but I think most people need to learn how to deal with things for themselves. .

2: I've reached the point in my life when I'm not going to allow myself to do things the way some MAN's behavior pressures me to. I'm not that codependent anymore. I'm old and single, what do I have to lose? I just can't understand why these mens' significant others put up with it.

3: AND my brother and I are NOT arguing. That's just the conversation style we used in our family. Genetic, so to speak. We talk a lot, talk fast, debate everything, and do all that LOUD.

I've adapted that to a form of "preaching"

I've told my friends that if they want to talk to me they're going to have to learn to interrupt and/or talk over me. I don't mind. It's just my conversation "style." They don't have to follow my example but it helps. They don't have to change their conversation style, just bear with it for awhile if they'd like to be part of my conversation. My talk isn't aggressive; theirs should be. (I don't see why this is different than the way my brother talks but it just is.)

I have so many thoughts and ideas that I just express them fast enough. (And evidently people don't consider trivia relevant to everyday life.) At least I do to add now, "I probably told you this already but..." and the more polite "Sorry to change the subject..." and plunge forward.

I wish I could write as fast as I talk. And as much. I'd have a 20-volume. memoir published by now.

This is my third blog entry today. About the same subject. Be warned: I also have bouts of hypergraphia.

Toodle-ooo.

WRITER OR BLOGGER?

2011-12-13T11:45:00.001-07:00

MY VIEW FROM HERE

Can you be a writer if no one reads you?

Are you a writer if you're not published?

Is a blog considered writing? Is it considered published? Does anyone ever read it?

I just can't bring myself to keep a diary, journal or dream log in my various computer programs/files. For one thing the take up too much storage on my computer memory banks. And who cares? If no one reads them including me and they aren't published just hidden away, What a waste of time. (Or someone can switch on my computer and see my private entries.)

At least when I write in actual journals like the 12-dollar plastic hardcovers from WalMart, it's serious & beneficial therapy. I could dump it and forget it. Like flushing the....well, you get it.

I like the new blogspot.com feature that tells you your stats: how many hits you're getting on your blogspot and individual blog entries. I don't know why I feel joyful that 17 people went to my blog today and saw one of the entries. (Alas, looking is not the same as reading.) Why do I thrill to see that 17 people found me in a sea of personal essays cconsidering there are about a gazillion people googling on the worldwide web this very minute. It's comparable to the array of radio-telescopes listening for a little noise in a vast universe. LOL

When you put something out here in cyberspace it's "published". It even has an implied copyright (so people who steal your stuff are supposed to give you credit even if in teeny-weeny letters at the bottom.)

So what's this got to do with anything?

I'll get to the point someday if I can figure out what it is and how to write it.

Thanks for stopping by.

HYPERGRAPHIA AND BLOGGING

2011-12-13T10:55:00.002-07:00

I receive a wonderful flow of thoughts in the morning so today I'm going to attempt to capture them in writing for your viewing pleasure.

I often break into hypergraphia (writing lengthy treatises exceedingly fast and hodge-podge, seemingly forever.) I used to write on paper in journals. I have over 120 of them. They go on and on about my thoughts, my feelings, my gripes, my opinions, and godknowswhatelse. It doesn't matter much because no one is ever going to read my journals not even me.

Someday when I feel death coming on I'm going to take them out in the backyard and have one sonofabitch bonfire. It won't matter because there is absolutely no culture or history or current events in any of them. I suspect some of the essays are boring writing about a boring life. I'm afraid the rest reveal various levels of insanity.

My handwriting is shot to hell at my age so I'm determined to capture my ideas on a computer. That doesn't serve me as well since handwriting was an autonomic behavior for me. Thoughts went directly from my brain to paper via fingers. Fingers aren't as reliable as they used to be.

I'm also hindered by my compulsion to tell the truth and be accurate. And an attempt to manipulate others into being that way too.

On a computer I actually have to think about what I'm writing. I can't whiz along making a mess of it. Typos and misspellings are automatic now instead of my thought-to-paper process. I was able to do things in writing that I just can't do on a computer. Like spell bad with disaster grammar and scribbling over words and continue to write long passages non-stop (much the way I think. And talk. (That's another story.)

Thanks to a career in clerical work/typist my editing and correcting is built into my writing. My fingers (besides hitting a lot of wrong keys) automatically hits the backup-delete button. I suspect, too, my career influenced me by not having to think about what I was typing.

There's a vast difference between typing someone else's words and writing your own stuff creatively.

I also edit as I write but that's like throwing your car into reverse every yard or two. You get there eventually but the journey is hell. By the time I get my typing corrected and edited I've lost my train of thought.

In fact, this wasn't what I wanted to write about at all.

O heck it's lunch time I better go eat breakfist. By.
_________________________________________________
PS: Writing in a journal is a waste of words, ideas, writing and time. You're not really a writer unless someone reads you. Except journaling for therapy--in that case it serves well. And cheaper than a $120 therapy session.) If no one ever reads it you might as well tear it up and toss it in the trash, right? Writing a blog you have a choice--click on the publish button or use the delete key. At least when you write a blog someone out of 2-billion people with computers might stumble on it and actually read it--maybe even like it.

COMPUTERIZED BABIES?

2011-10-26T13:37:00.000-06:00

I saw on world news with Diane Sawyer last night that babies are using iPads, iPhones, and laptop computers already. They showed a computer-savvy one-year-old unable to figure out what to do with a paper magazine when they got her to let go of the iPad for a minute.

I've seen my grandkids scribble in books & rip out the pages so what difference would knowing how to turn pages make? They can use scissors too. They even run with them and don't manage to kill themselves like our parents told us we would when we were little.

Some people will always love books. I just gave away and donated about 500 books (more or less) and still have too many. I've still got seven book shelves full plus boxes in the attic to sort out. (I've lived in this house over 20 years and I'll probably let my heirs clean out the attic.)

Paper books weren't very abundant a hundred or 150 years ago. My grandma had to learn to write by practicing the alphabet on a chalk board, so I heard, because there was not much paper available in schools back then! No mimeograph or xerox machines either so I've been told.

I'm not really shocked at kids using computers at younger and younger ages. Maybe we'll find infants someday sending emails when they want a bottle or need their diaper changed instead of just crying.

My youngest grandson could play elaborate video games when he was three. He had to stand on the sofa to play because he was too short to aim the signal high enough.

He recently told me a lot of guys were dead. I asked him "WHAT?" And he said he was playing "James Bond." OH.

I'm concerned it's not the same as reading Huckleberry Finn or the Hardy Boys. His mother says playing video games increases kids' imagination. If it's okay with her, I'm only the grandma and my vote doesn't count.

But it really is amazing to me when I consider video games didn't even exist when my two oldest kids were born.

Neither did disposable diapers for that matter. I used to wash diapers and hang them on clothes lines to dry.

Where am I? Oh yeah iPods or iPads, whatever. Who can actually afford those things? I got an HP from WalMart.

Wait a minute.

I forgot I have an electronic "book" so I can't criticize babies for learning to use iPods. I like getting ebooks quick, free or cheap but some ebooks still cost as much as the paper versions or more. And they don't have used a book section like the Salvation Army Thrift store.

I love my Kindle but really like having real books too. Especially when the battery runs down because I forgot to plug it in and recharge it.

Same with my cell phone running down but I can charge it in the car.

I also love having the bluetooth in my car so I can call from the steering wheel.

Good-bye from cyberspace from this blogger. See you on facebook.

WRITING VS. NON-WRITING

2011-10-15T01:57:00.002-06:00

I started anti-depressants again and haven't had hypergraphia lately.

So no blog posts lately..

I miss writing my thought as fast as the wind but I don't miss the depression.

ACES AND EIGHTS

2011-08-08T11:35:00.008-06:00

I have a pen and ink drawing that my late husband got at a craft show in the 1970's for an unknown cost (or in trade.) I don't know when or where but Ed, a woodworker, did craft shows in 1970's in the southwest (USA) so it's probably in that vicinity.

The artist is Whitt Pritchette and the art work is entitled "Aces and Eights" and it's of Wild Bill Hickcok with aces and eights hidden in the details of the picture.

If anyone knows an artist or former artist by that name or if you ARE this Whitt Pritchette, please contact me.

If you are familiar with other pieces by Whit Pritchette I am interested in getting a ballpark figure on what his artwork might be worth. If I don't find out something about it, to the Salvation Army Thrift Store it goes.

Also, I'd like to know where the Ace of Clubs is hidden. I've found the two 8s, but only the Ace of Spades.

.
It's based on this photo of Hickok. Exceptionally well done with embellishments in fine black and white pen strokes.

Update: I found Rein Whitt-Pritchett on the internet. Watched a video of an interview. He's a long time if not well known artist with stuidos/galleries in NM and CO. I emailed him and he wrote back that "There's only one Whitt-Pritchett." He said it would probably not be a good idea to donate one of his drawings to the Salvation Army. He also told me that the Albuquerque Art Museum bought and displayed two of his works.

Immediately I thought it couldn't have been an original drawing so I looked at the penciled signature. It also said 14/40. So, I have print 14 out of 40 that were made. (I don't mean a xerox copy. A professional copy, a PRINT. My brother-in-law, an artist, asks up to $500 for a print of his work depending on the size.

So I hung the picture back on the wall where it belongs. I'm not a big fan of Wild Bill Hickok but I did get a question about him correct when I was watching Jeopardy.

I am a fan of art, Wild Bill or not. I was thrilled to hear from the actual artist. Thank you Mr. Whitt-Prichette.

What is "Pagan" anyway?

2011-07-09T18:22:00.004-06:00

Good answer:

Found on the internet from Edain McCoy:

"When one defines oneself as Pagan, it means she or he follows an earth or nature religion, one that sees the divine manifest in all creation. The cycles of nature are our holy days, the earth is our temple, its plants and creatures our partners and teachers. We worship a deity that is both male and female, a mother Goddess and father God, who together created all that is, was, or will be. We respect life, cherish the free will of sentient beings, and accept the sacredness of all creation."

I like that

DUH

2011-07-03T18:40:00.002-06:00

I just ran across this on the internet:

"I don't think witchcraft is a religion. I would hope the military officials would take a second look at the decision they made."

Guess who said this.

G.W. Bush (R), as Governor of Texas. Interviewed on ABC's Good Morning America, 1999-JUN-24. He disapproved of Wiccan soldiers being given the same religious rights as others in the military.

What I say is, "I don't think GW has a clue about anything he ever said."

How did we elect this guy president -- NOT ONCE BUT TWICE?!?

Wiccan IS a religion. And Texas is another country.

CONSTRUCTING ANCIENT PYRAMIDS

2011-06-16T15:18:00.025-06:00

Ok. About the pyramids in Egypt. No kidding. This is serious you guys!

I haven't been able to find validation for my own theory about how the pyramids were built.

Most theories revolve around how the Egyptians (or their slaves) lifted humongous blocks, one after the other, to the top of a rising structure as massive as the pyramids especially the Great Pyramid of Giza.)

My theory is that they were built from the top down! I saw only ignorant or derisive comments about this suggestion on a forum someplace in cyberspace. But that was before I explained it.

Here is my theory that makes logical sense, or a least as much sense as saying people moved blocks weighing many tons up to the top of an ever increasing structure as tall as the great pyramid.

My theory is certainly far more reasonable than assuming aliens built the pyramids or aliens taught human beings a method of levitation (that people promptly forgot.)

There has to be an explanation how the Ancient Egyptians (and do we really know who they were?) moved the blocks to the building sites. Once we have the answer to that mystery understanding the rest will be a snap.

Were the huge "bricks" quarried elsewhere and moved to the site? Were they quarried right there in a geological rock deposit long gone from the earth? Or were they perhaps constructed in an unknown way similar to the way a sacred dung beetle makes a ball out of manure? Who's to say the blocks were square to begin with? They could have been rolled there and shaped in cubes after they arrived. Or perhaps they were made with a superior form of concrete?

The possibilities are endless.

Here's how I speculate they were built and it', no more more difficult to ponder than the theory of building them the other way(s).

Built from the top down?!?

Think about it. Weren't the pyramids discovered by someone tripping over a big pointed stone sticking out of the sand? (That's what I heard, though I haven't checked it with Snopes yet.) Didn't that stone turn out to be the top of a pyramid? The discovery of the pointed rock must have resulted in the mother of all gargantuan archaeological digs.

So, my theory is the ancient builders (and I assume they were just as smart--or as dumb--as modern man) dug a hole under one side of the first block, wherever it came from, and pushed, pulled or rolled the next block under it? They then repeated that sequence until they'd moved lots and lots of sand that hopefully blew away in the winds of the desert every night when they knocked off for dinner and beer. When the second block was in position, another hole was dug on the other sides. This process continued until the first layer was in place to lay layer after layer.

I even think that taking sand away from a building site would be a darn sight easier than moving it there to make ramps. If the wind is anything like it is in NM there goes the sand.

If you go to the beach try to make a pile of sand and stand on.

I'm sure some jerk will say it's too hard to put big square rocks under other big square rocks. This same jerk, of course, who easily believes huge blocks were rolled, pushed or pulled onto the top of other blocks. (Or the weirdos who believe in alien builders.)

As far as the remarkable closeness of pyramid blocks (and in other ancient stone constructions around the world) it's a wonder no one else considered the simplest theory...that the weight of the stones would press down over the years and compress the other stones. All it would take is some gravity and some really heavy stones. Hey, we got plenty of that.

As long as we're speculating, perhaps gravity was weaker in the old days. You just never know for sure. Just like believing there might have been atmosphere or water on Mars, right?

This theory can be proved with a simple "experiment." Get one of your rumpled books and stack a pile of other books (or rocks if you want to go to that trouble) on top of it. Come back a few months later and you'll see your rumpled book at the bottom of the pile is no longer rumpled. The weight of the books compressed the rumples. This also works shelf of books -- especially with those hard-readen paperbacks that resemble fans.

My whole point is that no theory is substantiated adequately to be positively, without-a-doubt correct explanation.

A theory is not really a theory without some substantiated evidence anyway. Until that time it's just speculation. Speculations are a dime a dozen. (Sorry for the cliche.)

Another thing, as far as believing the pyramids were tombs--it's not certain they were tombs. Actual burial sites found in the area were not in pyramids. Those other tombs out-numbered the pyramids. In fact, no certain burial sites were found in pyramids.

The truth is, modern man (archaeologist or not) hasn't got a clue how and why pyramids were built.

Oh, regarding another mysterious site Machu Picchu.

Perhaps Machu Picchu was built at sea level and an earthquake bashed the tectonic plates together pushing the site up to the top of the previously non-existent mountains. (I read that theory in a book, by the way.)

Think about it? Wouldn't that make as much sense as builders bringing a bunch of big rocks to the top of a mountain to build another thing we don't know the purpose of?

So, my real point is: DON'T BELIEVE EVERYTHING YOU HEAR. (Well, someone said that already but it bears repeating.)

Think about what you do hear and decide for yourself. Don't just buy a theory because a bunch of so-called experts sold a popular idea, swore to it and put it on the Discovery Channel.

In fact, you don't have to believe anything after you consider the all possibilities. The theories cancel each other out.

A hundred or a thousand years from now the "truth" will be just another theory based on "expert" popularized belief if books and television still exist.

Didn't people used to believe draining blood out of sick people would cure them? There were a lot of "facts" in ages past. More people died of exsanguination (ex·san·gui·na·tion--ekˌsaNGgwəˈnāS)than the illness plaguing them. (I think one was Beethoven, though you can't believe everything that comes out of Hollywood.)

Comments are invited.

My Review of Women's Lionshead Mary Jane

2011-06-13T14:48:00.001-06:00

Originally submitted at Timberland

Take a look at our Women's Lionshead Mary Jane. We've combined classic Mary Jane styling with sporty, contemporary materials to create our Women's Lionshead Mary Jane.

Womens Lionhead Mary Janwe

By Sandy from Tijeras, New Mexico on 6/13/2011

Sizing: Feels true to size

Width: Feels true to width

Pros: Comfortable, Stable, Good Cushioning, Durable, Breathes Well

Cons: Strap doesn't open, Needs shoehorn to get on

Best Uses: Casual Wear, Travel

Describe Yourself: Trendy, High-end shopper, Stylish, Comfort-oriented

These are wonderfully comfortable; and stylish enough to wear everyday including going out. I can wear them everywhere. My only shoes except for boots in the winter and my old Timberland's that are now "slippers."

I was disappointed that the strap was just for looks and didn't open.

It's advertized as slip-on but I had to get a shoe horn to get the back of my foot in. (I wear Medium width.)

Price is reasonable and these are quality shoes that look great and will last a long time.

I had Thimberland shoes, similar Mary Janes, and I loved them. I can't see why everyone wouldn't love them once they try them.

Easy to order online. No long wait. Delivered right to my door.

(legalese)

More Advice and Other Meaningless Information

2011-05-28T08:35:00.008-06:00

I thought I'd share some of helpful insights I've come up with lately. Or is that lately insights? You other writers out there, please forgive the adverbs. I know they're annoying (especially to know-it-alls).

ADVICE I WISH I'D FOLLOWED:

1. Don't cook spaghetti wearing your good shoes.

2. Don't wear a good shirt or blouse when you eat spaghetti.

C. If you have to eat spaghetti at a formal gala, make sure do so in a rented tuxedo. Women wear your strapless evening gown enough that the sauce splashes on your cleavage. (You know who you are. And I don't think you can rent gowns.)

(Not that #3 pertains to me, but maybe some rich and famous people read blogs. (I know Aston Kutcher does, oh no sorry, that's facebook.)

OTHER WORTHLESS MUSINGS:

I know Karl Jung is pronounced Karl "Young" in English and in German much the same but with a German accent (and not the one Hogan's Heroes came up with. Oh no--I've dated myself unless you count re-runs.)

Did you ever think how his Karl Jung's name would sound in Spanish? Carlos Hung?

And in Chinese would he sound something like Chang Wang? (Or am I thinking of John Wayne as pronounced by Jackie Chan in one of his bone-breaking movies?)

ABOUT COMPARATIVE RELIGIONS:

I've pretty much discovered all religions are the same at the root (except maybe fundamentalism which focuses on sending everyone else to hell. Though that's irrelevant to the study of religions, especially those with a spiritual basis.)

I compare religions and spiritual teachings to find the similarities, not the differences. Contrary to public opinion.

That outlook might work better than the traditional way of fighting in the name of God or like locking up your own countrymen for very mean reasons, and/or killing a bunches of each other at home and abroad. (Oh no, are we back to German and Chinese. No offense intended. Don't exclude America. And, of course, the Spanish Inquisition.)

As this is designed to be a humorous blogspot (I hope), I won't let you in on how I've connected some dots in comparing religions.

Since it would tend to be rather boring to people not into reading, writing and being opinionated. (Wait, I've heard that " everyone has an opinion". Didn't Ben Franklin coin that phrase or was it one of the President Bushes?)

So, OK. Blog-over for now. Toodle-oo

PS: Comments are welcome except from people suffering from a lack of sense-of-humor.

COMPUTERIZED FUTURE?

2011-04-22T12:26:00.014-06:00

I received this email today. I hope it's a joke. My comments afterwards are heavily imbued with cynicism, sarcasm and humor. (This is a long one so go get a sandwich first. Good luck.)

Things That Will Disappear in Our Life Time

1. The Post Office. It's so deeply in financial trouble that there's no way to sustain it long term. Email, Fed Ex, and UPS have just about wiped out the minimum revenue needed to keep the post office alive. Most of your mail every day is junk mail and bills.

2. The Check. It costs the financial system billions of dollars a year to process checks. Plastic cards and online transactions will lead to the eventual demise of the check. This will help the death of the post office. If you didn't receive & pay your bills the post office would be gone.

3. The Newspaper. The younger generation simply doesn't read the newspaper. & certainly don't subscribe to home delivery. Reading the paper online, get ready to pay. The rise in mobile Internet devices and e-readers has caused all the newspaper and magazine publishers to form an alliance with big computer and the major cell companies to develop a model for paid subscription services.

4. The Book. You say you will never give up the physical book that you hold in your hand and turn the literal pages? I said the same thing about downloading music. I wanted my hard copy CD. But I discovered I could get albums for half the price without ever leaving home. The same thing will happen with books. You can browse a bookstore online and read a preview chapter before you buy. And the price is less. It's also convenient! You'll forget that you're holding a gadget instead of a book.

5. The Land Line Telephone. Unless you have a large family and make a lot of local calls, you don't need it anymore. Most people keep it simply because they've always had it. You're paying double charges for phone services if you have a cell phone. Already the cell phone companies are letting you call customers with the same provider and include long distance calls, unlike the land line companies.

6. Music. The music industry is dying a slow death. Not just because of illegal downloading, but the greed and corruption. Record labels and the radio conglomerates are simply self-destructing. Over 40% of the music purchased today is "catalog items," meaning traditional music that the public is familiar with by older established artists. This is also true on the live concert circuit.

7. Television. Revenues to the networks are down dramatically. Not just because of the economy. People are watching TV what they want to watch online and streamed to their TV's and computers. They're playing games and doing lots of other things that take up the time that used to be spent watching TV. On top of that cable rates are skyrocketing and commercials run about every 4 minutes and 30 seconds.

8. Privacy. If there ever was a concept that we can look back on nostalgically, it would be privacy. That's gone. It's been gone for a long time anyway. There are cameras on the street, in most of the buildings, and even built into your computer and cell phone. 24/7 "they" know who you are and where you are, right down to the GPS coordinates, and the Google Street View. If you buy something it's put into a zillion profiles, and your ads will be customized to you. Of course, "they'll also send ads to try to get you to buy something else. Again and again.
__________________________
THAT'S ONE GUY'S OPINION. THIS IS MINE: These things won't become obsolete any time soon. (Except for # 8 which, I fear, is already true. How cheery.)

First of all there's too many people without computers. What about blind people? Paralyzed people? Those without fingers? Hire someone to describe the pictures?

Computers run on electricity. What about people that can't afford the higher electricity bills?

How are people who don't have enough food going to get computers and more electricity? Who's going to issue computers to every man, woman, and child in the world and teach them to use them--especially 80 to 90-year-olds and illiterate people?

This responsibility (and cost) will fall on government which is already understaffed and in debt up to the eyebrows.

Oh, I forgot, medicare and medicare will be out of money so all the old folks, poor folks and handicapped people will be dead. Or living in the woods foraging for food. (No more food stamps.)

Are they going to download the food via computer to refrigerators?

No, wait, the forests will all be gone. Maybe since paper is obsolete the trees can grow back. Oh, without trees there won't be any oxygen so we'll ALL be dead.

In the meantime what are we going to use for toilet paper?

The mail service is run by private companies already. You can bet the farm it makes a profit, mostly from the government who use the services.

Post Office being obsolete will "unemploy" all the postal workers.

A million employees who did all the manual work before computers took over will all be let-go too. These people will all want unemployment benefits and welfare. We can pay them with computers but they won't get these benefits because they won't we be able afford computers or electricity.

We'll all be screwed because our taxes are going to be so high we'll each need our own electronic bank to pay them.

With all this heavy computer use, we'll have to train people to run the computers. Computers can't program themselves, can they? Not yet anyway. We'll need programmers to do that. There'll be a lack of programmers because they won't be able to afford college. Whoa, colleges won't exist! They won't be able to afford all the electricity needed to run everything by computer.

Electric cars will have to be produced too since fuel will be gone by them. Yay, no fumes to poison the skies. But it won't matter because most of us will be dead from the pollution and insecticides we use right now and from bad guys killing & robbing us to pay for their computers and electricity. Oh, wait. They'll be killed off by pollution too. DUH.

If we can't afford to pay benefits for unemployed, poor, handicapped and old people, how will we afford to pay for wars and help poor countries who don't even know what computers are yet? I mean, where is a remote African in a village going to plug in their computers anyway?

We won't be able to kill off everyone without war, will we? We'll eventually have a shortage of military to do the killing and be available to be killed. They'll already be unemployed and dead. I guess computers could kill each other with on line war games.

What about land line phones? Not everyone has a cell phone. Remote areas can't get cell reception. It'll take more signal towers, so's who's going to build them? And pay for them? The government will still be broke, and people'll be poor or dead with no work/money because they couldn't afford computers or electricity.

Whoever builds signal towers would have to buy property to build them on or the government can take the land away from already poor people who still don't have computers and electricity.

But the government, being broke, won't have computers and electricity either.

Also, most wireless computer services go through land lines. So without a land line they won't have internet access. The question will be: will they have enough computers at the library?

Computers are not secure nor safe and it's getting worse. They "crash" and lose all saved material. So there goes, for instance, all the billing data. Nobody gets paid on either end. (I'd like to see rich guys like Donald Trump trust the internet totally to run their business.)

I think doing away with money is a good idea, though. I use my debit card for everything already. I don't like cash or checks. I pay most of my bills on the internet. Internet providers can't stop people from hacking into stuff now...what about when it's all bigger and more complex? No one's electronic money will be safe.

Add in the extra electronic load of billing and paying that will slow connections down even worse, and...oh, I forgot--all those unemployed people won't be paying bills. So never mind.

Terrorists will have a new target, an easy way to stop civilization as we know it--hacking and destroying electronic signals and the world-wide-web. Assuming they won't have to use computers or electricity which they won't be able to afford because they won't be getting rich on oil production anymore.

No oil, no gas, no cars, no jobs, no electricity, no land lines. It'll snowball in a chilly chain reaction. Stephen King would have a ball. But then no one could read his "books" without computers/electricity. Well, you get the idea.

There's nothing anyone can do to stop bands and orchestras from playing LIVE music. Even if there is no electricity they can use non-electric instruments. We could have one band on every street corner...heck, IN the street if there're no cars due to no oil. At least the bands can play til dark. With no street lights for the same reasons overstated several times above.

But what about no more sales from CD players? Won't manufacturers and stores be gone eventually? World economy won't just drop, it would fail completely without being able to sell stuff to everyone and his brother. I mean, China would go out of business.

Oh, of course! Silly me. Everyone will be unemployed, stuck at home in the dark with no food. Or dead. Problem solved.

People are publishing their own books and music more and more. How are we going to stop them? Door to door search to arrest people who write, publish, sell, and read paper books, or musicians and music fans?

We'd have to burn the books we already have. Oh. We tried that a couple three times, and it didn't work. Whew. (That also included burning up a lot of people. That's out of vogue now. Whew again.)

This all sounds like that stupid idea to make everyone use fluorescent bulbs. The little ones with toxic gases in them. So what if the broken ones kill a bunch of kids? They'd only grow up to be unemployed and starving at home with no computers and electricity anyway.

Of course there won't be any homes at all with all the repair people & builders who will all be unemployed as their tools run on unaffordable electricity. They couldn't get paid on computers they don't have. Not to mention being too weak from not having food. And/or dead of course.)

Who is going to take care of all this mess? The government? Not if taxpayers go the way of the dinosaurs and congress won't get paid.

What are the courts going to do with all the overload of people cited or arrested for reading paper books, listening to CD's, and using incandescent light bulbs? Of course Court will be convened on computers and closed circuit TV. What'll they do when someone fails to show up? Swear out a bench warrant for the computer?

I'm wondering when we're going get devices planted in our heads so we can receive signals directly into our brains. We can even include medical diagnoses and treatments with that. Then guess what? No hospitals just unemployed doctors and nurses.

I don't go by predictions much. The predictions from my childhood said we'd have hovercrafts by now instead of cars. But it wouldn't have mattered anyway because the new ice age would've been here by now, and I'd be frozen as stiff as a CD. If my teachers weren't all retired or dead by now, they could verify they mentioned it. But they'd have to have your email address and without any computers or electricity--forget it.

If you didn't have a computer or electricity you wouldn't be reading this anyway. So...have a good laugh. Turn off your computer right now and give your electricity a rest. Hopefully, computers'll become obsolete and we can get back to cooking over campfires and living in caves. Ah the good ole days.

None of this'll actually matter because people'll become obsolete. All the computers will be completely bored and commit electronic suicide. Assuming they have electricity.

As Anonymous said, "Life is short. Eat dessert first."

CLOSER--SPOILER

2011-04-22T12:23:00.000-06:00

I watched an "old" (2004. Rated R) movie DVD I checked out of the library. I guess I can't complain since it was free. But...

Closer. I think it meant more close, not the meaning (or pronunciation) of Closer in Kyra Sedgwick's television cop series.

Close to what?

I was surprised to see these 30-something people acting more like teenagers or immature 20-somethings. Changing partners. Jealousy. Arguments. Throwing "fuck" into ever scene (verbally and implied.)

I was also surprised someone didn't off themselves or someone else.

This was definitely not a comedy unless you like to watch fools go 'round and 'round and never get anything except lots of action and self-created problems.

I didn't feel empathy for any of them. Is a comedy supposed to be focusing on sad pathetic people?

However, it IS worth watching if you want to see a younger Natalie Portman (nearly) nude. You can turn off the dialog to catch her scenes.

If you're single, lonely and want to get turned on (or turned off of seeking romance) try this movie. It would work for you either way.

And, oh--if you happen to like seeing grown men cry, Closer is for you.

RAINING IN NEW MEXICO?

2011-04-22T12:20:00.004-06:00

Thursday, April 07, 2011

Good lord and lady, it's raining here in the mountains! No wonder my joints were aching yesterday. (That and lifting the filled 20-pound (or is it 20-gallon?) propane tank. I can see I'm going to have to have some help with tanks when I live alone. A dolly or a serious cart. I doubt it would work to roll a full tank. I really don't want to blow up. If I do I'd rather die quick. I HATE going to the hospital for extended visits. And I really LOVE having skin.

On the other hand, I could get an electric hot water heater if I should hit the lottery. A hot water heater and taking a trip to Europe, I mean, and not necessarily in that order.

Hmmm, I could get propane delivered for $1000 a fill-up. It’d probably take me a two or three years to use up the propane needed for my hot water alone. But they make you order a fill-up now and again or they come and take the tank back. (Really.)

I suppose I could heat the damn water on the stove. I don’t need showers much. I have a hot tub to sanitize me, but I don't know if I really like that idea.

I'm going to have to get someone to teach me how to hook up the tank. Of course I can get a bigger tank that would last longer and have my lazy, grumpy, inconsiderate son (he says it's stress) to get it filled and hook it up for me. He told me that if I wanted him to help me, I should call him and say, "Get your ass over here and hook up the fucking propane tank, you lazy son-of-a-bitch asshole." And he added, "You don't know how to talk to people!"

Okay... And who's he kidding? I taught him to talk like that.

I wouldn't be using as much propane and hot water as he and his family do. Of course if I were rich I'd get an electric hot water heater and pay an electrician to hook it up. It couldn't cost much more than the damn electric stove. It was a $1400 stove, a last-year's-model, marked down to a mere $450. I got it home and found out that we didn't really have a 220-outlet behind the gas stove after all. So I only had to pay an electrician $1100 to have the line put in. Not bad considering he had to run the line along the outside roof overhang in a metal pipe all the way from the main electric box in the back of the house to the kitchen near the front. About fifty miles of it. So much for a good deal on the stove.

I guess the stove was worth it. It features what I wanted--ceramic top and self-cleaning oven and considerably cleaner than my old stove. It’s a small price to pay for cooked food the rest of my life, right?

Like I started to say, my son & his sweetie take showers everyday and wash their kids up very often in the over sized bathtub that leaks into my laundry room below (they deny their kids are splashing.) It's a big tub with “jacuzzi” jets that I never used after we got the hot tub.

I'd have the tub removed if I could. But it's non-removable. Probably weighs as much as a hundred 20-pound propane tanks.

Not to mention cemented-in.

BTW, I thought little boys are supposed to be dirty. When my kids were little I found out a lot of dirt rubs off on the sheets at night. That was Las Vegas NV desert dirt (modified sand that brushes off.) I loved it. Las Vegas I mean, not just the sand. The weather was so good that the kids could pay outside all year. It only rained 4 inches a year (mostly at the same time causing flash floods.) It only ever snowed once while we lived there and then only because one of my kids--never admitted who he was--prayed for snow. It melted about 20 minutes later.

The only thing about LV sand, you didn’t dare walk on it bare-footed in the summer. Super-Ouch. Though you could probably bake an egg on it. I think my kids tried it once. The dog ate it before we could tell.

Here in the East Mountains the dirt is what adobe bricks are made of. You have to wash your kids off quick or it sticks. There are some houses in old town with adobe bricks 300 years old. I wouldn't want my grandsons walking around looking like Horno Ovens. I've included a picture of an horno below for people who have never seen one. Those who thought NM was really in Mexico. And thought they needed a passport to visit here. (I met person who thought Las Vegas was in California. But at least CA’s in the United States.)

New Mexicans really use modern BBQ grills here. Most hornos are for decoration. Or in museums.

Oh the sun's trying to come out now. Partly cloudy must be weatherman code for intermittent overcast. I do hope the trees got enough water to keep them going a little while longer. Though I suppose the 100-foot Ponderosa Pines have roots a hundred feet deep into an underground river or something. Our well is only 199 feet deep so we aren't in competition with the trees for water. I hope. If we run out of water we can have it delivered. I saw the truck a couple months ago.

What did I want to say today? Oh yeah. I watched the movie The Social Network about the guy(s) that started Facebook. It was mostly talk -- very very fast talk. I did get the feel of what a college is like as well as seeing the horrific types of parties kids have now-a-days. Hell, I admit I might have been to some equally scary parties back in my college days and early marriedhood. But I didn’t shock as easily then and of course I was drunk so who can remember?

It hasn't rained here since...I don’t know when. It snowed precious little all winter. Mild winter except for the cold snaps of 35 below zero with warmer gusts of minus ten. Froze our water pipes twice.

I called the snowplow guy only once (for 75 fucking dollars) and bought some new all-season tires (for a mere 500 dollars plus tossing out the tires off my year-old car.)

Holy shit. I have a good excuse for throwing away money — "mania." Thank God and Goddess, there'er good meds for that now. I still have the habit of getting rid of money. I’m just not depressed about it like I used to be.

I was sure after getting all-weather tires installed that I wouldn't ever need them. It's like the reverse of washing your car and it rains. Like, umm, get car insurance so you won't have an accident. Or buy health insurance so you never get sick. Having life insurance so you don't die. Well, you will eventually. But you know what I mean. I guess getting new tires when you already have really new tires is better than wasting money on candy for instance.

At least I'm prepared in case the universe decides to put things back to normal, i.e., piles of snow and hubcap-deep mud. Driving on ice is tricky too. Since the road is paved now it makes the snow melt all day. When it freezes at night it's like ice hockey with a 3000-pound puck.

I had a little car when I first moved to Juan Tomas that could get up steep Juan Tomas hill only sliding down a few times getting to the top. At least I slid in a circle and faced downhill. Anyone coming along would think I’d planned to come and would know enough to get the hell out of the way so I wouldn't bounce off of them on the way to the bottom.

I'm too chicken to drive in snow or mud these days. Wisdom comes with age, you know.

I have experience with slippery mud, too. I took the top of unpaved Juan Tomas Road in the mud. Much to my surprise, I found out brakes don't work on slippery stuff! I slid onto a tree stump. I didn't notice the bumper was a bit crooked until later. I didn’t consider a slip off the road to be an accident and I'm pretty sure I wasn't at fault. I had a good excuse: MUD. So my insurance company never heard from me. At least it was a relief to know the stump couldn't sue.

Gravel is equally slippery. I found out the hard way when I took a turn a wee bit too fast. I made the turn on two wheels. I mean, literally. My son who was about eleven said, "Hey, cool. Let's do it again!" Recently, on his way to drop off his little boy at school on the snowy road, he gunned his “vintage” (dilapidated) Camero to take Juan Tomas hill and slid into a tree. Twice. Some people only learn by repetition. He didn't think THAT was cool. No one was hurt and the Camero was officially declared junk finally, so some good came out of it.

I hoped it would rain enough today even if it led to mud. I haven't ventured out to see for myself. It would be easy to let the dog in and watch for muddy footprints. I could actually walk outside to see how much mud clings to my shoes, but I don't dare do that. As I said, adobe mud is slippery and it’s vastly heavy when it dries on shoes. Adobe mud hardens into industrial strength cement.

Oh yeah. I have to record my dream before I forget the whole thing. I usually forget my dreams but find the mood they set lingers with me all day. I was with some guy that looked like a cross between two of Ed's friends Harold and Tim at a self-improvement conference lead by some jackass that wanted us to remove our pants and line up in our underwear so we would get over embarrassment. I refused to do it. I decided then and there I was a rebel. Finally I did get up and get in a line for woman's restroom. When I dream I'm waiting for a stall, it means I have to go in real life. So I usually wake up and go. Thankfully it's in that order.

I also had a dream about being back at my old job at the LVMPD standing at the counter trying to see over a bunch of old typewriters. I suggested to the boss that we move some of them, and she was the same bitch she was back then. No. They had to stay there. I still have nightmares about the records bureau.

Oh, I know what woke me up in the night. The electricity kept blinking off and on. I could hear the cordless phone bleeping when the electricity started back up again. It was out only a few seconds at a time. But I noticed instantly that it is so QUIET when the electricity was off. There is definitely a sound when electricity goes thorough wires, even when electrical devices “off.” It’s amazing (until I get an electric bill for $500.)

We're too far from Taos to hear the Taos Hum. But I could swear, now and then, that Juan Tomas has a hum too. Or maybe it's the Air Force base a few mountains over testing some sort flying craft they made with secret alien technology?

This IS New Mexico, home of the Roswell flying saucer crash sixty-five years ago. Yeah, right. LOL-doubled. That rumor didn't even start until 30 or 40 years later. I have heard rumors it was a weather balloon. True, those suckers are scary when you see your first one. But I'm sure I read somewhere it was a spy balloon that the American government put up to circle the earth to see what Russian war-mongers were up to in the cold-war era after WWII.

However, my theory is it was a leftover Japanese balloon that had a bomb attached that crashed in Roswell. The government DID have a cover-up on those things. There were hundreds (or at least dozens) of them) drifting across the Pacific long after the war was over. None of the others, of course, exploded.

Hey. I saw it on PBS so it's true. PBS doesn't lie.

I hope all these armed balloons are gone by now. You just never know.

I’ve got to go now. It's almost lunch time and I haven't eaten breakfast yet.

To my friends and relatives, come over and visit me in NM. You don’t need a passport. Honest.

SOUTH FROM GRENADA

2011-04-22T12:17:00.002-06:00

Thursday, April 7, 2011South from Granada

I'm still thinking about that movie South from Granada I mentioned on my other blog Movie Opinions April 4, 2011. Since I don't do spoilers on that blog, merely give my opinion of a movie to let people know a bit about the movie so they can decide to watch it or not, I thought I go ahead and spoil it on here.

Does anyone read this anyway?

First of all, what foreign movie industries label "comedy" or "romantic comedy" is WAY different than what American movies mean by "romantic" and/or comedy. This movie, in my opinion, was far from a comedy. This was a drama. Few laughs except when Brenan calls after the girl who ran out of the room after the first time they made-love, "Was it that bad?"

I watched my way through Matthew Goode's movies, mostly newest to oldest, until I got to his first movie South from Granada (there's one earlier made-for-British-TV movie which no one's ever heard of, Ugliest Stepsister or something.)

I've liked all his movies (Leap Year is still my favorite even thought it's not his best.) All except Chasing Liberty, that is. Groan, Cough-cough. Icky-poo.

South From Granada, a Spanish movie, is based on a memoir of Gerald Brenan, a writer, who lived in Spain circa 1920.

Matthew Goode, in an attempt to make him look a little like Brenan, had his hair dyed golden blond. He has naturally curly hair so this made him look like a cute little English Moppet. Except for the fact he is long and lanky (over 6-feet tall and almost painfully slender) and has a glorious deeper than deep voice. He looked quite good with blond hair, just not as powerful or as mature as he looks with natural black hair.

Another scene, completely unbelievable at the end was supposed to be 20 years later. The daughter who would then be 23, still looked like a young teenager, while the Brenans looked about 70. I sure didn't like seeing Matthew mostly white-haired and bald with wrinkles and bags under his eyes. And you'd think he'd gain a little weight by then and not stay so string-beany.

I was amazed to read that Matthew Goode doesn't speak Spanish. (The Spanish in Spain is as different from New Mexican Spanish that they might have been speaking Martian. All all I caught was por favor a couple of times.) In reality, Matthew spoke his lines by phonetic imitation. It takes exceptional talent and intelligence to be able to do that.

I found it hard to read the subtitles AND keep my eyes on the characters and action at the same time. I had to keep backing the DVD up and replaying it to catch some of the dialog and/or look at Matthew's beautiful face.

In one delicious scene, that looked awkward as hell, Gerald and Juliana are learning to dance to the tune of a gramophone. The actor and actress were both completely naked. It was just a few delightful seconds, so don't blink or you'll miss it. But I must say, Matthew is definitely hung, if you know what that means. (You can see this scene on YouTube if you search a little.) He's also surprisingly muscular which isn't obvious when you see him clothed.

I feel a bit about this movie the way I felt about Imagine Me and You. In that movie, I was sad for the husband who was dumped by his new bride in favor of another woman. It was a comedy in the sense that it had a happy ending, I guess. But Matthew did such a convincing performance as a worried, hurt and sad man that he had me crying. At least it had a few more laughs in it than South from Granada.

In South from Grenada, Matthew's character Gerald Brenan has a child with his young lover who was a maid in his rented house, as was the custom at that time (and might still be for all I know.) He leaves her to go back to England, promising he'll be back. But he doesn't come back for three years and, in fact, get married in the space of that three years. (If I were writing this, I would bring him back to town to live with his lover joyfully forever. I guess real life is different. In this movie I'd prefer more fiction.

Not only that, the guy he returns three years later with mustache and his wife in tow and they get his little girl and leaves town again.

Granted, the mother did say yes. Actually she said, "If she stays here she'll be as poor as the rest of us," or words to that effect.

It's how I felt about Buddha Gautama when I first heard he left his wife and child (and palace) to go sit under a tree and contemplate. How spiritual is that, I ask you? I've forgiven him now. But hard on the kids, these broken families.

South from Granada is a little like Madame Butterfly the opera, without all the singing, in which the navy lieutenant leaves the Japanese "wife" there with their son. Then he returns with his wife to claim the boy. Of course the Japanese girl does what is expected of her...commits supuku or ritual suicide. In this movie, the Spanish senorita doesn't kill herself, she just goes on jumping into bed with other lovers and presumably having more children. But still...

It's time to put Leap Year on my DVD player and chase South from Granada out of my mind.

Matthew Goode as Declan. Leap Year 2010

FOOD, COOKING, & BOOK DISCUSSION

2011-04-10T11:59:00.017-06:00

I used to be one of those people obsessed with eating/not eating. Not necessarily interested in food or preparing it, just woofing it down or preventing myself from woofing it down. But now that I've kicked the compulsive eating syndrome, I'm beginning to feel an appreciation for food and cooking.

I can see now why cooking is considered and art. It's creative. It's enjoyable to prepare meals that are both beautiful and delicious. (Ohmygod, I sound like Martha Stewart.)

The problems that discouraged me in the past were:

1) Never having all the ingredients in recipes in my kitchen, so I made them up with what I had,
2) Wanting something easy, simple and fast to feed a passel of kids,
3) Using packaged food,
4) Having at least one husband who didn't give a flying fig about food or eating with me,)
5) Recipes did work right or look like they were supposed to.

Then there were the times when we didn't have anything to eat in the house except macaroni (well, once.) Now when young people say, "We don't have anything to eat," they mean, "Everything is frozen and I don't have time to defrost it," or "We don't like anything we have, Or "We don't do leftovers so let's throw them away." Which means, in my eyes, "Let's waste food." Or, a new one, "My food stamps haven't come yet."

Sorry if I'm so cynical but I think I'm turning into my mother-in-law who used to freak out if her kids or her grandkids waste food or ate popcorn for dinner. Heck, we truly didn't want to eat everything on our plate because we really were full. And we were on the way to the movie theater so didn't really have time to eat a full, nutritious meal she always wanted to cook us.

Now to the point. I attend a book discussion group once a week with other single ladies. It's heavy reading and takes a lot of energy to plow through (like Tibetan Book of the Dead with editor commentary) so we began to alternate bringing something to eat afterwards so we could relax and enjoy conversation.

It's gone from a potluck fare to becoming a gourmet dinner party. There might even be a smidgen of "Can-you-top-this?" involved.

I'm not complaining. I LOVE IT. I'm becoming eager to my week to cook and shopping at the fancy-schmancy grocery stores, Sunflower or Trader Joe's, for tasty, fresh and/or organic items.

We began with sharing "main course." Gradually we added appetizers for when someone showed up hungry--snacks to nibble while we read and sipped herbal tea such as brie cheese and those small whole grain Wheat Thins.

Our next addition was a selection of bread, some of which homemade and sometimes rare and exotic. With nice, soft, creamy butter or warm garlic bread.

Then our hostess began making these amazing salads because she has a garden. The salads would make a full meal but we eat them with the main course. Lately I noticed she's also adding more and more amazing ingredients. Things that I love such as artichoke hearts or avocado. With homemade balsamic vinegar dressing also. Yum.

Then the lady that loves to bake started doing little breads and unusual cookies, so we advanced to another course--desert. One week it was fresh, sliced strawberries, out of season. Yum again.

Some of the wonderful things we've fixed and/or eaten are lasagna made from scratch. Ditto on spaghetti and meat balls. Bruschetta. Homemade green chile stew. Makes me hungry to even think about it. Steamed homegrown asparagus. Yum times three.

The week I fixed a green chile stew I had to say, "This is so good I can't believe I made it!"

We've also added sides to the main course.

This is magnificent!!! I'm so glad to be a part of it.

The week before last, in my fervor for Julie and Julia (and books the movie was based on)I made a creamed mushroom soup. I even chopped the mushrooms into little pieces rather than just slicing them, used the leeks instead of onions that were substitutes. It called for three cups of milk and a cup of sour cream. The sour cream from the health food store was thick and shiny and had a taste out of this world! (Is that an old cliche? Sorry. Now I sound like a Campbell's Soup can.)

I told another friend about this great dinner party/book discussion group and my mushroom soup and she gasped and said it was terribly "unhealthy." I stood by my Julia Child recipe and declare it was only milk like we drink anyway, and sour cream instead of heavy cream. (I didn't mention the butter I'd sauteed the leeks in.) I also told her since we weren't eating meat it wasn't overdoing it with "fat." So she knuckled under and said it was okay since we shared it among several people (And I had leftovers which I don't mind eating.)

If you'd like to join a book discussion groups with fabulous books, cooks and food, the next book on the reading list is Mysteries of the Kabbalah, call me, and I'll give you directions.

WRITING

2011-04-08T08:25:00.008-06:00

I thought I'd start blogging right away this morning because my head is full of words and some of them, the ones formed into actual sentences, are clamoring to get out.

I'm not exactly inspired or eager. I just have a lot to say and no one around to talk to.

Besides I have to put off vacuuming to the last minute. I do better with a deadline. And a friend I've known since mid-school is stopping by on her way from L.A., CA to someplace else. She has this really cool van with extra headroom and a queen sized bed and a warm feather comforter.

She's fearless of driving on freeways and around cities. I guess it's the training she's had on treacherous CA freeways. (I, on the other hand, live in the country far enough away from a SMALL city, so I don't need to drive on freeways.) On I-40 in Albuquerque people actually let you into traffic when your coming from an on-ramp. Except the people from out-of-state. Theey're most likely from CA. And trucks don't count being filled with crazy truck drivers apparently above the law.

My friend thinks nothing of driving three-thousand miles alone. She pulls over into parking lots at night to sleep. (Godforbid, is it a WalMart parking lot?)

I have two questions for her that I don't have the guts to ask. Is she armed? And does she have a port-a-potty in there?

Also this morning, I can see my reflection in the computer screen and my hair, from sleeping all night, is a mess. I look like a 1960's NY artist. I plan to take a shower and fix my hair after I vacuum, right after she calls and says she's nearly here.

I just can't tear myself away from writing sometimes. Especially when my brain keeps streaming me words like Netlix streams me movies.

I have to let the ideas out or my head might explode splattering words everywhere. Another thing I'd have to vacuum up.

I took my last two blog entries off this blog Advising Myself? And started a new one called Advising Myself Too (get it? too/two?) They had "adult" words and I have to post a "warning. I've always thought people who talked cuss words and dirty remarks were not "adult" but rather immature.

There you go.

I do love to cuss as much as I love to use big, intellectual words to show how smart I really am and not immature. I guess some people just think that's stupid.

You know the difference between dumb and stupid, don't you? My son told me this about 20 years ago (when he was 11.) Dumb is when you don't know anything. Stupid is when everything you know is wrong.

Perhaps you've heard that old joke. Sorry. I'm not dumb or stupid. The worst I can be chastised for is either trying to show I'm smarter than other people, or of dumbing myself down so people will think I'm normal like them. See? I use bad grammar to ingratiate myself to the masses.

I hope you check out my other blog Advising Myself Too. I think the entries (two so far) have more to offer than this silly blog; that is, if you can stand reading assorted "adult" words and the occasional f-word. (BTW, I think blogspot might have a computer that scans for dirty words. I can't imagine a real person reading these blogs.)

So, where was I?

Ah, words. This blog is for and about writers today. Specifically it's about breathing. Or writing about it. I know writers are looking for new and exciting words to say the same old thing over and over. But, come on, some of these things are just awful.

My pet peeve is the narrative containing "He took a deep breath and blew it out." It brings to mind an image of a guy pursing his lips and blowing like he's putting out this birthday cake.

The expression "He took a deep breath and let it out slowly," brings to mind one of those seminars where some guru is trying to teach an auditorium to visualize or meditate. He can even say, "Take a deep breath and blow it out." if it's for dramatic effect and emphasis.

Why can't the writers just say, "He took a deep breath." I mean, the exhale is a given, right? We all know you breathe out after you breathe in. Unless of course you want to set a mood and convey something like a victim dangling from a noose. "He took a deep breath and gasped for air." Now that would be descriptive enough to give you an inkling that you're reading something like Stephen King.

Well, that's it. That's my message today. (I'll bet some writers just cringe when I write "well" at the beginning of a sentence. But if I write like I talk, well, "well" is a good word to set a mood and let you know it's a blog and not horror novel.)

I have to go clean up the house. And then myself. Though, I've heard it said (Dear Abby?) that people come to you, not your house. It helps if they don't step in something sticky. Although, getting covered in cat hair from the waist down is a given, right?

Thanks for reading me!

Cat Clip Art

What is Cyberspace?

2011-03-02T11:57:00.008-07:00

Illustration courtesy of Brain Waves, LLC. Clker.com

Have you ever wondered what happens to the words and pictures on posts and letters when you enter them into your computer and press send?

I can understand where money goes when you order something online. Some sort of electronic brain adds you to a list; then a person then puts the item in a box with your address and ships it to you. (Or are boxing and labeling done by machines now?) Do you ever wonder why there's not more mistakes. For instance, you ordering a book on automobile repairs and get a used DVD of old Lawrence Welk shows?

The electronic "stores" zap the money out of your account into their account. Simple.

Banking on line is getting more amazing than that. We can actually deposit checks from our computers and our cell phones.

So you send an image of your check. This picture of your check enables your bank's computers to zap money out the other guys bank into your account. It seems fool-proof, right? George Doe won't be able to zap your deposit into his off shore Cayman account. Unless he has a smarter computer than your bank. It's just a matter of time. Hopefully the rate of technological change will stay one step ahead of him.

However, I do wonder what money really is if it isn't wrinkled green pieces of paper and little round disks with dead politicians' pictures on them.

Where does information fed into computers actually go? When I click publish on my blog and turn off my computer where are the words stored? Someplace in computerized warehouse with humongous storage bins of electronic drawers? Or does it just linger in the air between your computer and other peoples computers?

Just where is facebook really? Where is blogspot? And where the hell are Amazon and Netflix? Are they buildings, people or are they just a gigantic brain called world wide web?

Many stores can send movies and e-book instantly to our computers, TVs, and other amazing electronic devices like Wii and Kindle. Where ARE these e-books and movies before someone zaps them to you (and zaps away your money?) At least you can see books on a shelf at the bookstore or movies projected on a screen at the theater.

When televisions and phones were invented, we had an idea where the pictures and sounds came from. Much like light coming out of incandescent light bulbs, it was wires coming out of walls and strung on electric & telephone poles that connected us to the outside world. Right?

Then we found out that televion and radio waves are traveling invisibly through the air in each and every direction. (Air's oxygen and other elements, thank God.) THen again, have you alwasy wondered, along with me, whether these waves go around us or straight through us as they make their way to a receiver?

If anyone has a clue let me know what cyberspace is and more inportantly where it is. Surely it's more than just a concept?

Try not to wonder too much. Computers do most of everything for us, why not let them do it?

DICHOTOMIES or in other words, WHAT?????

2011-02-26T11:37:00.012-07:00

I have some questions about some things in America that are contradictory besides the obvious such as "we park on a driveway and drive on a parkway."

Why is it, if we think of something bad it happens almost immediately, and what we want to happen never happens? Oh, I did drop a jelly bread that landed jelly side UP once.

Why can't most Americans understand accents from the British Isles when the British actually speak English?

Then again, in Leap Year, Matthew Goode spoke with an Irish accent and Amy Adams--"Anna from Boston"--spoke with her Californian accent and didn't even try to put on a Boston accent?

Speaking of accents, what about those actors using foreign accents to simlate a foreign language? If they were really speaking their own languages would they have accents? Why couldn't they just talk normally and let us assume they're speaking in their own languages? (Or speak in that language and use subtitles? (More movies are doing that. And why don't Americans learn second languages? Spanish in elementary, French in mid-school, German in high-school, and a choice in college? Maybe I should mention British, but that's supposed to be English. (Oh yeah, I forgot, they invented English.)

Exception: In The Man in the Iron Mask it was refreshing to see the three musketeers played by John Malkovich who spoke with his Chicago accent, Gérard Depardieu who spoke with his French accent and that other guy (Jeremy Irons) who had an English accent. The fourth musketeer d'Artagnan had a generic American accent (if there is such a thing.) It might have been embarrassing, but it was realistic. Bravo to the producer who allowed it. (Who knows? He might have given up. And if they were speaking in British accents, who would understand them?)

What's with a fourth musketeer in movie about the three musketeers anyway?

Why is it, too, that when you are married you have to fend off admirers, and when you're single and lonely there's nobody to be found?

Why is it when you're young you haven't got a clue about life and when you get wisdom and know how to use your brains you're too old to do anything with it? (Well, you can write blogs nobody reads.)

Why is it when you're young and start writing you don't have any experiences to write about and no writing knowledge, and when you're good at writing you can't remember which characters are which and what they said (or their eye color?) (I think it was Tony Hillerman who admitted he forgot a complete character.)

Why is it when you're working you have the money to do things and when you're not working you're broke? And when you're working you have plenty of time to do things, and when you're working you're too damn tired to do anything, let alone have time?

Why is it when you're young you don't appreciate your parents and when you realize they were pretty great they're dead? Same goes for your kids, not dead, but no longer sweet little babies you can lavish with love anymore?

What was that silly saying? "You don't miss the water til the river runs dry." Of course not. How can you "miss" something you still have? It should say, "You don't appreciate the water til the river runs dry." That must apply to everything.

How come you don't appreciate how thin you were when you first started thinking you were fat? When you're really get fat, oops, too late...

What's that saying, "You get what you deserve" only applies when something bad happens to you? To get good things you have to work hard and earn it?

I am so glad that when I order a ham and swiss sandwich with mayo on rye bread, I actually get ham and swiss with mayo on rye.

See my Movie Opinions Blog at www.sandy-schairer.blogspot.com

Movie Opinions vs. Movie Reviews

2011-02-20T13:00:00.000-07:00

See my other blog: Movie Reviews
www.sandy-schairer@blogspot.com

I don't really write movie “reviews.” I add personal things to my Movie blog, so it doesn’t count as review. I don't care what people watch. But I do believe life is too short to watch bad movies. We can use all the help we can get as we wind our way through the isles of video stores, Netflix or Amazon websites, or flipping our way through television channels.

I think the movies the media raves about, no one really likes. The ones I like no one even sees. Hardly anyone. There is ME and the people that make them. And perhaps their relatives.

I think movies are the meaning to life. Fiction can be more real than real life. Have you noticed? Even ones based on true stories seem real.

Okay. Okay. I’m trying to be witty. But it's true. When I started being witty women weren't allowed to be witty. People who read my stuff frequently don't get my humor. One comment on facebook said they hoped I found something to make me happy soon instead of sounding so negative and sarcastic. What was his excuse?

I like older movies. With more recent movies I have a tendency to rent one and then buy it and watch it a bunch more times. I think that might be obsessive/compulsive, but it’s more fun than washing ones hands a million times a day. (If I were afraid of germs, I would've never had kids. I mean they're germy little things--children. (Not those other things you're thinking of.)

However, I have overcome my compulsion to shop and spend dozens of dollars on things I don’t really need. Like, I can either lose weight or gain some to fit perfectly into the clothes I already have.

I also get hooked on an actor or actress and watch all their movies, similar to reading all the books of a certain author. In order. I do that too.

I have been falling in-love with movie stars since I was 8. I think the answer is reincarnation. I knew those old Hollywood guys in a previous life. For instance, I loved Clark Gable. I think I was just a wanna-be actress who partied her self to death. (I don’t think partied is a real word. I hope I spelled it right.)

It's good to express myself in my blogs. Sort of like therapy. It’s good I have something to do (like write.) I like staying at home in winter. Only thing I must go to is doctor appointments and therapy. Therapy is starting to help. I do better when I act like an adult. I am building up my confidence more now. How else would I get the nerve to put this out into cyberspace? I wonder if Woody Allen has a blog? Could’ve saved himself a lot of money over the years on psychoanalysis.

I guess I could call my blog "Diary of a Mad Widow" (remember that old movie Diary of a Mad Housewife? I fell in love with the actor in that movie. He's ugly now and was in that horrid movie The Box. Icky. (Sorry Frank, nothing personal.)

My shrink put me on antidepressants because all I could do was sit here and cry and fee awful. I now sit here and watch movies and knit but I’m way happier. Life’s a blast no matter what you think, feel, say or do. No seriously, it is. Try it.

When the weather warms up I plan to travel. I’m taking my dog. I spend a lot of time treating my dog like a baby. She has a bad hip (so do I) so we can keep up with each other.

I like having her in my room at night because she wakes me up early. The only problem with that is feeling sleepy at 8:30 PM. Bad news if I happen to be out driving.

So...I reveal all my inner activities while other people tell me things they actually do. My therapist says I'm an introvert. No duh. Manic Depressive too. Known that for 50 years. Now that I am being treated for it I should probably find something to do with my life.

Oh, I do have something I do! I'm in a book study Monday nights. We’re reading Tibetan Book of the Dead with commentary. Mostly we bring dinner and visit with each other after reading out loud. We don't understand what we're reading so we can't really discuss it.

I make the effort to get dressed and go to church now and then, mostly to see my friends. I met my late husband at church in 1987. But meeting men that way isn’t going to work for me anymore. I used to attract men with sex and money. I need a blind boyfriend who doesn’t want to go shopping.

Now I hang out with my women friends, all other writers. They make me feel cool. And normal.

Thanks for letting me get this off my chest. (What does that mean?) Like that girl who said in Imagine Me and You her teacher always said (imagine English accents.) "There's no problem insoluble given a big enough plastic bag." The character she was cheering up asked, "What does that mean?" They were both very cool in that movie. One of them was nine.

I’d better quit now and go see what my daughter-in-law fixed for lunch. Oh yeah. I’m home alone. One of these days I’m gonna learn how to cook. My kids would have appreciated that.

Toodle-ooo

If It Isn't Sumptin, It's Sumptin Else

2011-02-09T15:45:00.000-07:00

I'm sure you remember the quote as the title of this post from SNL's Gilda Radner when she was Roseanne Roseannadanna. She said, It's what my father always said, "If it isn't something, it's something else."

Luckily, my Dad was a handyman and did everything around the house...including carpentry, plumbing, electrical, yard work, everything except dishes, if I remember right.

My beloved husband was all that and more. He built our house nearly single-handily and kept it running for 20 years. My son said Ed was a superman. Ed started on the house a little over 20 years ago. Now it's staring to break down like one of our cars. Conveniently, Ed left here before all the problems started. I can't really blame him. It was cancer.

I recently had a new roof put on after the hail damage. Luckily it was covered by insurance. If it was up to me, I could've bought a lot of buckets for $15 G's. Unfortunately, I chose the wrong roofer to do the job. There is a bunch of things that I don't like about the job, one of which is the whole damn thing, the quality of the work, the company's attitude. etc., etc. etc. Not least of which is the fools he hired to do the actual work and I think they took out the glass out of the skylights which weren't even broken and put the plastic domes on without replacing the glass. Duh. I don't know if I have to call that disagreeable man or call a skylight guy. It's up to my insurance agent. (I still have to get a stucco man over to replace the stucco that the roofers chipped off. One patch is really big. The insurance adjuster said the insurance would pay for the replacement of the roof (less my deductible. Thank goodness I already paid that.)

Last summer we had the problem of our well pump filling the pressure tank to maximum pressure making it spew huge amounts of water into the backyard. We called an electrician and he replaced the part--34-bucks. No, that was the cost of the part. He had to come out to our house in the mountains twice--once to look at it and once to go get the part. He got lost on the way here and drove about 20 or 30 miles out of his way to get here. Around a couple extra mountains as a matter of fact. And charged me for the time it took for him to find his way back to civilization. I'm sure he charged me an hour or two of time to change the part even though it took him a half hour, and for coming out on a Saturday. (It's real hard for us spoiled Americans to go without water for very long.)

This winter when it dipped down below zero, WAY below zero this time, our pipes froze up (second time.) My son turned everything off (again without water for several days.) The pipes unfroze fortunately but now something is leaking. He said it's the switch from the pump to the pressure tank so we had to decide whether to call an electrician or a plumber.

I called five different plumbing companies before I found one that would even listen to me. They are all booked up for days because of all the frozen/broken pipes in the mountains (and other places in NM.) This kind-hearted guy is sending one of his men over here between big jobs to look at it and fix it since he has a couple of those parts in his truck right now. YAY. The only good news I've had in a long time.

Well, I'm waiting for good news from my nephew and his wife who are expecting a baby in the next several weeks. That's the kind of news I want. Really good news to offset the bad news I've been dealing with at home.

One of the most aggravating things is not having propane delivered anymore. The cost of the propane was getting prohibitive in the last few years and last winter and this, it was too much to contemplate. The large tank costs 1000 bucks to fill up plus I imagine it costs something to get the tank delivered and installed. Even if we get the smaller tank, the company won't deliver any propane unless we snow plow the driveway. Plus we have to guarantee we'll buy so many gallons over the year. Just to heat water, no way we'd reach that. I am tempted to put in an electric hot water heater but our electricity bill is WAY out of site in the winter.

All we do now with propane is heat the hot water with it. We had a medium sized portable tank but it was too big to carry in any of our vehicles. Besides you can't carry a full propane tank inside a closed vehicle anyway. So...guess what...we have three little barbecue sized tanks for the hot water. When they run out we sometimes have to wait a few days to get hot water back again...we evidently can't go without hot water either.) When my son is at work from dawn to dark no one's here who knows how to hook them up. No me nor my daughter-in-law. It's all we can do to run the washing machines. We use cold water for that anyway.

So the headaches of owning your own house. And getting too old to work on it. Or having a son that can do just about anything fixing a to a big semi truck but doesn't know jack about fixing stuff around the house.

On top of all that. My computer wouldn't come on this morning. I panicked, of course, thinking I'd have to take it to the repair guy again. Not my favorite thing to do considering it costs me $$$ every time I take it in, and I have to put up with the guy hitting on me while I'm there. Luckily I lucked out this time, haha...my computer ran a diagnostic, figured out what was wrong, and did a system restore to fix itself. It's fine. Whew. (Well, you wouldn't be reading this if it weren't fine, huh?)

I'm sure my friends are getting sick of me complaining. So, believe me when I say, I can't handle anymore crises right now.

I think I'll go eat some cookies.

My weekend

2011-01-30T19:28:00.000-07:00

This has not been MY weekend for entertainment.

I went to a play at Little Theater in Albuquerque last night. At least I think it was Albuquerque since I couldn't find the damn place. I don't trust Mapquest anymore because it sent me through some pretty creepy areas downtown, from a well-lighted well-known thoroughfare into a very dark neighborhood with a couple of dead-end streets.

This was after I drove from the East Mountains down Sedillo Hill on I-40 in the pitch dark all the way to the Rio Grande exit that's just short of the Rio Grande River (yes, the real Rio Grande.) This trip included driving through the Big I (major freeway interchange that looks like the interchanges in California.)

The Big I is scary even with the sun shining and moderate traffic. The traffic on Friday and Saturday nights in Albuquerque is worse than rush hour on weekdays because ALL the streets are jammed with traffic not just the freeways. And Albuquerque is a small city. Yow.

Coming into town from my side of the mountains, I saw two big semi's coming down the road behind me driving side by side, neck to neck. I got a bad feeling when I saw they were gaining on me and I was doing 65 (the speed limit. Hey-hey.)

When they caught up to me one changed lanes and they sped past me still neck and neck, one on each side of me. It was terrifying. It was like driving between two moving skyscrapers. I have a little Ford Focus. I hate passing trucks or have them pass me mainly because they can't even see me.

Coming home I took a wrong turn onto Central (I think it was Central) and drove around and around downtown for a half hour including driving on a one-way street going the wrong way. I was completely lost and had no idea where I was. I have never driven downtown except when I went to court for jury duty and then once to bail someone out of jail.

On a Saturday night, too, downtown's crawling with the nightlife going to and fro for clubs or whatever the hell they do downtown. I finally found a street I recognized (the name only, since it was too damn dark to see anything. I made a quick turn and then got off of it instead of sticking it out. Then driving through a dark neighborhood I got tired of sitting at a red light when there was absolutely no one coming for a mile in each direction. So I drove through the red light (after looking, or course. I was sober and not stupid.)

I guess the thing I learned from this experience is that everything out there looks way different after dark. Even my own yard. Especially when there's no moon. And no lights out here in the mountains. Downtown made up for no lights, however.

I am determined not to go downtown ever again. If I get called for Jury Duty again I'm having someone drive me to the front door. Someone who knows where they're going.

Little Theater has been remodeled in recent years. They made it bigger. And put the seats closer together. I was in the middle of a row squished between other people with less leg (and arm) room than the average airplane seat. On top of that the woman in front of me was tall and I had to keep leaning from side to side or tilting my head from side to side which gave me a really nice neck ache.

I got there early because I was part of group of Sisters in Crime local chapter Croak and Dagger. We are the Albuquerque mystery writers and readers group. Last time we came to a play as a group, we were seated in the second row and the director of Little Theaters announced Sisters in Crime was there and had us stand up for applause. This time were sitting near the back and not acknowledged. Heck, as celebrities go we don't have many in Albuquerque. You'd think they'd be thrilled to let people know a group of writers were present. Oh well.

On top of that, the play that I can't even remember the name of (I think it was Sherlock Holmes Last Case) was terrible. Not only could I not see it, I couldn't hear it or understand it. The various actors performed with various bad accents passing badly for English and cockney, and some other unintelligible accents. One woman was talking in a high pitched voice with some sort of mangled accent and I couldn't understand a word she said.

On top of that she had a bad wig which came down so far on her forehead that I couldn't see her eyes. Not that I could anyway being seated so far back in the theater.

So that's the story on that.

And then today I got my next Matthew Goode movie from Netflix. It was one of his earlier films. Chasing Liberty and was a terrible movie. The actors were totally unconvincing. They looked as bored as I was. The girl was still a teenager, and the premise was stupid. It was just not believable. No heart. No intelligence. Dumb, dumb, dumb. Wait, the scenery was good but probably fake.

I can understand what Matthew Goode meant when he said in an interview that Leap Year was Chasing Liberty all over again. Many of scenes were major repeats of scenes in Leap Year. Only in Chasing Liberty they were awful. (At least in Leap Year the acting was good and showed a great deal more heart. The young people in Leap Year were older and took life a bit more seriously.

So if it snows here like the weather channel predicts, I will be snowed in with Chasing Liberty instead of the next Matthew Goode movie on my Netflix queue. WAAAAAAAAAA

Clothes & Size

2011-01-24T10:23:00.000-07:00

I never thought I'd ever say this but all my damn clothes are too small for me.

I recently donated about two car fulls of clothes and other things to thrift stores (some were my late husband's clothes.) I donated the too old ones, the too boring ones, the too big ones, and some too small ones. Now I'm stuck between sizes and nothing fits.

It's like donating all the baby clothes and equipment and then getting pregnant again.

After I recovered from my serious illness, spinal surgeries, and open heart surgery in 2009, I weighed 120 lbs. for awhile. I was so scrawny that I cried every time I looked in a mirror. I looked 80 years old. Then I started walking and getting healthier (eating again after not eating for a year.) I started exercising and gaining weight. (A good deal of it was muscle that I regained.) At least I plumped out my wrinkles and sagging skin so I didn't look death warmed over anymore.

Thank goodness I didn't get up to what I used to weigh. It took an XL to cover me. Recently I'm able to fit into some of the clothes I used to have to squeeze into uncomfortably.

I have lost 10 lbs. recently without even trying. I am just not as hungry as I used to be. And my appetite for certain foods has lessened. I don't eat a lot of sweets anymore nor do I pop popcorn every night anymore.

I think part of the secret is to stick to that saying, "Don't eat after seven at night." If I get up early and I'm ready to get into bed, I'm too lazy to get back out of bed to go to the kitchen. Or fix something. I can't keep food in my room because the dog might sniff it and chomp into it in the middle of the night.

So, I guess I'll have to go shopping for some medium sized pants or else go try to find my former clothes at the thrift store.

Funny Ha Ha and Funny Strange

2011-01-21T11:39:00.000-07:00

Since I am fairly sure none of my family, friends (or strangers, for that matter) are reading my blog and I'm writing for myself, (or is that to myself?) I might as well write what I want. And if you don't like it, you can just piss off (I say that because I am not sure I can say fuck off on blogspot.)

Old Age & Dying
You know, people don't die from old age when they get old. They die from Hell-in-a-handbasket Syndrome. When old folks get to the point they are sure the world is going to hell in a handbasket, they' ready to kick the bucket. If they aren't, they should be.

God
I do believe in an afterlife, but I'm still out to lunch on the issue of God. I would prefer Him to be a Her, quite frankly. I guess if I don't "believe" in God, I should go the the Unitarian Church. They don't mention God.

I like that anonymous comment on bumper stickers "Heck is where you go if you don't believe in Gosh." Read a bumper sticker near you. (I think that was a bumper sticker, too.)

I loved Ricky Gervais on YouTube discussing his views on religion in an interview. He said, "If there is a God, why did he make me an atheist?" I'm still laughing at that. The man is never going to hell in a handbasket.

If hell exists. Maybe hell is a handbasket.Hmmm.

I love Ricky Gervais's humor. I thought he was funny at the Golden Globe Awards. I'm sorry now I didn't watch it.

Internet
I saw an announcement on television (I think it was the Albuquerque weather channel) for the Marine Corp. They ended with that great picture of the men standing in their dress uniforms with the cool slogan: THE PROUD, THE FEW, THE MARINES, and I am sure I saw (in small print) marines.com.

Everything is dot com now. I wonder if you can truly join the military online. What do they do then? Come to your house and induct you? Drive up in the bus and pick you up? Or do they induct you on the internet or closed circuit TV?

Signs (No, I'm not talking about that Mel Gibson movie)
I'm sure you all (Who?)have seen the young people along side the road (or in the medians) holding up the sign (usually hand written) to draw you into restaurants and car washes. I saw one just a couple days ago for a new donut shop. That was very helpful since I drive by that location frequently and am I a sucker for donuts. Next time I'll slow down below the speed limit and try to turn in the parking lot. I hope they have drive up, since I am usually is a big hurry. But there's no time like the present for a donut.

Then I saw, a block farther down the same road, a guy holding a sign saying "Move in special. 2 bedrooms. Utilities paid." What the hell??? Is someone who happens to be driving by gonna say, "Hmmm. I think I'll have a donut." and then, "Oh. An apartment. I think I'll stop in and move," huh?

This is a bizarre world. Maybe it's going to hell in a handbasket. Oh no. Am I that old already?

Yeah, I DO think I'm funny (Image of handbasket I borrowed from the internet. So sue me.)

Clothing Mistakes

2011-01-06T20:01:00.000-07:00

Back in the 1950's when I was young, my mother told me that when she was young, bras had'nt been invented yet. (She was born in 1916.)

Then bras were invented. What were they thinking? And pointed? (And what's with the tiny waists to go with pointed breasts? Corsets deformed a woman's ribcage. That can't be natural or comfortable. Torture like bras.)

Since bras have been invented, and they've worn universally by American women, the rise in breast cancer has become epidemic. Breast feeding, the natural purpose of the breast has been gradually decreasing over the last 50 or 60 years.

When are modern American women going to stop putting looks ahead of common sense and their own health? The fashion emphasis on having large breasts has increased in the 1990's to the ridiculous practice of artificially enhancing them (thus making a woman into a plastic doll?)

And what the hell is a training bra? Do they train the girls to wear bras? Or do they train the breasts the stay under control?

I don't understand men that don't prefer a natural set of breasts that feel real (not to mention feel good) to a pair that look good in a bathing suit or a wet T-shirt. I should think women who look good naked are preferable to women who look better dressed up.

And by the way, when did looks become the test for quality and worth in people instead of integrity, kindness, and ability to give and receive love? (Not to mention common sense.)

I think the people that invented the bra should've been shot. Metaphorically of course. Bras are perhaps the most uncomfortable pieces of clothing except for certain types of shoes. Bras are a modern form of torture.

Bras make people breathe wrong. People are supposed to expand when they breathe not squeeze their rib cages in. It's unhealthy to breathe "backwards" for very long. Personally I would prefer not to restrict the flow of enough oxygen to the brain.

Think about it. How many women rush home from work and tear off their clothes first thing to put on something comfortable? They are instinctively trying to breathe again. It's to escape from the torture of the bra.

Personally, since I am retired and don't care about sticking out my boobs to impress people anymore, I prefer undershirts. They're warmer in the winter and cooler in the summer.

I sometimes wear sports bras but have a struggle getting into them. I found that stepping into them and pulling them up is way easier than pulling them over my head and trying to slide them down. (Try it.) The only other difficulty with sports bras is that they get rid of cleavage. They squish the breast together in such a way that has created a new word: "uniboob."

I will barely mention high heeled shoes and the craziness of the people that invented them. I understand that men wore them back in the 1700's when they strolled around like peacocks. (Only the rich guys since the peasants were lucky if they even had shoes.)

I wore heels for years, even to work in. My feet were used to them, even walking around on cement floors at the LVMPD Records Bureau where it often felt I was walking my feet into nubs. I assume at a certain point my feet went numb. In fact, there were days I worked the busy counter when my feet hurt all the way up to my knees. When they begin to hurt up to my shoulders, I had to quit that job.

But I knew when it was time to give up high heels. And pantyhose. Another form of torture. Heck, I am old enough to remember times before they were invented. Pantyhose, as uncomfortable as they are, are better than garter belts and stocking with seams. (Yeah, I'm that old. It was very distracting to try to keep the seams straight!)

I wear socks now, yes, even to church. I have some pretty red ones for Valentine's Day. And thick fuzzy ones for winter. And comfortable shoes.

Okay. What about short skirts & dresses? They were a marvel when I was a teenager and a cocktail waitress and didn't really have to do anything but be pretty. (Hey, I worked in a upscale night club and was married. So not THAT kind of cocktail waitress.)

Since pants are in style now all over the world, I can't even see a need for dresses anymore unless it's something formal like a wedding--your own. I have a few formal and casual dresses with hemlines down to my ankles, but rarely wear them. Mostly I wear them in the summer because they are uncomfortable in the winter with cold air blowing up the bottom. (Their bottom and mine.)

Days are over when I need to show off my legs. They were fantastic but I don't need to get high on being judged on my fantastic looks anymore.

I'm a great person, even in sports bras and socks.

Leap Year The Movie -- Did They Do "It"? I say YES

2011-01-02T16:17:00.001-07:00

Leap Year. Yes or No? YES. My reasons for thinking they did have sex/make love are below. (These are not in chronological order according to the events in the movie. I wrote them down as I thought of them.

1. He’s a guy and she’s an American. And this was in 2010 not 1910.
2. I ask myself what I would do if I were 20-something.
3. What did the characters say that also meant something else?
4. Numerous facial expressions throughout that say something else than what is actually said.
5. What he said when he came into the room to tell her he would drive her to Dublin. Highly suggestive and foreshadowing? "Come on. Let's do it. But only because you're desperate."6.
6. Declan telling the legend about the castle. What was that all about?
7. Why did Declan say "no peeking?" He wanted her to peek. After all, he peeked at her. It's like saying:(Try not to think about an elephant,right?)
8. Anna bumped into the door when leaving the room. She was looking back at him...dazzled by the sight of him with a towel around his waist. Naked muscles.
9. Frank saying at dinner: “You’re young, married, in love, anyone can see that.”
10. Them “faking” a kiss at the dining table and their reaction to it. Definately a serious communication that surprised them both.(Did you notice Anna how leaned into the kiss? He break it off. They looked into each others eyes and then went back to the charade. Immediately serious and embarrased. That was a real kiss. If you ask me that sealed their fate.
11. What do the words "chancers" and "cheats" refer to, used more than once?(see below.) Was he possibly thinking Anna was similar to Kaleigh. He was probably reluctant to be the one to make the first real move because he'd got burned once with Kaleigh.
12. Watch for the recurring elements that were used to indicate things from earlier scenes relating to what happened later. Also numerous facial or verbal expressions. i.e.: "You know I don't like surprises" and then "You just surprised me. You keep doing that." He told her to "shut up" when he was feeling bad, then when they were driving off at the end, she told him to "shut up" in a humerous way.
13. Declan's facial expressions after Anna says: “Fine, if it’s all about money to you, 675 Euros it is.” Was it? He frowned and thought it over. If he made it all about money, he wouldn't be able to make it about something else, would he? I don't think he wanted to be in bed with a girl and asking for money.
14. They looked at each other when they were both "secretly" turned on and quickly turned away. They were attracted, I surmise, not just in a state of lust. And do you think that was the end of it? The scene ended so we don't know for sure what happened after that, do we? Of course they made love.
15. Back to the time they were in the bed and breakfast deciding who'd sleep in the bed. Declan wanted to win that coin toss either way--heads or tails. He wanted to be in that bed with her regardless. Later in the hotel they were "saying" so much more than they really said. The tone of their voices was intimate. He said asking for the one bob in hushed tones after he glanced around to make sure no one was listening, "The one we flipped for the bed." (Why did she say "Liar" when she gave him the coin? What was she referring to? Maybe the fact of him getting into the bed regardless.
16. When he woke up in the morning and gently removed his hand from her shoulder, he looked at her and gave the tiniest of smiles. Don't miss it. He also looked not just at her face to make sure she was still asleep, but like he felt sure of her or what they had expressed in the night.
17. She has this look on her face when she wakes up. Did she look sort of thoughtful? Like feeling guilty maybe. Or knowing she was in love with him and what was she going to do now--it didn't fit into her plans.
18. When they were downstairs again and Anna was on the phone, Declan brings her breakfast he made for her as if it were a gift, a way to show his joy towards her. His tender enthusiasm turns to disappointment when he hears her on the phone with Jeremy. (Also, offering food is a symbol of offering love.)
19. I think Declan’s expression when Frank asks, “Did you sleep well, lovebirds” and winks. Did Frank perhaps hear something? Declan realized Frank knew. Declan didn't even answer him just turns away keeping his face devoid of expression.
20. Declan continually referring to diddly-eye...meaning “foolish” in Irish slang, implying she was "dancing" her way through life as a shallow person? Didn't he sound a little bitter about diddly-eye a couple of times he said it?
21. The whole thing at the bus station, facial expressions and what is said and not said. Affection, attachment? She saw he was disappointed she left on the bus, or he thinks so, and being happy when he realized she didn't. At that time she knew he cared for her and she was pleased.
22. The look on his face in the bus (contemplation)and him being comfortable with her head on his shoulder.
23. Declan gradually sharing his feelings from the beginning of the movie to the end. By the time they were on the bridge he was opening up to her. It intimate to share your deep feelings with someone. Bonding. But they were also holding back, wary of taking their feelings to the next level.
24. Declan’s tone of voice softening up throughout the movie. He revealed his sensitivity or whatever it's called. In real life men don't do that. Why is it the man I want doesn't exist?
25. Him saying, “You never let your hair down, woman,” and the look that went with it. He was teasing, but did he know she did let her hair down? Watch his face and eyes.
26. His reaction to her agreeing to dance at the wedding and the way he watched her dance. He looked happy instead in misery (about his broken heart over Kaliegh.)
27. On the beach after the wedding. Body language. She leaned against him several times torso to torso connecting. She looked comfortable doing that.
28. When she puked on his shoes and he mutters, “Now that’s romantic.” Having had sex the night before he felt it was romantic not just a free fuck.
29. The way they continually held back from declaring their feelings for each other. Waiting for a sign that the other really took it all seriously. It was obvious they were falling in love but each had a reason they didn't want to make it real by bringing out in the open.
30. One of the biggest plot tricks in romance writing and cinematography -- skipping ahead in the narrative/scene to further developments without actually showing them, i.e. leaving things entirely to the imagination. It my opinion that after the scene cuts to darkness, it was not the end of the action.
31. Matthew Goode’s remarks about it in one interview regarding his daughter being able to see the movie when she's older i.e., that there was nothing sexual, at least not on the screen. He obviously thought sex was implied off camera. Why else was the movie nearly given a PG-13 instead of PG? (Later I listed to his interview and that part had been cut.
32. Typical romance genre formula, sex is a given, even if it's not shown or mentioned. One romance writer said in an article: Some romance writers like to write the sexy love scenes in detail. Other others like to let their characters make love on the blank space between chapter." I paraphrase. (What do I know? I never finished writing my romance book.)
33. When Declan says, “I thought me and Kaleigh were mad for each other," and then added “Apparently not,” and the questioning look he gives Anna. This is my favorite scene, melted my heart. I think he was trying to ask her if it was the same way with her.
34. Asking for only “the one bob.” What did "bob" come to mean? Watch all the facial facial expressions and body language when they talked in the hotel lobby.
35. Jeremy asks if Anna "tipped" Declan and Declan says, “She paid me.” Related to what he said at the end, “It’s going to cost you,” What did she "pay" him with.
36. Oh. Anna was obviously flustered when Jeremy asks Declan “Did she take care of you?” Then Anna if she tipped Declan. Why was she so flustered? This scene makes absolutely no sense unless the answer to this subject is "yes." When Declan says, "She paid me," is he talking about money? And when Declan tells her at the end "It'll cost you," I don't think he meant money since money/payment mean something else to them. And why is he still calling her “bob” when they go on the honeymoon. Did "bob" come to mean something else to them? This is a very subtle word-play.
37. After she accepts his proposal, they kiss; dos that look like a first kiss?!?
38. Would they really get engaged on the basis of only one faked kiss?

Here's another interesting item...regarding symbols in the movie... Declan is always eating apples. The symbols for an apple is, of course, forbidden fruit as well as love, beauty, youth and happiness, according to the internet. It's interesting that he keeps biting into apples and tossing them away half finished. After the disappointment about the breakfast he'd made for Anna, he grabs up another apple. When he tosses the apple half eaten into the trash can, what do you think that means? Think about it.
_________________________________________________________
Definition of CHANCER British: a scheming opportunist
1. a two-faced chancer, he doesn't hesitate to dump people when they are no longer of any use; 2. betrayed by a chancer who, he mistakenly thought, was his friend

Definition of CHEAT: 1. to deprive of something valuable by the use of deceit or fraud, 2. to influence or lead by deceit, trick, or artifice

Do you think Declan was trying to determine if Anna was a chancer or cheat? Why would he even want to find that out? Based on what?

So let me know if anyone reads this and what you think about it.

When Weather Attacks

2011-01-01T07:42:00.000-07:00

I feel so beat-up by the weather in 2010.

First that hail storm in October. I have NEVER seen a hail storm that bad in my entire life. The sound was horrid, scared the grandkids, like artillery hitting the house. Shattering of the skylights.

This led to another horrid experience, the roofing job. The insurance company promised to pay for the whole thing less my deductible. Fine. I was in charge of hiring the roofer. I picked Otero and Sons. In short, it was 6 weeks of very unpleasant experiences. I do not recommend hiring them. (I don't think they can sue me for being honest. I was not happy with my contact with them and the roof, something I will have to live with the rest of my life (in this house, assuming my kids won't send me to a nursing home when I get feeble.)

Now it's the snow. I bought a Ford Focus, not thinking ahead to snowfall in the mountains. As a matter of fact, I assumed that my family members and various service providers would have 4-wheel drive, so I'd be okay. The whole time I lived in the mountains I didn't need or use 4-wheel drive except on rare occasions. Front-wheel drive got me through. I most remember the time I drove to work down Sedillo Hill in neutral, the traffic was that slow.

Nor did I use air-conditioning until a few years ago--which included living in Las Vegas NV 16 years in the heat. I got used to desert living.

I am no longer used to snow. It strikes me with fear and loathing.

I have hired a snow plower and will undoubtedly hire him again and again for as long as it takes to get out of here alive.

Christmas week it was warm, light coats and pleasant sunshine...in the upper 40's and lower 50's in Albuquerque. Lows in the mountains about freezing. Wonderful winter weather, if you ask me.

Then the temps dropped below zero at night, warming up to 10 degrees during the days. Our water pipes froze. No water. Turned it back on when it melted and the pressure tank went up to 120 before we cut it back off. So still no water. Paid a small fortune to have an electrical fix it in the fall. Now what?!

I love Mother Nature. But I hate some of Her little gifts.

I certainly hope I do not have to add anymore disasters to this blog.

Grief and Me, BFF?

2010-12-28T11:30:00.000-07:00

Hell, I was sitting here this morning in my robe on the computer--writing and playing games. And I was feeling "guilty" about it.

I judge myself for doing what I feel like doing. I always feel like I'm doing "something wrong."

Then I realized I was waiting for Ed to come home and approve of me so everything will be okay again.

He's not coming home anymore.

I wish I could go back to that moment in the hospital when he took his last breath, and yank him back.

I didn't mean to let him go.

Leap Year the movie

2010-12-27T16:14:00.000-07:00

I have fallen in love with a movie and a movie character. Of course I love Amy Adams. I have been watching her movies so much lately I feel as if she's my new best friend. My BFF? She's always good. I love her acting. However, I am talking about her co-star "Declan O'Callaghan."

I admit I am a bit obsessive compulsive but the movie I am fascinated with is Leap Year. You might say I am addicted to it since I watched it on HBO every time it was on, then bought the DVD and have been watching it ever since. I'm getting' my money's worth out of that DVD, diddly-eye.

I have never seen Matthew Goode in a movie before this one. Never even heard of him. (In fact, when I saw this movie in the theater it didn't really impress me. Where was I? DUH.) But what I am sure of now is that his acting is absolutely amazing. I am just blow away by his portrayal of Declan O'Callaghan in Leap Year. (I joined NetFlix so I can see all his other movies.)

What makes it even more amazing is that Matthew Goode is completely submerged in the character he creates. Declan is scruffy, quiet, distant and then open with his feelings. Plus those expressive eyes and looks, and the facial expressions!?! OMG. There is just no Matthew Goode showing through the role. Declan is a real and unique person.

I assumed Goode was like other actors--playing a role and bringing a good deal of himself into it. But the character in the movie is absolutely not Matthew Goode! Now that I have seen interviews of Matthew Goode online, seeing how he looks,how he sounds, I simply cannot even imagine that Matthew Goode is underneath the guy that's Declan O'Callaghan. Goode is a master and a genius at creating a film persona. He loses himself and becomes the role. If he keeps it up and they give him some good scripts, he might just be one of the best actors ever.

It's not just good acting, it's a conjuring trick, a feat of magic. I have rarely if ever seen such a thing. For instance, I used to love Gerry Butler movies. I didn't fall in-love with his characters, I fell in love with him. In all his pictures I could still see the actor under the costume and underneath/within the role. In fact, I think he often just pays himself with a different name. Even as different as he was in 300, I still knew it was Gerry. Even when he does Irish, British or American accents instead of using his lovely Scots accent, he is still and actor in a role.

This is so not true with Matthew and Declan. Matthew is in a class by himself. A magnificent actor. I am so going to join Netflix so I can see all his movies. (I assume he is a fabulous actor in all of them.) And he's a cutie. Especially those big blue eyes.

It's still amazing for me to see Leap Year and read all the meanings I find in it (whether they are there or not or it's just me, I don't know. I'm a Gemini. We see meaning in everything even when it's not there.) I think it's absurd that critics criticized Leap Year. What the heck? The fans love it and it has developed a new following from the DVD than there was for the original movie. People are still talking and writing about it. And of course, like me, watching it again and again.

One of the things I like about the movie is technique employed similar to that used in The Sixth Sense: skipping from scene to scene obviously leaving things to the imagination as a way to advance the plot and create some mystery into the story. For example the first time I saw Leap Year on HBO, I assumed, along with other viewers,that Declan and Anna slept in the same bed in the B & B and avoided temptation. That's how it appears.

Later, it dawned on me that they DID do it, and the whole movie became much more understandable. I have written a list of 38 hintsin the movie that prove Declan and Anna, OF COURSE, made love at the B & B. I put these in a more recent blog entry. (Please send comments...even if you want to argue about it.)

Everything after that point in the movie make a huge amount of sense. Look at the eyes, the looks, and the dialog, and you'll see what I mean. (One big reason is that he's a guy. He's a guy. Duh. And she's an American girl. And he wanted to win the coin toss so that he could have the bed, and she would have to get into bed with him. And listen to the words of the song. There are numerous clues, before and after the "event."

Other things in the movie that have double meaning: At the castle, was he or wasn't he hitting on her? He was telling a legend about the original couple that came to that castle and finally consummated their love after a time of not wanting to two-time the man she was betrothed to. I think Declan was admitting how he didn't want to betray the other man in Anna's life, and how much he valued love and the consummating of it.

He also revealed his values and integrity when he said in the garden, "A father is someone you can rely on."

The story might be formula romance (like in the romance novel genre.) Except this story has a few switcheroos. In a romance it is usually the girl that takes sexual relations seriously and feels sad that the guy doesn't. In this story it's Declan that takes the love making seriously and was hurt that Anna didn't seem to take it as seriously.

Remember the scene in Dublin on the bridge? Declan was talking about his feelings (do guys only do this in romance novels and movies?) When he said, "I thought me and Kaleigh were mad for each other." Then he turns to Anna and says, "Apparently not." His face, eyes and demeanor are really saying, "I thought our love making at the B & B meant something. Did it mean anything to you?" He held himself back from speaking his mind frankly to her until he saw she was open to a relationship.

It wasn't his male ego that was hurt, it was his heart that was wounded, maybe his whole life. He didn't want Anna to "fix" him, he just wanted a sign from her that she was becoming a real person, willing to really value things in life like he did, seek true love instead of just romance, willing to be seek something other than material riches.

Diddly-eye ( i.e., dance your way along in life in foolishness? No one is sure what this means. It could be a reference about her way of making plans and being in control of things. In several instances he seems to mean that.) I believe he wanted a sign from her that she was something beyond shallow. He was waiting for an indication from her that she was willing to become sincere, genuine and caring. If she didn't show that, he didn't really want her. That's one reason he walked away when Jeremy proposed to her. She appeared to be still attracted to that big ring and a life of security with a man that she didn't love. Materialistic and a high society life style. He probably felt he couldn't offer her that type of life and wealth.

Read his facial expressions. Remember the scene when Declan's patrons/friends toss in extra money to save the pub from repossession? Declan puts his head down and give a half smile and shakes his head. This, to me, indicates that he was pleased and surprised to see people loved him and he's getting something he wants and needs. (His self-esteem might have been damaged when Kaleigh left him?) So when Anna is speaking to him in the pub near the last scene, and he lowers his head, gives that half smile, and shakes his head, it means the same. Not, "no, I don't want you" or "No, it's too little too late." It means, "I don't believe this. She loves me and I'm getting what I want." When she came back to him with a new appreciation of what life in Ireland with him, it was the sign he had been waiting for that she was ready to be a real person and live a life other than diddly-eyeing. He could then take strong positive action and move forward confidently.

The story is told in the facial expressions. And the key to the story is the recurring themes. The screenplay is great, the acting and direction are great.
Formula romance is pure fantasy, but Leap Year, while fun and funny, has serious,complex, and touching aspects that goes way beyond typical romance. It's a shame that romantic comedy isn't taken very seriously by critics and many viewers (they won't even look at them, dismiss them as "chick flicks." But Leap Year is a good movie not just a good chick flick romantic comedy. The caliber of Amy Adams and Matthew Goode lift this movie way beyond where it could have gone with two other actors.

Oh, another thing I like about this movie, it keeps changing or I notice more every time I see it. I noticed that Anna was the one approaching Declan. I am sure he thought she was a control-freak and was avoiding that. But she leaned into the kiss at the dinner table. She was the one approaching him to talk about personal things like on the bridge asking him about "chancers & cheaters." She was the one that stood in his face and pushed her body up against him on the beach at the wedding and told him what a lovely, lovely lion he was and tried to kiss him (even tho she was drink and puked. She was the one moving towards him and not being "sincere" about it. He was the one disappointed and waiting for her to grow up and wake up and admit she wanted him. So she came back to Ireland and "proposed" to him. It is the reverse of a typical romance where the guy is taking the girl for granted, coming on to her yet keeping his distance and the girl is the one who wants a more serious relationship and is hurting until it unfolds. In this switcheroo it's the guy in that role. Hmmm, clever.

In other words, Leap Year is worth seeing. Do it! And now that I have studied the movie to death, it's time to write my own romance novel. I have to do that while I am single because I plan on getting a new true love one of these days even if he's an old geeZER.

I have found a couple of downsides to watching good romantic comedies: You fall in love with a guy young enough to be your son, and find out again that the man you want doesn't really exist. (SIGH)

Okay, I gotta stop writing for tonight and watch a little Leap Year before bedtime. Declan is whispering in my ear, "Dream a little dream of me..."

Is it Normal Grief or Depression?: Beneficial Artical

2010-11-30T11:00:00.000-07:00

Is it Normal Grief or Depression?: How to Decide If You Are Grieving or Depressed

Grief and Depression from my perspective

2010-11-30T10:17:00.000-07:00

I keep trying to explain to people (well, a few of them) the difference between grief and depression. I AM experiencing grief because my husband died June 6, 2009, and the heart revisits other losses and the grief they brought (especially if it was not fully felt.)

But depression is different. A lot of people have theories as to what depression is and what to do about it.

The point I would like to make is that real clinical depression and Bipolar depression are a physiological disorder and have to do with brain chemistry or brain processing things like (and I am not a professional here) electrical synapses or neurotransmitters.

I would prefer to have NO comments about this, since understanding or learning ABOUT or hearing what people's helpful comments are as to what depression it, doesn't HELP. In fact, comments from people as to what they think it is are really not supportive at all.

Knowing about depression is not the same as knowing depression.

Here is the difference from my experiential perspective.

Grief is centered in the heart. When a bout of grief hits me, my heart aches (it is real pain) and I cry and feel it intensely. When I feel my grief and express it (mostly with crying and/or body language, whatever) the feeling is one of release and healing. When the bout is over (until the next time it strikes) I feel relief and certain healing, a wellness of being, a love of life, and hope or even eagerness for the future. It's like drawing closer to the light at the end of the tunnel and I see the light growing bigger and brighter. It has a spiritual context for Light, too, but that is not important in this blog entry here.

However, depression is centered in the head. It's a thing of thoughts. It's a psychic experience (not the ESP meaning of psychic.) I experience it like I have a hamster wheel in my brain and I run around and around looking for a comforting though. And can't find one. Like running down a long hall way and trying to find a room to go into to feel safe, but all the doors are locked. That kind of feeling. The sadness is not related to circumstances or situations, it's just that everything appears to be unbearably sad no matter what it is -- things that a little while ago were okay, acceptable, manageable, maybe joyful even.

Crying with depression makes the experience worse and worse until the pain brings on despair. When grief hits, the expression of it occurs and it's alleviated and bearable.

But expressing depression doesn't feel healing, it is not alleviated. The "end" of feeling depression is a state of numbness when I don't feel anything at all.

Expressing and feeling grief turns me back on to life, experiencing depression removes me from life.

So, this is my opinion. Keep in mind arguing about this won't make anyone feel better. I don't need opinions. If you want to comment, send some love to me..

Please go to the link published on my blog above for a good entry on grief vs. depression. Thanks.

Sherlock

2010-11-02T21:38:00.000-06:00

New series on PBS: Sherlock (a 21st century "consulting detective") starring Benedict Cumberbatch and Martin Freeman as Dr. John Watson. EXCELLENT. WONDERFUL. FABULOUS.

I loved the "old" Sherlock, too. But this show is phenomenal.

Cumberbatch is good, fascinating, and strikingly handsome in an exotic way (love that curly hair and blue blue eyes) but Martin Freeman is funny, cute, and a wonderful actor and I adore his Dr. Watson struggling to maintain equilibrium while following along on the radical adventures of the young Sherlock Holmes.

Watch it. It's good.

MORE MORE MORE ! We want more ! Tell BBC and PBS!!!

NaNoWriMo

2010-10-26T16:16:00.000-06:00

I am taking the challenge. National Novel Writing Month. Check out the website. I am going to write a novel in November. I have to come up with an idea, stick with it and type my fingers to the bone. (I hope some characters contact me in my dreams before Nov. 1 and give me the plot they want. Heck, the genre, too.) Wish me luck!

Assignment for Unity Basics Class

2010-10-20T09:03:00.000-06:00

RE: Early Beliefs Systems

I don’t feel I have any old religious beliefs from my childhood, especially ones that are holding me back. I used to think Moses really parted the Red Sea and that Transcendentalism was cool in high school but I didn’t think there were any Transcendentalism churches. (Back east was very traditional in the 50’s and early 60’s. All there was was Christians, Jews, and, I suppose, atheists.)

I joined the local community church because it was closest to home. Luckily, I had an open-minded Sunday school teacher in high school who had us reading the Bible and participating in discussions where we could explore and express our opinions and beliefs. I also liked Catholicism because of the ritual and feminine aspect (Mother of God) and attended that church occasionally—though it was a longer walk.

I realized in college that studying history was basically studying religion because the political history of the world is basically religious history. I got hooked. Eventually I studied a little bit of a lot of religions in the 60’s and 70’s including Zen. I was what they now refer to as a “seeker” (as well as a hippie, a drunk, and a pot-head among other vices.)

I have worked on one 12-Step program after another since the late 1970’s. As a result got rid of my old ideas and started on the path of “change your mind, change your life.”

I found Science of Mind in Las Vegas NV (of all places, sin city!) and stayed with that the longest. I took some of the classes more than once and went through half of Practitioner II training. I met the true love of my life at Rel.Sci. church in Las Vegas and spent 22 wonderful years married to him. I also got into A Course in Miracles off and on for more than 20 years.

After I quit working at age 55, I got my BS, MS and PhD in Metaphysics from the American Institute of Holistic Theology. That and $2.95 will get me a cup of coffee. Since then I’ve written and published a couple of books. (flash fiction humor and and poetry.)

I’ve recently gone back to 12-Step meetings because I was having a hard time with my grief after my husband died in June 2009. I did grief work and I’m learning to lead an individual life and still growing as a person.

I have developed to the point I am no longer “seeking” and no longer motivated to keep learning as fervently as I once did (my head is full.) But I hope I keep learning from life and from others and expanding my consciousness, knowledge and capabilities for the rest of my life. That includes continuously working Step 11: Seek through prayer and meditation to improve my conscious contact with God (as I understand God,) praying only for knowledge of God’s will for me and the power to carry it out. In addition I want to learn to give more, love more, practice the spiritual principles I have/will learn, and to enjoy life.

I started attending Unity church because it was closest to my home in the mountains. And I find now that it is closest to the religious experience I wish to have and because Sunday services at Albuquerque Unity are fun!

SandyJoy Schairer Oct. 20, 2010

Photo of me at new friends' house in San Jose

2010-05-31T12:44:00.000-06:00

Photo by my daughter in law Nicole

After SisterSpirit Hearts on Fire Retreat May 2010

2010-05-30T10:05:00.001-06:00

New poem:

I used to be sad
Now I'm not
I was closed
Now I'm open,
I was bound
Boundless now
Joyful, alive & free.

I used to be a stranger
Now I'm definitely ME,
I put away my old role
To loosen up my soul,
Have a brand new role now
Authenticity.

I used to be asleep
Now I'm wide awake
I live to give
And give to live
With a GREAT BIG JUICY LIFE!

Joy S Schairer
Thanks to Future Rev. Mrs. Abigail, the Dream Team, and all the wonderful new friends at SisterSpirit

Poem by Sandy Schairer Jan. 30, 2010

2010-02-02T15:29:00.000-07:00

Poem Sandy Schairer

Yes
They cow did jump over the moon
They told me so when I was four
However
What's more
They never told me about
The Korean War

I was 5
I could have been trusted with
that information

I'm still alive, by the way
Lived through VietNam Era:
Stoned, afraid, alone

No no Not alone
I had 2 kids, 2 parents, 4 grandparents,
and a lover Bobby
And Allen and Jay and Rod
And whatever that guy's name
In the next apartment was
Not necessarily in that order

I danced back then
On self-medication
Alcoholic Beverage

I danced again 40 years later!
SOBER
It was FINE

I love myself now
And I'm recovering from...from...???
All of it!
I give myself permission
Always and forever.

End

Happy New Year

2010-01-01T14:08:00.000-07:00

BAH HUMBUG

Blogs may express sentiments that are out of date

2009-12-28T15:12:00.000-07:00

Here is where I stand now on the opposite-sex friendships. They are not as impossible as I once thought they were. From my hand written journal see below:

_________________________________________

" My male-friend and I seem to have an enthusiasm for exploring human nature and willingness to do that together or at the same time. It’s not predictable or “standard” but it’s good just like it is. Real with real ups and downs.

“Good for us! We’re doing well.

“IT’S GOING TO BE OKAY. EVERYTHING IS [ALWAYS] OKAY.

“By joining our paths for awhile we will grow in confidence and capability and be stronger, more alive people, able to go on as individuals and perhaps have future partners afterward more completely and easily.

“I really, really want to have a learning relationship that is based on two strong individuals− no dependency or ownership, no serious jealousy and no judging or condemning the way each of us is. Just acceptance and a willingness to try.

“I need to become a complete whole person and individual in myself and I think the right type of non-committed, loving friendship with freedom to give and freedom to be free would help me become a “grown-up,” stable woman who could accept a man just the way he really is.

“I just can’t get over how much my communication is helping me understand myself! Wow.

“With a friend so sweet, open and honest, I can’t help loving him.

“Later: I think an active and even difficult learning experience within a mysterious, unpredictable relationship − especially an intense one in many areas − is a great opportunity in life.

Even later: “I think what I want to learn eventually is how to share love on an emotional basis as honestly and direct as I can be − not just going through the motions but intimacy and caring and giving and receiving with awareness and openness.” [Without hiding or retreating, or overwhelmed with fear, I mean.]

“It would be so good to have that kind of loving experience in this lifetime before it’s over.

"I want a close friendship with affection but not be ‘a couple,’ not to go places as ‘a unit.’ I want my freedom, my friends and my separate life, activities, decisions and my own home, my own stuff, and my privacy.

But I do want to give this strange 'educational' relationship a chance to develop. So wish us some luck."
_______________________

Nothing happens by accident. We draw people into our lives for a reason. And everything works out for the best if we acknowledge the guidance of Spirit in everything that happens. Nothing happens in the long-run, except by God's Will.

More on Friendships

2009-12-25T12:07:00.000-07:00

I find it impossible or maybe just horribly painful, to try to maintain a friendship with a person that you really love. You force yourself to accept crumbs off the table, in hopes you'll get invited to the grand banquet sooner or later.

A great deal of the ups and downs in relationships are created by your own mind. You feel happy when the person wants to hear from you and greets you warmly, may even seek out your attention. You feel miserable thinking that you are perhaps wasting your time on something that is no more than a wish or an illusion.

There is the uncomfortable feeling that you'd like to have more relating to a more satisfying degree. Like wanting to see someone on a certain day but afraid that if you let your happiness hinge on that fleeting possibility, the other person will shy away from that. Big question--do you even have a right to expect more?

It's nearly impossible to not want what you want.

Too controlling? Too needy? Too, too.

Whatever.

I want to enjoy my close friendship with a certain person, and I want to be satisfied, or rather happy, with what I do receive. But am I selling myself short? Could I take that same time to get to know someone else with whom the chances of a romance and love affair are better than 5 or 10%? Should anything but 100% be worth it to me? Is that merely my7 old "either/or" thinking? Is sticking by a close friend in hopes they will someday feel they want to be with you in equal intensity that you crave, harmful to your feelings and your life?

I just don't know. I just know that some days I am elated and happy, and other days I am very down and crying for wanting that special someone. Would another person even fill my needs when I have strong feelings for someone who doesn't return the attraction/affection?

I wish I could find out without having to find out, if you know what I mean.

Is a lifetime (what's left of it) with a particular loved-one preferable to chasing after relationship after relationship and coming up with something really different than you would like it to turn out>

I just don't know. I guess I should take my own advice and not try to be genuine friends with a member of the opposite sex. Maybe it's perfect like it is, and I have to learn to live with what comes my way, rather than forcing my will on the issue and probably ruining the remote chances of a relationship that my heart would prefer.

If this makes no sense, think how I feel living it.

To borrow a concept/saying: Is a few crumbs in the hand worth more than a possibility of a future meal at the dining room table?

Help.

Blog "Articles"

2009-12-05T12:01:00.000-07:00

My blog articles are meant to be entertainment and not advice. I am speaking of my latest emotional, mental and spiritual challenges, and I do like to encourage others to journal in private for your eyes only and send the essence of your received inspiration and guidance to a blog of your own.

Comments appreciated!!!

And please consider buying my poetry book for yourself or a friend for holiday gift giving.

I just decided to go communicate with live people today, so I'm off the internet. Toodles.
Love and Light, Sandy "Joy"

Opposite-Sex Friendships--What do you think?

2009-12-04T01:26:00.000-07:00

I don't believe that men and women can be just friends (for very long.)

Unless one of them is gay.

Or if they have no emotions, their minds are hearts are detached or they only want a f**k buddy. (That is like lighting matches and seeing how long you can hold one until it burns you.)You either make a move for a more solid relationship or get burned which is more likely. Both are a form of gambling.

First off, men don't understand how women communicate. And they can't interpret what a woman means either verbally or with body-language. Very few men can pick up on emotions, vibes or signals...unless they are emotion/energy vampires. Most people are terrified of commitment and being open emotionally, especially men, but quite a few women. Then again, when people have lived a long time and are familiar with both good relationships and also what it's like to be rejected a number of times, they tend to weigh the odds and opt out of taking a chance more often than not. Not worth the gamble with their hearts. Too painful. On the other hand, if they say they do want emotional intimacy, they just find some other excuse to keep their distance.

Secondly, sexual tension usually drives one of the opposite-sex-just-friends crazy and they tend to run away as fast as they can (or succumb to the temptation and make a mess of things.) Maybe it will eventually develop it into an affair, or a romance, or even a marriage. On the other hand it could result in a broken-heart. (Or a sad opinion of yourself as judged by someone who has refused your romantic attentions. My advice it keep it light-hearted until you know which way it's going.) The other way, i.e. forcing the issue too soon is like diving off a cliff, sometimes you land in the water, but more likely you will land on the rocks. Ouch.)

Perhaps the whole issue calls for some serious prayer time.

Actually if you read clues you can see what's coming. People have intuition, especially women. If it doesn't feel good or it's a little off, it's probably a mistake. Sticking out a friendship that isn't working is still a gamble but it can be like a drug or a game or contest -- sometimes you win but not often. And people bring their pasts and their baggage with them...they get into faulting each other based on what someone else might have done to them.

I guess opposite-sex friendships are doomed in the long run.

I am so glad I had the wonderful loving relationship with my late husband for the whole 22 years I knew him. And glad we were able to become friends after we were older, had been married for a long time (when he started going deaf, was worn out from working too hard and trying to make ends meet, and our love life was put on hold due to illnesses. Then he died. Without friendship we would have been miserable. We had a good foundation of unconditional, spiritual, love. Thank you, God. It was wonderful--just 22 years seems too short a time in a long life to be in love.)

As far as men of an older age, shall we say, that aren't interested in recruiting lovers among women their own age, "You have no idea what you are missing. Don't be so stupid. What are you waiting for, someone to throw the dirt over your coffin? Sorry, that'll be too late."

In fact, unless you men have the body of a Greek God and a wonderful, well-adjusted psyche, don't even think that women who aren't still 20 years old, and no longer pretty & shapely, aren't good enough for you. Maybe an older woman can offer more in the quality of a deep and equal relationship than a girl who's got the looks. Besides, how do you think the girls are gonna look 30 or 40 years from now? How will you look by then?

Does anybody, man or woman, want to be judged by looks? It's unkind. It could make us so self-conscious we'd all be incapable, if you know what I mean. Look around. There are very few movie-star beautiful people wandering around in reality.

The body is just a vehicle for the person: the heart, mind and soul. Why does it matter so much to you to have a perfect body? It's a useful tool to communicate with and touch the beauty in every person and experience. Use it or loose it.

Some guys are like dogs that chase cars. What would a chihuahua do with a Lexus if it caught one? Ha. Contrary to popular American thinking, women are not over the hill when they hit age 49. Like, if a guy has a pot-belly, where does he get off criticizing me for having one?

I HATE the double standard. Heck, I thought we handled all this back in 1965 or 1970--when was the sexual revolution?--forgodsake. And don't pretend it's okay to call a woman friend and tell her about all your young lovers (which we doubt are true anyway, and, hey buddy, it hurts even if we are "just friends." Even tho I believe just friends is a myth. We all want love which is just a glorified form of acceptance. My mentor Wally Minto said that love is allowing a person to be what they are and not what their not. I like that definition. I try to do that. If you want to disprove it, I'll take on your argument. (Add comments below, men and women.) Don't take this personally either, I might not mean YOU you. More like the universal you. All of us.

Disclaimer: This is my opinion as a writer and is, in no way, intended to be based on my own life, nor to reflect negatively on any person alive or dead. And absolutely not meant to be a psychological or scientific article, diagnosis for your problems, nor advice. You're on your own, kids, just like I am. Good luck.

Read my personal comment below. And feel free to send me a comment. Looking forward to it.

From my Friend Heather & Her Website: The Language of Love

2009-12-03T11:32:00.000-07:00

From my friend Heather and her website The Silent Language of Peace

The Golden Key by Emmet Fox at aspaceoflove.com

Intro. to The Golden Key by Emmet Fox

For those who have been listening to The Silent Language of Peace, (you can find it in our Free Downloads too) the following booklet - published in 1931 - will seem familiar, and somewhat similar to the OK Concept by Wally Minto (track 3). But there is an important difference. If you've worked with the OK Concept you'll know how life-changing it is when you stop focusing on anxious, fearful thoughts.

The Golden Key takes this process one step further. It explains the importance of releasing the problem and then turning all of your focus to God. You can do this by practicing the toning-meditation (SLP track 7 ) and focusing on peace, but to go a step further you focus on God, the Universe, Divine Love, Infinite Wisdom...whatever you want to call it - just focus there.

I found this booklet just over a month ago, and I've watched one miracle after another unfold gracefully and easily. I hope you'll enjoy is too! (You can listen, download or read!) Heather

THE GOLDEN KEY
by
Emmet Fox

FOREWARD I have compressed this booklet into six pages. Had it been possible I would have reduced it to six lines. It is not intended to be an instructional treatise, but a practical recipe for getting out of trouble. Study and research are well in their own time and place, but no amount of either will get you out of a concrete difficulty. Nothing but practical work in your own consciousness will do that. The mistake made by most people, when things go wrong, is to skim through book after book, without getting anywhere. Read the Golden Key several times. DO exactly what it says, and if you are persistent enough you will overcome any difficulty. Emmet Fox THE GOLDEN KEY

SCIENTIFIC PRAYER will enable you to get yourself or anyone else, out of any difficulty. It is the golden key to harmony and happiness.

To those who have no acquaintance with the mightiest power in existence, this may appear to be a rash claim, but it needs only a fair trial to prove that, without a shadow of doubt, it is a just one. You need take no one's word for it, and you should not. Simply try it for yourself.

God is omnipotent, and we are God's image and likeness and have dominion over all things. This is the inspired teaching, and it is intended to be taken literally, at its face value. The ability to draw on this power is not the special prerogative of the mystic or the saint, as is so often supposed, or even of the highly trained practitioner. Everyone has this ability Whoever you are, wherever you may be, the golden key to harmony is in your hand now. This is because in scientific prayer it is God who works, and not you, and so your particular limitations or weaknesses are of no account in the process. You are only the channel through which the divine action takes place, and your treatment will be just the getting of yourself out of the way.

Beginners often get startling results the first time, for all that is essential is to have an open mind and sufficient faith to try the experiment. Apart from that, you may hold any views on religion, or none.

As for the actual method of working, like all fundamental things, it is simplicity itself. All you have to do is this: Stop thinking about the difficulty, whatever it is, and think about God instead. This is the complete rule, and if only you will do this, the trouble, whatever it is, will disappear. It makes no difference what kind of trouble it is. It may be a big thing or a little thing: it may concern health, finance, a lawsuit, a quarrel, an accident, or anything else conceivable: but whatever it is, stop thinking about it and think of God instead -- that is all you have to do.

It could not be simpler, could it? God could scarcely have made it simpler, and yet it never fails to work when given a fair trial.

Do not try to form a picture of God, which is impossible. Work by rehearsing anything or everything that you know about God. God is wisdom, truth, inconceivable love. God is present everywhere, has infinite power, knows everything, and so on. It matters not how well you may think you understand these things: go over them repeatedly.

But you must stop thinking of the trouble, whatever it is. The rule is, to think about God. If you are thinking about your difficulty, you are not thinking about God. To be continually glancing over your shoulder in order to see how matters are progressing is fatal, because it is thinking of the trouble, and you must think of God and nothing else. Your object is to drive the thought of the difficulty out of your consciousness, for a few moments at least, substituting for it the thought of God. This is the crux of the whole thing. If you can become so absorbed in this consideration of the spiritual world that you forget for a while about the difficulty, you will find that you are safely and comfortably out of your difficulty -- that your demonstration is made.

In order to "golden key" a troublesome person or a difficult situation, think. "Now I am going to 'golden key' John, or Mary. or that threatened danger": then proceed to drive all thought of John, or Mary, or the danger out of your mind, replacing it with the thought of God.

By working in this way about a person, you are not seeking to influence his conduct in any way, except that you prevent him from injuring or annoying you, and you do him nothing but good. Thereafter, he is certain to be in some degree a better, wiser, and more spiritual person, just because you have "golden keyed" him. A pending lawsuit or other difficulty would probably fade out harmlessly without coming to a crisis, justice being done to all parties concerned.

If you find that you can do this very quickly, you may repeat the operation several times a day with intervals between. Be sure, however, each time you have done it, that you drop all thought of the matter until the next time. This is important. We have said that the golden key is simple, and so it is, but of course it is not always easy to turn. If you are very frightened or worried, at first it may be difficult to get your thoughts away from material things. But by constantly repeating a statement of absolute Truth, such as: There is no power but God: I am the child of God, filled and surrounded by the perfect peace of God: God is love; God is guiding me now; or, perhaps best and simplest of all. God is with me -- however mechanical or trite it may seem -- you will soon find that the treatment has begun to "take." And that your mind is clearing. Do not struggle violently; be quiet, but insistent. Each time you find your attention wandering, switch it back to God.

Do not try to think in advance what the solution to your difficulty will be. This is called "outlining" and will only delay the demonstration. Leave the question of ways and means to God. You want to get out of your difficulty...that is sufficient. You do your half, and God will never fail to do God's.

"Whoever calls on the name of the Lord shall be saved." (Acts 2:21). Updated 11/30/09

Click on Heather's website link at the beginning of this post to hear her read it and see the pictures, and find other helpful information, spiritual support, and benefits of her ministry.

Thanks for reading me and discovering Heather. "Love is the answer, it doesn't matter what the question is." Anon.

Love, Sandy

Mental Health Day Nov 30 -- Find me on Facebook too

2009-12-01T10:43:00.000-07:00

I took the day off Monday from being a human being and running in the human rat race. I sat with my feelings all day and felt my (EMOTIONAL) pain and did no OC behavior to assuage it. (OC: obsessive compulsive.) I didn't drink, drug, overeat, shop, gamble, play with fire (seduce anyone) or call someone to whine. I just sat and felt my feelings. I knew the miserable feelings would pass (or I would eventually. LOL)

My thinking was a bit awful so I ignored it. I get in those self-pity modes and try to switch over to intellect instead of emotional "level." It's hard because my mind keeps commenting on everything (mostly negatively) and making my heart ache more...thoughts and feelings like "nobody loves me anymore," or "nobody calls me." All that stuff that is just not true...well, maybe a little true some days, but mostly it's my ego trying to sabotage me.

AHA. I waited it out; so today I woke up feeling really well...not just good, but well. I admitted "the truth of my emotion level" whatever it involved yesterday, and sat with it, didn't try to fix it or fix myself or ask someone to fix me or fill me up with substitute (or fake?) emotions or other addictive & repetitive behavior. I waited it out.

I feel pretty good now too, about myself and my life. Sane, energetic, and back to being a wonderful being of Light and Love. Thank you, HP (Higher Powers.)

How philosophical.

I have avoided my feelings for long enough, probably 60 some years, when my baby brother was born and destroyed my illusions of being the only baby in the world, the center of the universe and subject of my parent's & grandparents total adoration. I felt the Universe pulled the rug out from under me. And I couldn't handle it. (Sorry Ted, no offense.)

So instead of letting my little heart heal, I went on to break my own heart over and over by gathering evidence both real and fantastical. It amounted to having an inferiority complex and a superiority complex at the same time. DUH. (Well, I am a writer and am nothing if I don't have a highly active imagination. I don't need to use it as a club to beat myself up with, however.)

In reality I am fine, have always been fine and it took me a half a century to begin to love myself. And recognize my tendency to hate myself on behalf of other people. That is sick behavior. That is why I have attended various 12-Step and healing groups over the last 35 or 40 years (don't ever stop growing.) I feel the program is my real roots and the place I can go to be 100% my real self and be unconditionally accepted by non-judgmental people like me. (Growing not flawed.)

I also decided yesterday, "I want to be alone" at the same time I want to be with other people, or maybe one particular person. That's a paradox that I can only handle one day at a time. Yesterday I was unhappy that I wasn't able to spend more time (another hour, day, or even a week or month) in close proximity to a beloved friend. Today, it's OK. He's fine, I'm fine -- exactly like it "should" be. I am enjoying my own company and following my favorite pastime, writing. I can make room for friends and private time and keep growing.

I am snapping out of those "bad" moods quicker than I used to. YAY. And I can begin to love people without having to pressure them or "own" them but more able to wish for their happiness and well-being -- with unconditional and Divine Love. (I've been on that Universal rug (foundation) all along and just couldn't see it. I am so grateful when I do see and feel it. Reality is awesome. I love LIFE.

I do want to have a deep healing so I can offer a possible future partner a whole, loving, stable, kind, mature, confident, independent and spiritual soulmate. Not just to capture someone who's stumbling along like me and using them to lean on, or take on the job of trying to fix them (or make them worse, godforbid) in order to avoid my own growth and enlightenment (and usefulness for that matter.)

I don't feel that the people I most wish to communicate with and also want to unintentionally avoid revealing myself to, are ever going to go out of their way to read my blogs. So if they do, fine. If not, that's okay too. Love ya'all.

I am a Gemini mostly and swing back and forth from passionately experiencing opposite states of being and moods in my head, heart and even soul. I need to work around that, it ain't gonna go away by itself.

A friend recently said he doesn't "trust" people that are always in a good mood. Well, I called him on that since he always appears to be in a cheerful & good mood all the time. (Tho he has emotional struggles, and I am able to not judge him or desire to fix him. Progress!)

I probably come across as cheerful all the time, too, to some people, but I know that is not the real me (or real anyone) anymore than the sad me is all me -- we all experience ups and downs and we're supposed to, I think. Part of living life.

When I got out of my intellectual state of mind and made a half-hearted attempt to express my feelings (albeit in a watered-down, even cryptic way,) my friend laughed at me! It disappointed me, but I understand now. Being secretive instead of frank is manipulative in some ways. (If you are reading this, T, I apologize.)

My inner child is such a spoiled brat!!! Ooh, ooh, ooh. Snatching defeat out of the jaws of success time after time. Time to STOP that.

So, instead of putting this on facebook to a few people that I try to live vicariously through, especially the successful authors like I wish I were,) I am putting my emotional leaps and bounds out here in cyberspace for millions (?) of people to read. Especially the ones like me, friends, and other perfect strangers. (You can fool some of the people some of the time...like Honest Abe said. Kidding.)

It is no good staying aloof for an entire lifetime. I must become open and honest (especially with myself) and stop hiding if I want to survive as an effective and liberated senior citizen. That is called emotional honesty. My new goal.

Thank you to my friends and other strangers who support me in this adventure. (And thanks to those I love and those that love me, you know who you are.)

Amen.
Comments? Email me. See my comment below.

By the way: I asked my grown son one night if he thought I would ever be able to get a "boyfriend" again (now that I'm old and a widow.) And he said, "Why don't you call [a certain person we both know] and ask him out?" I said, "I tried that and he's not interested." I then added, "Besides, he is a little bit crazy." And my son paused and said, "So are you, Mom." I said, "Exactly, that's why we would be good for each other!"

Life as a 3-Ring Circus?

2009-11-23T00:19:00.000-07:00

We spoke about the holidays in my grief support group tonight. It's doing a lot of inner work on me but it is only a short workshop. I have a feeling I need something on-going.

My life is truly a three-ring circus right now. I am dealing with grief, dealing with my own health & life, and getting used to having kids and grandkids living with me.

A big adjustment--not as much money. On retirement. Too old to start a new career?

Heal from loss and grief and/or finding friends and perhaps another relationship? Lots of questions to avoid, I mean, tackle.

I am a writer, a minister or druid, take your pick, and metaphysician with a PhD in Holistic Health.

Unemployed ?...if no one reads your stuff, are you really a writer? If you don't practice your ministry in a "job" is it still ministry? If I am in metaphysics & holistic health life-coach with no coaching clients, am I that?

I am full of love and life and gratitude. And I have no one special person to share it with, to share my life with, and share my love with. It's ironic, the more alive and joyful I feel, the more frustrated I feel.

Temporary I hope.

I feel like I have been waiting my whole life for something. I am getting old. I can't wait anymore. I want my real life now!!!

My late husband Ed loved me unconditionally and I loved him the same. Oh, it's true human love is only a manifestation of pure divine love. But 22 years with him is not enough. I hope there is reincarnation and he and I will fall in love again and again and again. And I hope I can still claim the right to find another soulmate this time around.

Goodnight.

Getting Off of Oxygen

2009-09-10T10:12:00.000-06:00

I began using oxygen at night and then 24/7 for shortness of breath due to damaged heart valve. I had heart surgery Jan. 23, 2009. I was still short of breath afterwards and still had to use the O2 afterwards.

My recovery was slow but my breathing gradually improved and I was able to get down from 5 or 4 liters to 2 liters. I am still at that point. I live in the mountains at 7200 feet elevation. I drive down to 5000 feet (yes, Albuquerque is also a mile high like Denver.) My SAT (saturation of O2 will dip down into the 80 percent mark. At the lower elevation I can breathe without the O2 for short trips away from my van and portable oxygen tank like picking up the mail at the post office and going into the bank.

I guess I am just afraid to do without it for good. Although I hate having the cannula in my nostrils and dragging around the 60 plastic tube that gets tangled on things (nearly tossed me to the floor the other night. I walk with a cane now instead of a walker due to arthritis, no, it hardly hurts but one leg is shorter than the other and I walk with a serious limp.)

Anyway, does anyone have any advice as to how I can develop my breathing and get off the O2 for good? My heart is functioning well with two new bio-valves, by the way. No lasting heart disorders. I do have high blood pressure and take meds to control it. I continue to walk as often as I can but do not do exercizes per se. I lost a great deal of weight but have put some of it back on. After not being able to eat while sick for nearly a year, I am enjoying food again.

Please leave your comments. Thanks, Sandy

Irish Funeral Prayer by Henry Scott Holland, May 1910

2009-09-09T12:26:00.000-06:00

Death is nothing at all.
It does not count.
I have only slipped away into the next room.
Everything remains as it was.
The old life that we lived so fondly together is untouched, unchanged.
Whatever we were to each other, that we are still.
Call me by the old familiar name.
Speak of me in the easy way which you always used.
Put no sorrow in your tone.
Laugh as we always laughed, at the little jokes that we enjoyed together.
Play, smile, think of me, pray for me.
Let my name be ever the household word that it always was.
Let it be spoken without effort.
Life means all that it ever meant. It is the same as it ever was.
There is unbroken continuity.
Why should I be out of mind because I am out of sight?
I am but waiting for you, for an interval, somewhere very near just around the corner.
All is well. Nothing is hurt; nothing is lost.
One brief moment and all will be as it was before.
How we shall laugh at the trouble of parting, when we meet again.

by Henry Scott Holland, St. Paul's London, May 15, 1910.

2009-07-10T11:37:00.000-06:00

2009-07-10T11:28:00.000-06:00

My husband passed away June 6th, just before his birthday. I miss him very very much.

My Recent Ordeals

2009-03-29T17:15:00.000-06:00

Hi. I've been gone a long time. I took a class the end of July about psychic readings and spirit guides (mine has always been Jesus and also Virgin/Mother Mary). The next day after that weekend I came down with a cold. The next weekend I came down with a high fever I thought was the flu. I took my temp and lay down on the bed. My husband came to see me 15 mins. so I thought and I told it was dangerously high 103, and I should prob. go to the hospital. He told me later that was 4 days later. I have no memory of that nor the ride to the ER.

I was in a drug induced coma, entubed, and given massive antibiotics for months to fight this superbacteria Strep 2 of Strep B. They are usually fatal.

I came to, so to speak, when they were ready to remove the second tube from my lungs. My son and his "wife" were there beside the bed. My husband was out in the hall, I guess. I was trying to speak and tell them this was going to be AWFUL in case they wanted to leave the room, but I couldn't speak or write, I was totally weak. They did remove the tube and I threw up a few times and later I was allowed to drink water.

I had been in intensive care, I remember a woman doctor or nurse in green scrubs coming in to see me. I remember a lot of different rooms they took me to. At Lovelace you always have a roommate and never seem to have the same RN or Tech more than once. I didn't eat. Was hallucinating from meds, I guess.
I remember a Tech named Deja who made me get used to sitting up and I gave him an autographed copy of my book of poetry and he sat and read it and said, This is my favorite and read aloud to me. I was very grateful to him.

I had the infection in my spine which required 2 spinal surgeries, it went into my heart and damaged 2 valves and then to my brain and gave me a minor stroke.

After I got my consciousness back, I was transferred across the street to Kindred, the hospital for recuperation. I cried and cried (depressed). I was NOT thrilled with having PT and having to get up and try to work on my walking. But the PT ladies were very kind and encouraging and nice. I went to sleep one night and woke up blind in my rt. eye but that cleared up finally, something about the liquid in my eyeball. And one of my legs is shorter than the other, so I am getting special shoes with one lift of one and a quarter inch so I can walk without limping or on the tips of my toes on one foot.

I went home and did well for a week or three, my cousin Christine came to visit me from Delaware. And then I started to get to the point I couldn't breathe. I had to go see a cardiologist--a young Native American woman. She is wonderful but she told me I had to get the valves replaced in my heart. I cried because I do not like surgery or hospitals.

She sent me to see the surgeon for Lovelace and for some reason he didn't like me (thought I was a big sissy and would cry and complain, which was absolutely right!) He told me to exercize and get in shape which I did for a month or more.

Then I started to fade into weakness and shortness of breath. So I went back and thought he would schedule my surgery but he told me (and my husband, so I wasn't hallucinating) that he was going to ask my cardiologist to recommend another surgeon.

We left and called NM Heart Institute for the next cardiosurgeon available and went to meet Dr. Gerety. He scheduled my surgery for a few days (11 maybe) and I went in on Jan. 19. Since my other organs needs stabilizing like kidneys, I had to wait until Jan. 23rd for the surgery. Surgery is a snap. You get pushed into the room, lifted onto a table, put
to sleep and you don't remember a thing for four days.

The Heart Hospital of NM was wonderful except for the RN's or PT's who abducted me out of chair and forced me to "walk" with a walker I was not used to while they were pushing and pulling on me down the hall. The whole time I was screaming and shouting that I couldn't walk, I had not been able to walk when I got the hospital--I have severe arthritis in my right hip.

They shouted threats and judgements at me and scared the heck out of me. After that, if anyone mentioned walk I would burst into tears. Yes, I did squeal on them and they left me alone. I finally got up to walk insisting I had to do it with my own walker and be able to rest when I wanted and walk as far as I decided and to get to go back. I had also threatened to call my lawyer since I know my patient rights. The rule is, tho, you can't go home unless you walk at least to the toilet. So with the docs and RN's and PT standing by I shuffled over to the bathroom in my slippers and I got to come home.

I signed on Heritage Home Care for PT and OT and home RN.
They came a week and I had to return to the heart hospital to get the fluids drained from inside me. So when I got back home, they came back and taught me how to get around and how to walk and do things in the kitchen and bathtub. They were wonderful. Encouraging. I am very grateful. It was Karen, Carol and Ellen. The night after they were finished coming I fell on my left side. Luckily nothing was broken, just bruised. So that's fine. Still a little worried about falling, but doing better. Fear helps nothing.

My husband has been fixing most meals for me. But I am able to lie down in bed and breathe again...I still need oxygen and it drops down when I move or walk. Hopefully my lungs will improve in capacity and I can get off oxygen.

I am doing much much better. I had many many friends and relatives praying for me as well as many angels sent to be with me by Betsy Coffman. So I am thankful to them and God for my survival.

Love, Sandy (Comments invited.) I've lost 50 lbs. but gained back 10, some is fluid in my left leg. I look scrawny and all bones and skin. And OLD. Yuk.

Health Update

2008-11-29T08:13:00.000-07:00

Apparenly the infection that spread through my body over the summer and fall has left me with two or possibly three damaged valves in my heart. I met with a surgeon--a tough surgeon. He has given me 3 weeks to get in shape being able to walk without getting all winded, etc. THEN he will decide if he will take me as a patient. He says he does not take cry-babies and whiners for patients. So I have to get over my fears and face doing difficult things, possibly painful, during my recovery. I have a lot of friends (and their friends) praying for me to get through this. You're are welcome, too.
Love, Sandy

A 40 Year wait

2008-11-06T07:49:00.000-07:00

I cried to see the crowds that cheered for our new president elect Obama. I had thought that the young people in this country were apathetic. How wrong I was, thank God.

I remember when they sent that terrified little girl into a new school to start integration 1957--along with the National Guard to protect her and carry her books. I remember when they bussed my own children to different neighborhoods to enforce integration. Some parents were angry, some terrified. I was not, even when a purse snatcher attacked me outside the school.

Later a black family moved into a house two doors down from us and the kids all played well together.

I remember MLK and his famous speeches about the time I graduated from high school and went to camp as a counselor. We were all colors of staff and mostly an assortment of races and backgrounds for campers from the poorest parts of Philadelphia.

That summer we followed the news of the civil rights marches and sang "We shall overcome" many many times as we walked and had camp fires, etc.

AND BOY, HAVE WE OVERCOME!!! Took a lot of years. But here we are--a multi culture society and getting along. With hope and joy.

I never understood prejudice. It must be based on fear. We must work now on our other prejudices, Gays and Fat People.

In mid-school they sent one mixed racial child to integrate there and most of us made friends with her and accepted her into our social life at school...as we later did with retarded children and a blind boy in high school.

It was the birth of the youth movement in the USA.

In the early 60's they sent us one black student and we elected him president of the student council. His girlfriend was one of a handful of Jewish students in a crowd of almost all well-to-do WASPS. We would have integrated ourselves faster had the adults set it up for us. They tore down the school a couple years ago. But prior to that it was mostly black students with a few white kids. Turn-about.

In hippie days we did what we could to tear up old traditions and change the country if not the world. Then we lost JFK and MLK and hopes were dashed. Gloria Steinham on Oprah said it best, it was if our future was taken away from us.

When Obama won the presidential election I was amazed seeing the crowds cheering and dancing in joy-it was overwhelming. I had thought, silly me, that the young people were apathetic. I am so glad I was wrong, I had thought, too that the Others were going to steal the government again and continue to ruin the USA via violating the constitutional rights of the citizens, and unlimited spending for rich peoples causes.

Just how much power and money do individuals need? Enough should be enough. And caring if others may have enough, too. It's not bleeding heart liberal, it's human nature and certainly ought to be a real Christian ideal. Love one another, did He say?

I was thrilled to see that the country has again been taken back by the people and we have hope again after 40 years of down-sliding.

And NOW a president in favor of the people in a democracy created by the people, for the people, and of the people.

All I can say now is YAY.

Sandy Schairer
permission to forward in full with credit to the author, n0 partial quotes please.

Back from the Dead

2008-11-06T07:34:00.000-07:00

Hello. I am home again after 3 months of hospitalizations. I missed the end of summer and am well into Fall. I had a terrible infection that started in my spine resulting in two spinal surgeries and then into my heart's sticky valve, and then into my brain resulting in a mild stroke. Since I was prone and in a coma for weeks with my lungs entubed (and could not speak nor move) I have lost my muscle tone. So combined with that and my arthritis, I am having a bit of trouble rehabilitating... i.e.,walking.

I am still on antibiotics for another couple of weeks plus assorted days which my husband administers through my "pic line" in my vein through little nozzles sticking out of my arm.

I have a ton of pills, many of which counteract the effects of the other pills.

And thank Mother FatherGod that they got my blood pressure under control with only 4 of the 5 meds they prescribed.

I have a damaged eye and need to go see about that and still a heart murmur which may or may not be serious some day.

But I assume I didn't want to die and leave my precious husband Ed who is caring for me so wonderfully. I have been told by a psychic that he is my soulmate. I myself remember us being together at lease one other lifetime. She said I must have decided I could not stand looking forward to losing him someday and might have wanted to leave myself first. I don't know.

Now...I have been left with anxiety disorder which one of my docs said is more like post-traumatic stress syndrome. Yes, I think so, I cry when I am sad and I cry when I am happy, too.

So I am practicing typing so I can get back to my writing career.

Love, Sandy

My Birthday is Coming Up June 3

2008-05-20T14:01:00.000-06:00

I am in a very strange family...part of the family is very close knit and closed shut and won't admit anyone in except, it seems, blood relatives. They have parties and go on adventures and then send me pictures of what they do...but they don't invite me. Or my husband, and he is a blood relative. They just had a great birthday party for someone else and sent me photos -- to rub it in, I guess.

Bizarre.

Thank God for friends.

I have some close friends that will honor me for getting a year older if nothing else.

Rain

2008-05-16T21:54:00.000-06:00

I must be in tune with the Earth.

I get real sick when it clouds up and rains.

Aches and pains. Congestion.

And tears falling

Just like the water from the sky.

Clouds in my head.

I don't call anyone

On the phone,

I stay home alone

And wait for it to pass.

~

I am glad the sun has returned.

My joy and love returned this morning.

I am healed.

(I was always healed

I just didn't know it

In the moment.)

But this too shall pass, huh?

Just like the rain clouds.

[Sigh]

Traffic

2008-05-04T19:33:00.001-06:00

I have another rant.

Those drivers who tailgate me in an attempt to make me drive faster...

When they get tired of driving on my back bumper (the speed limit--hint hint) and yank their cars into another lane at a high rate of speed, they see cars in front of me in all lanes going slower than I was. What do they want? They want me to jump over the cars in front of me? I don't see them doing that.

This is especially annoying in the work zones where NOBODY obeys the speed limits anyway. What do they think the slower speeds are for? Might it be for everyone's safety...including their own? I don't think driving over a highway worker would make their day, but you never know.

The big semi-trucks on I-40 are the worst offenders. They get so close to the back of my car that you can't even see their headlights. I get trapped in a rolling box of semi's and they expect me to what???? Fly???

Okay, another thing. Don't those idiots, who speed through the 35 and 45 mile an hour zones in city traffic racing up to the red light only to stop abruptly in the exact same place as the people going the speed limit, know that pushing on the gas pedal to go faster in between red lights USES UP MORE GAS????

Driving at high speeds, especially over the limit by 10 or 20 miles per hour also uses up more gasoline...it takes more gas to get the engine to go faster especially at speeds over 60 miles per hour... the amount you use increases exponentially the faster you go. (Look it up.)

So, you blankety-blank stupid drivers -- get off my bumper and do everyone a favor -- including yourselves -- drive slower and at least pretend to be courteous, and don't use so much frickin' gasoline, it costs enough as it is and it's becoming a limited resource. Where you gonna speed to when it's gone?

Thank you. Good night.
Sandy Schairer, Writer

Writers on Scientology

2008-04-28T17:14:00.000-06:00

I know I'm trying to advertise my poetry and short story book on my blog, and this sort of rant might not be the best way to do that...

But first and foremost I am a writer. I'm a writer who finds ideas wildly interesting and has to throw her two cents worth in every now and then for the sake of keeping the freedom of thought, belief and written word alive if for no other reason.

First of all, I want to go on record as saying that the first thing a repressive government/society does when they set out to control people's minds and limit their freedom is to silence the writers. This is proven to be true if you study history even cursorily.

Secondly, I want everyone to know that as long as there are blogs and bloggers continually writing thousands of opinions about thousands of subjects, there is NO WAY the government is going to shut up writers in this country.

Not unless they pull the plug on the entire Internet. I think we are a long way from that. I hope.

Even then, we'll find a way. We can speak our material if there is no paper or electronic way to jot it all down. From our minds to your ears.

So look out--here we go--what was the topic? OH YEAH...

I listened to most of the interview posted on the web in early April of Jason Beghe, the actor who was a Scientologist for14 years, and left the organization claiming they drove him "fucking crazy." Well, he certainly proves his point about being crazy. He rambles and appears confused quite often.

However, he does have some seriously lucid moments and valuable information about Scientology or at least his experience of it. I find it amazing that he still speaks with the jargon of the training and mentions the concepts as if the average person will have a clue what they are, being concepts completely contained within the teaching of Scientology. He's been out of the church for a year already.

Secondly, I appreciate him for coming forth with some information hitherto kept in secret by Scientology. The renegades from Mormonism and other secret organizations have also revealed some of the more strange practices that had been kept secret for years. As far as we know, this type of disclosure has and will keep some people from joining organizations that by reputation have been allegedly preventing freedom of thought if nothing else.

Okay. So what I decided after thinking about Jason's webcast interview (or is that webcasted?) is: Do we -- as innocent bystanders with nothing at stake -- have the right to stop people who voluntarily choose to be brainwashed?

Sure, Nazism comes to mind first. If a mass of people are going to be brainwashed and kill thousands of innocent people, we do need to step in sooner or later in the name of human rights, and heck, just doing the right thing. We stepped in and stopped Hitler because he was creating a Holocaust.

Strange that when China and other countries have and are doing the same thing--purging their countries of unwanted peoples, we haven't done a damn thing as Americans. Hmmm...

In addition, we do find many people in our society showing up to be brainwashed by other organizations than Scientology that have our full nationalistic support...take the military for example. People join and go through training, much like Scientology training--not pleasant but necessary to get from point A to point B alive. The "brainwashing" of soldiers is necessary for national security and other acts of war -- umm, to protect and serve. We count these people, especially the ones that give their lives for the cause, as HEROES. I can't say I haven't known a few, some close relatives of mine, for that matter.

One would think that if anyone (even a brainwashed person, who voluntarily submits to cruel and harsh treatment) would sooner or later realize that they no longer wish to participate -- they can stop, get out, leave, change their minds.

We can still do that in America. At least for awhile.

(The people who relate this to an abused/battered woman who stays with and/or returns to the perpetrator time and time again, has no ability to break away, have a point. But unless she's under the bed wrapped in chains with lock and key, there are many opportunities for women and even children in these situations to realize their plight, desire to change it, and find ways out. Just watching ordinary television one sees the public service announcements about this sort of thing. It's not easy, but doable, help is all around. Go for it!)

I am not saying that these cults that keep members separate from the rest of the world & shut off from all knowledge and experience with other people and information who are taught that unusual things are "normal," should continue. Like those cults they have uncovered and dispersed in Texas (which still exist in NM, by the way.)

But who are we protecting? Are we protecting them? From what? Are we protecting us from them? How? It seems to me that we are protecting them from themselves. That makes no sense. (I would never condone child abuse and a secret, separatist society or organization within a larger culture is still subject to the laws of the land. I think having sex with children whether you perform a marriage ceremony first or not, is still a horrible thing to do. We must stop this sort of thing.) Nonetheless, the pain caused by separating mothers and children is real pain and hurts all of us, not just those few individuals who have to endure it. A solution must somehow be reached ASAP for the sake of everyones mental health and peace of mind, past, present and future.

As much as I am glad that Jason Beghe came forward and told his story about joining, participating, and then leaving Scientology, I am sure someone will attempt to invalidate his personal experience. After all, if he had been a big success--it's would have been because of Scientology (like he said) and since he wasn't, well, they can always point out that he failed because he is failure-material--not cut out for Scientology. He left because he couldn't cut it...much like the soldiers that get drummed out because they are cowards--not sensitive young men and woman who realize being shot at or living in fear that they will be shot and/or having to shoot at other people drives them crazy.

I don't have a conclusion. I can't see a clear "right" or "wrong" here. We can debate this over and over from every angle but we are definitely in a conundrum -- preserving human rights might require we violate human rights to do it.

Now what?
_________________________________________________
Aside: I haven't an information about Scientology. But I am familiar with L. Ron Hubbard who was first and foremost a science fiction writer. Doesn't that sort of send up a red flag when you think of people starting a religion based on his writings? I can't say Scientology is bad or wrong. I just wonder at their use of psychological means to educate their members while bad-mouthing psychology. Life is stranger than fiction, isn't it?

The Vault of the Poeteer -- Buy with PayPal

2008-03-24T15:28:00.000-06:00

Book Signing at Hastings on Tramway and Candelaria
April 11, 2008
Those of you in Albuquerque come and have
The Vault of the Poeteer
autographed by the author (ME!!!)
in person
between 5:30 and 9:30 PM

Others can contact me at
sandyliz@juno.com
for information on ordering the book in the mail or
buying the book NOW with PayPal

Happy Easter to the Family

2008-03-13T12:04:00.000-06:00

Nearly a year has passed since you had a stranger reject us from your MasterMind Prosperity group, and effectively, from your life.

While it is true that a person's emotional reaction to something IS their own responsibility, that does not let everyone off the hook regarding their own behavior and/or dealing with the results of their behavior whether it was intended or not. We are all responsible for what we do and pretending it has no consequences is foolish.

You said you don't have to feel responsible nor to apologize because you didn't "intend" to hurt me. But I felt hurt and your hostile reaction to MY reaction was even more hurtful and incomprehensible than the original action.

Everything a person does does effect others--in fact, "they" say, it effects the whole Universe, like a ripple effect of throwing a pebble in a pond. "They" also say that you get back consequences from your actions and attitudes, like it or not.

So those two factors would seem to point towards taking responsibility more than trying to "worm-out" of things with hostile emails telling me to shut-up, threatening me with even more hostility, and finally giving both of us the royal silent treatment.

Sorry, but those reactions don't seem any "better" than my reaction to being hurt and becoming sad and angry and consequently being forced to deal with it all on my own.

Not that there is a "right or wrong" at play here in Reality. There's just LOVE. So "they" say.

And quite frankly your love for us is just "love-on-paper." You send us cards and notes signed with love but that's as far as it goes. It's not love in deed nor in attitude.

Frankly, you don't seem to care about us, love not withstanding, about our lives and how we feel and how we are doing. We understand that message, but what is this payback for since all we've done for your over the years was done with an attitude of love, caring and good intentions?

It seems that you have thrown the baby out with the bathwater, as "they" say.

I might be only a stepmother but I did consider myself a real family member for the last 20 years, and I lament the loss of that even it was a fantasy in my own mind.

I might have overcome my feelings, forgiven everything, and returned to a state of love...

But that doesn't mean I can trust you with my heart.

Happy Easter anyway. Love, Sandy

Author Reviews of The Vault of the Poeteer

2008-02-07T16:42:00.001-07:00

The Vault of the Poeteer
write SandyLiz@juno.com for further information

A Sample from The Vault of the Poeteer

2008-02-04T15:59:00.000-07:00

Please scan down to the next post and see some of the poems from The Vault of the Poeteer.

Of course it doesn't show the wonderful photo-based artwork that illustrates the poems.

Definition of Poeteer: Similar to a musketeer. A poet warrior who runs forth into the world of battle waving the banner of poetry.

To find out more about the book and ordering a copy, please email me at SandyLiz@juno.com

Thanks, Sandy

2008-02-04T15:47:00.000-07:00

Introduction

What is said of art can be said of poetry. “I don’t know art, but I know what I like.” A poet is necessary for poetry, readers optional. However, when a poet (or an ordinary person for that matter) writes a poem, she shares herself−thoughts & feelings, yes−but also a specific time and place with a specific viewpoint and setting. Without someone to share with, sharing is a misnomer at best.

A poem exists in the time/space continuum as a fixed entity. A person reading a specific poem will find it resonating with themselves in the exact same time & space and feeling & thought level the poet was in at the time she wrote the poem, much like a song. However, this makes a poem even more specific while at the same time making it universal. Poems speak for the poet and to the reader in a highly personal way, thus becoming more specific while expanding in relevance.

At any rate, poetry is a literary form as ancient as the hills. Bards of old sang poetry before people could read. It was their history and religion as well as education and entertainment. Poetic thought can exist outside of language, hence was probably used by the cave men − their pictures on the cave walls are their poetic language. We read their hearts, minds and souls when we view petroglyphs.

Just as there is art for the sake of art, there’s poetry for the sake of poetry. For all the wordsmiths, my fellow poets and authors, and people for whom these poems resonate, I give you my poems and heart/mind/soul − no longer locked in a vault but here to be read and experienced.

So, that said, enjoy these offerings from The Vault of the Poeteer,

Sandy Schairer

Poetry as Therapy?

I hope it is just not psychiatric "therapy"

That ordinary poetry therapy aims to be.

A poem is a feeling that comes from – ME !

I feel it, I write it, I change it, oh my,

But the words do come to me by and by

Helping me say what when I didn't know why.

All people are creative along with God Himself.

We can't just use our minds,

Leave our feelings on a shelf.

So get out there, open up and be someone -- yourself!

Therapy or not, write from inner grace.

Put the words on paper or out in cyberspace.

Ssend them out into the world to find their perfect place.

Write them on your own for yourself alone.

Read them in secret, on a stage or a phone.

Find where they flow from − blood, gut and bone.

Feel the rhythm, feel the words.

Yes. Poetry’s for people, not for cats & birds.

And it's simply not only for all us literary nerds.

Being Here

Being alive, here and now, sometimes hurts.

I wanted life to be always fun,

To be exciting and joyful,

Every moment 24/7, 364 and a ¼ days and nights a year

Year in and year out for my duration.

Breathing in beauty

Exhaling and starting again

Learning

Tasting

Chasing

Falling and jumping up

Again to run

Just for fun.

Laughter.

And seriousness

(When it’s called for)

But good, and real, and happy.

Where do we catch happiness?

Did we dream it up?

If so–what woke us and made it go?

Must we continue to feel pain and hurt and fear and anger

And --– no no no don’t make me say it --–

grief?

Me, Myself and I

When I see myself

Through others eyes

I don’t like myself

On their behalf.

I think maybe

I ought to have a really belly laugh.

But when I see myself, my life,

Through my own mind and eye

I love me.

I love myself,

The ever-present I.

I am smart

And I am pretty

Though now older and wrinkling.

Might be thick in the middle

But still sharp on top, I’m thinking.

I’m awake and I’m aware

I have feelings, too,

Wow. How I DO care.

My wisdom might be born of

Trial and error, true

But also of regrets

Yes, I’ve known a few.

I’m comfortable as ME now.

I’m glad I’ve gotten to know

“Me” as someone still willing

To learn, to love and to grow.

E.A. Poe: Poet

I used to love the poet
Edgar Allen Poe,
The way he had his sounds
All lined up in a row.
His clanging and banging

Of bells galore,
And a raven who sat
On the top of his door
And when the clock chimed
Would say “Nevermore”

I thought his hard life
Made his talents more sharp,
But his teenaged dead bride
Made his view sort of dark.
A lot of his problem was
Drugging and drink,
It drained his life’s blood
And beauty, I think

And now what’s a poet?
A silly old woman
Who sits with a pen
And tries to stay human.
Are poems ever read?
It’s all mystery adventure
Like Da Vinci Code
And works of joint venture.

So I'll bid Poe farewell
Go soak in the bath
And scatter some poems
On my own writing path.

Nevermore? Is That Your Final Answer?

Evolution?

Animals have very few questions to answer in life.

They have to decide

“Can I eat it?”

And if so, “When?”

Or, “Will it eat me first?”

“Oh, I hope not.”

And “Can I mate with it?”

And if so, “How soon?”

And a few other important things such as

“Is it time to fight,

Or can I lie down now?”

And the big one is always, “Where’s the water?”

Humans are much the same.

Only we wrap up all these choices

In multitudes of detail.

We celebrate every holiday and special event

With food and eating.

And tangle up our sexuality with

Traditions such as

Dating, courting, weddings and marriages.

And the ever-popular divorce.

But life all boils down to the same

Questions within our instincts

“Should I eat now or can I fuck first?”

(Or would that be “make love?”)

And always ask, “Must I fight or can I take it easy now?”

And of course, there would be no life on this planet

If we didn’t answer the question,

“Where’s the water?”

Regardless of how much fine wine

there is in the world.

Life as a Motion Picture

How elegant

Is our suffering.

We really get-off on it, huh?

Exquisite pain.

Watch me squirm.

Hear me cry and moan.

Awww, aren’t I The perfect

Victim?

I win the Academy Award.

Thank you

Time’s up

Drag me off.

Where’s my next movie?

What’s my next role?

Any plot this time?

Nah.

Didn’t think so.

 From Eve to Me to Infinity

Eli Stone is GREAT

2008-01-31T22:02:00.000-07:00

I just watched the new show Eli Stone with Jonny Lee Miller.

It's good. I love it. Please please everybody watch it so they don't cancel it. Please. GIVE IT A CHANCE...it's corny but so so right.

Miller was really good. The story line was great. And I love the metaphysical, mystical approach.

Good job!!! Thank you.

The Vault of the Poeteer

2008-01-21T12:21:00.001-07:00

My new book is NOW available. Please contact me at SandyLiz@juno.com to own this book!!!
I'll let you know the address to write to me...author and publisher.
It's $16.95 by mail which includes shipping & postage
(and any tax applicable.)

New Book Coming Out

2008-01-11T15:27:00.000-07:00

Soon to be released:

The Vault of the Poeteer

by Sandy Schairer

Original poetry and photo-based art

Christmas Celebration/Traditions: Christian or Pagan?

2007-12-11T08:38:00.000-07:00

Some one forwarded to me an article that Christmas was getting too crass and commercialized and urged people to be "judgmental" and not participate. It stated that Christmas was a Christian holiday that was started to obliterate the pagan traditions.

WAS IT? (see this site: www.massmoments.org/moment.cfm?mid=369)

I think most of the Christmas traditions are taken directly from the pagan ways. They have little to do with the birth of Christ.

The above link described how "Christmas" celebrations were deemed to be too pagan in nature and were outlawed in the early United States. When it was lifted, people began to celebrate in the old traditions they had brought here from the old countries, adapting the pagan traditions into Christian Christmas.

Pagan traditions were incorporated in my home and family tradition when I was growing up...Yule log, burning a Bayberry Candle all night Xmas Eve, mistletoe, wreathes and garlands of evergreen (not to mention the tree,) cornucopia of fruit and nuts plus the individual stocking full of nuts and fruit.

Heck, Santa Claus is adapted from the Holly King -- a pagan god or at least a holiday Druid, we predates Christianity. (remember pagan and Christian lived side by side for several hundred years -- Christianity not taking over until about 400 or 500 AD or later in some places.)

I have always enjoyed the season without buying into the commercialism. I like to give people presents and don't do it out of obligation or over spend just to impress people. I like to make things for people or do something fun like one year giving all the adults children's toys and gifts. That was a hit.

I also like to get presents. Receiving a gift makes people feel special and appreciated. We have so few occasions when we give people gifts. It's fun if we choose to make it fun and put something of ourselves and our love and care into them. And it is gratifying to have someone remember you with a token of appreciation for all the love and support you have given them over the year. And vice versa.

I do agree that the commercials on TV and all the holiday special events are a bit boring and overdone. But that is not just at Christmas, it's all holidays now. Even Superbowl Sunday! It's up to the individual not to buy into the hype.

And it's also up to every individual to put the spirituality into an occasion in their own way (and be able to leave it out if they want.) In other words instead of just being outspokenly judgmental about it, people ought to just turn their backs on what other people do and/or try to pressure them to do and just celebrate individually in their own way within their own families with love and joy.

So Happy Christmas and Joyous Yule and whatever holiday you choose to celebrate this winter!!!

SADNESS

2007-11-15T11:39:00.000-07:00

What is sadness besides a feeling? A feeling is sometimes an emotion, and emotions are movement of energy through your heart, head and body.

Sadness is the difference between what you want and what you got.

Sadness is longing for something you can't have.

Sadness is missing something you wish you had--still, again, or ever.

Sadness is being aware you're not where, or when, you want to be.

Sadness can indicate these things and also feelings of inadequacy or futility...based on a perceived gap between wanting something and your abilities to manifest it.

Grief is a stronger, more overwhelming feeling of sadness based on loss or accumulated losses. While it encompasses some or all of the above situation, it may also include regret, guilt, and denial.
~Sandy Schairer

_________________________________________________

Coming soon--my new book--The Vault of the Poeteer, a look at my life in verse and photo.

October Celebration

2007-11-03T20:04:00.000-06:00

I was lucky to celebrate Halloween for more than a week this year

Halloween--All Hallow's Eve, Day of the Dead or All Sou's Day followed by All Saints Day--the ancient spiritual holiday of Samhain from the Irish pagan traditions. Samhain is pronounced Sow-win.

I went on the Ghost Tour in Old Town (Albuquerque) on a Tues. night the week before Halloween, and found out about all the ghost roaming around in my town. It was exciting. (I forgot my camera. Excuse to go again.)

Sunday at our little Unity church, our minister did a Samhain visualization -- picturing our previous generations--parents, grandparents, great-grandparents, and then our kids. Blessing and healing and releasing. It was very nice. I "saw" my parents youthful and dancing together.

Monday, my husband and I went to hear a local channeler Betsy Morgan Coffman who channels Orion, I believe. She had as her guest the local medium Melissa. They told us some true ghost stories of their own, and then took questions from the floor about the participants dearly departed. When Betsy told one woman that she saw her grandfather in a boat fishing and the woman said, no, he hadn't been a fisherman--I knew it was my grandfather Jack...he was from a long line of fisherman on the water--ancestors from Isle of Man and The Great Lakes and rivers everywhere, retired to Florida. He is fishing in his Heaven. God bless him.

Tues. I had a massage. How elegant. What a favor to myself!!!

Wed. Halloween, I went to a 12-step meeting and studied step 8. It was like a miracle, hearing from the other people who sounded like they were reading my mind while relating similar situations and sharing their strength and hope with me. It was an exciting gift.

I also went to drumming at Center for Spiritual Living Wednesday. It was me and a couple of other middle-aged ladies and a gay man who passion in life is MUSIC. He played the big drum LOUD. I had an Indian drum from Taos, one lady had a wooden drum--also Indian style, and one lady was playing the bongos! It was mystical. Relaxing. I wore my feathered mardi gras mask I brought home from New Orleans a few years ago. I was hiding from evil spirits on Halloween in costume. My witch costume, which I am in all the time. We drum for love and peace and healing Mother Earth every week. It was special that day.

I fell asleep early on Halloween night. And every day I went someplace I got to eat out...tons of salad!!! YES. I'm addicted to salad.

Thurs. I went to a presentation at UNM Continuing Ed: Celtic Ancestral Wisdom lead by Maya Sutton. What a fabulous bunch o real Bards!!! Dressed in authentic ancient Celtic garb, reciting poems and story-telling old legends, dramatic readings, fiddle and harp music and flute, they were wonderful!!! With a slide show of pictures and traditional refreshments for Samhain: pork stew, sliced apples, Rosemary on roasted nuts and bread. After the presentation, we all took part in the ceremony for Samhain at the end which was an authentic ceremony not a dramatic or educational event. It was very moving. I was glowing when I left.

Fri. my honey and I went to the movies and ate two tubs of popcorn! Now celebrating with food & over-eating is a very American Holiday Tradition, can't leave that one out!

Sat. I went to a poetry workshop and wrote some cool poems.

I think this was one of the best holiday seasons I have ever spent. Grateful for the harvest. Letting go of summer, looking forward to the dark and cold winter season. And being in communion with those on the other side of the veil during the very week that the veil is thinnest for us mortals.

Happy Halloween, Blessed Samhain, Happy New Year.

Love, Sandy

My Answer to SHUT UP

2007-11-03T19:54:00.000-06:00

Family Trauma Unsolved

I thought I'd post my current understanding and lessons the incident last Easter has brought to me so far. It's sort of an open letter to my husband's family--namely his son and daughter-in-law, but since they are never going to see this, it doesn't really matter. They have closed their hearts and minds to facing this situation and/or helping us face it.

If you have had problems in your life with older or younger family members, perhaps this will be beneficial to your understanding too.

First of all it has been most baffling. We have always loved, generously supported and encouraged our kids not to mention helping them when they were having troubles in life, and their have been a number of difficulties. It was a terrible shock to realize that they can't seem to pull it together enough to return the attitude of loving & caring, and generosity. That has been a big disappointment to say the least. I realize today that kids are not grateful, anymore than they have ever been in any period of history. But I thought that our kids were different than that.

It's all centered around a MasterMind group with a couple of other people. The one woman was a close close friend of ours that we treated like a sister. She had been in an active social relationship with us for a number of years; a relationship that included abundance consciousness and prosperity thinking as well as financial and other support (we gave her a substantial loan to start a business a number of years ago which she has not paid back yet.) She told my husband about a workshop she'd been too, was enthusiastic and encouraged him to go. He took his son (who was working with him in the business) and his son's wife. The group was started locally to continue the growth and prosperity thinking generated by this workshop.

I was invited to come along with my husband to the first MasterMind group which was for the purpose of setting up the group and group goals, etc. I was surprised that they included me but I was very happy about it. I felt included, loved and supported and was willing to give them back all the love and support we all generated with this group. And I was looking forward to learning from them as we all advanced our business and prosperity consciousness and activities.

We had a couple of meetings -- maybe three --and I was thrilled with the power of the group. I was filled with joy to be in a close relationship of give and take with these people, especially our family. I was so encouraged I began to think about starting my own business (I am in the writing field and wanted to start a publishing company) even tho I am at the age when there is little I can really do in the employment area.

The group meant a great deal to my husband and to me also, since we are approaching retirement age and had very little to look forward to as far as new and exciting career possibilities, at least by ourselves. But this group gave us the loving support (we thought) to look to the future with expectation, excitement and renewed hopefulness and excitement. It was also, we thought, a way to be more involved with our friend and our younger generation in a more spiritual way.

What happened then was a big shock that we has still not understood or come to grips with. The stranger (to us) in the group called me the day before the next scheduled meeting and basically told me that the group talked about me behind my back, took a vote and decided to remove me from the group. I was shocked and devastated. I told her these were our family, even our friend who was like a sister to us, and we had a long history with them with support and sharing many other issues than just financial. Their basic bottom-line was they felt "uncomfortable" with me there since I hadn't attended the workshop. (Even tho it was partially my generosity that allowed them to go to the workshop in the first place.)

After feeling totally disrespected and rejected by this woman, I became angry. Now, I am not an angry person. I am usually a caring, loving, forgiving person who bends over backwards to try to get along and wouldn't think of hurting anyone's feelings on purpose. But this cut me to a level that totally enraged me. I think it had to do with having a stranger call and brush me off on their behalf without a word from any of them. In fact, I had seen my stepson several times in the days prior to this event and he didn't act like anything was any different. And I spoke with our close friend the night before this, and she didn't act like anything was any different either, never mentioned a thing. Basically they were ignoring the situation to save themselves further discomfortable.

So after this unexpected, shocking phone call, I simply said, "OK," and hung up. I didn't attack this person at all, altho I think she was instrumental in further developments and most likely encouraged these people to cut us out of their lives and handle the whole situation with the silent treatment; and possibly gave them the idea it was okay not to deal with the situation except from a self-centered point of view. I can't imagine on what planet that is good plan...ignore the problem and the person who is making you uncomfortable and everything will be fine? I don;'t think so. I don't think she has a clue as to how she destroyed our family and our lives.

Then my first reaction was to question my husband if he knew about this? The first thing I distinctly said was, "Did you know about this? If you're in on this, I am divorcing you right now!" He was as shocked as I was, though his son had mentioned to him (not me) that the group was uncomfortable with me being there and they were thinking of asking me to leave the group. (They could have come to me with their concerns but they chose NOT to do it in a kind way, not even face to face.) The point is, my husband and I were part of the group by then, and a group decision should have included us, not gone behind our backs in a cowardly way.

Now if you are not familiar with the MasterMind principles, you need to look it up on the internet and see the steps...they are basically having to do with sharing hope and spirituality with a group of other people to help them attain their aspirations and goals in life based on love and spirit. You would think that people who wanted to be in a group like a MasterMind group would be willing to extend their spirit and love.

The rest of that weekend my husband and I were devastated and heart-broken. He said at one point, he felt like he had died. It was perhaps the biggest jolt I have ever had in my life. Even with my ex-husband who treated me terribly it was not hidden and sneaky, it was in-my-face cruel from a sick man and I didn't expect better behavior from him. I always knew he was incapable of loving, caring behavior, and I was able to divorce him and not stay a victim of his abuse and lack of care & love. It's not that easy to divorce your kids and grandkids, especially when you love then and want to have a harmonious family life to make the last decades of your life enjoyable with love and caring family.

Next, I got an email insisting that these people didn't "intend" to hurt me, that they "loved" me. I didn't buy that, because it certainly didn't feel like love. I let them know that I was hurt and angry. And basically the whole situation escalated to them attacking me for having feelings. They think since they didn't intend to hurt someone, that they are obviously not responsible for the resulting hurt.

I tried to explain that even if you don't do something to someone on purpose to hurt them, you can still care about their feelings and apologize as a way to show you care. What if I had been hit by a car and had my leg broken? Because they weren't personally to blame for running over me, then they couldn't say they were sorry I was hurt? That's ridiculous. We can use any situation to show that we care about someone and their feelings no matter what we did or didn't do or how we did it.

They were unable to do that. When I tried to explain my feelings, I was continually verbally attacked (on email) by my stepson's wife and finally blamed, threatened, and told to SHUT UP.

I think this is appalling way to treat another person, let alone an older family member. It is a serious discrepancy between believing you are a loving, spiritual person and being unable to be kind & compassionate let alone spiritual and loving. How can a person reconcile that kind of behavior that is inconsistent with their belief systems? That's just not honest.

We were basically kicked out of the family, no longer invited to holidays and birthday parties--especially our grandchildren's. And the silence of the extended family members on this subject, while they say they care and want it resolved, has shown an unstated yet overwhelming support of the younger generation's verbal abuse and subsequent silent treatment of us.

If people can't see the need for a healing and an apology on the part of the person who was abusive and rejecting, then they are a part of that abuse and rejection. Keeping out of a situation just proves a lack of care also.

In fact, when I tried to tell my stepson's how hurt and horrible we felt, he and his wife took that as an unprovoked "attack" and used it for further rejection of us. I apologized to everyone for anything I might have said when I was in extreme emotional pain and anger because of my reaction of their treatment of me.

Their excuse is that they are "uncomfortable with emotions." So is that an excuse to force me to carry all the hurt and anger for the whole situation? My feelings go way beyond uncomfortable. And no one is able to acknowledge that. They take my feelings as an attack on them. Or take the position that I have no right to my feelings because they don't want to acknowledge their part in the situation.

I never even tried to force them to say they were wrong to want to have a MasterMind group the way they wanted it--just for the members who attended the workshop. They could have stated that sooner or told me about it in a kinder way, asking for my understanding and respect while extending it to me.

They weren't wrong to want something and to feel something and to try to deal with it. But there is a difference in doing something wrong, and doing something wrongly.

They could included me and my husband in a discussion by the whole group (of which we were a real part) in a compassionate way, asked our cooperation and compassion for them, and handled this in a mature, mutually beneficial way. Instead, they admitted that since they knew it was would be painful for them to confront me, they had the stranger in the group call me and tell me on their behalf because that would be the easiest emotional way to do it. Easy for them maybe. No so easy for us.

They basically didn't consider my feelings whatsoever and decided to put all the emotional discomfort onto my shoulders especially for reacting. So I get to suffer for the whole group of them, so they can be fine. This is what I resent the most. I am being sacrificed for the good of everyone else. No one on earth has the right to ask that of another person and pretend it's okay. It's just not okay. You can't base your feelings of OK on making someone else not OK. I won't work. It's not real. And it won't ever be over until someone takes a real look at it and becomes willing to deal with the fall-out from the whole thing.

So as a result of me venting to my stepson on afternoon (I felt he didn't have a clue how badly we felt and how this disrupted our whole life) his wife called my husband and told him that her husband wouldn't be able to work with him anymore. He wasn't even able to tell his Dad directly. I never attacked him personally, was just telling him how horrid I was feeling. I apologized to him for anything I did or said that might have hurt his feelings. Even though he obviously doesn't feel the need to apologize for anything he might have done or not done.

I later heard my husband get on the phone, crying and begging his son not to quit yet, they had a big job coming up and he couldn't do it alone, etc. and that he needed him. The answer was evidently "No." My stepson took several jobs after that working for other people, several of which he wasn't satisfied with. I guess it only occurred to his wife, after he was unemployed a while that she might be able to get a job herself, which she finally did.

Anyway, I never tried to convince these people that they were wrong to feel the way they felt, that they were wrong to try to do something about it...but there is such as thing as doing something WRONGLY, or in the wrong way. They chose to solve their own uncomfortable feelings by blatantly hurting someone else and then telling that person she had no right to her feelings of hurt and anger, and further rejecting her. And insisting that they didn't do anything wrong.

Part of this is the "new age" thinking -- that no one can hurt our feelings without our permission, that in effect, we choose to be hurt and it is 100% our own responsibility. That's only true to a certain extent.

The other half of that is being responsible for everything we say, think, believe and do. There are always consequences to everything we do. Being ignorant of that or insisting it isn't true doesn't make it less true. And we aren't off the hook if we are in relationships with other people because being in a relationship sort of means that you are willing to relate, to be responsible enough to be willing to help heal a situation you are part of in some way.

These people think they can heal the situation in their own minds by ignoring the fact they rejected and hurt us and acted in an unkind, non-compassionate way and then insisted they had the right to do that, saying over and over that they weren't wrong. They set us up to believe we were loved and accepted and then they pulled the rug out from under us and since then their treatment of us has proven that they didn't love and care about us after all. It was and still is a big shock.

And there are still long-reaching consequences. For one thing, the children (13 and 10) loved us and benefited from our being in their lives. We have participated in helping raise them and cared for them when they were babies and spent time with them going places and doing things that were enjoyable for us as well as them. That's gone.

We helped all of them over the years with emotional and actual activities of support in their lives. And now we are not able to do that anymore, and as we approach old age and all its difficulties we have no possibility of receiving any help from them with our lives. The in-laws that were also our extended family are not available to us anymore either. (We could stay friends but basically I am still grieving so much, I am afraid I would just burst into tears if I saw one of them in person. And I have been requested not to talk about the situation so they won't have to feel any bad feelings about it either. So I have to spare their feelings but keeping my own feelings to myself. Some basis for on-going friendship.)

It's like that book I read one time, "Do I have to give up me, in order to be loved by you?"

I am asked to keep my feelings of misery to myself so that everyone else can feel comfortable. I have to say NOT OK, so that they can pretend they are all okay, & spiritual and loving. I don't think so.

I didn't asked them to admit they were wrong, I asked them to care about my feelings.

And they said repeatedly NO with their actions, lack of action, and silence and in some cases verbal attack.

So, there are still far reaching consequences of this. It has definitely altered my husband's and my life. He can't continue to work the business by himself. So he has to downsize it or give it up. As a result we can't make ends meet anymore, so we have to sell our property, shop and house and find a more affordable way to live...this is property, houses and shop that we intended to leave to the kids someday...if not them, then the grandkids. But it's gonna be history soon. A house and shop that were my husband's dream and he built with his own two hands and planned to enjoy for the rest of his life with and share with his family. Too bad for everyone.

EVERYONE LOSES HERE. This is not a win/lose thing, it's a LOSE/LOSE situation for everyone. Too bad. It breaks our hearts and no one else realizes it or seems to care.

On top of that, we have cut these people out of our will and are leaving everything to each other. They are getting the same thing they are giving us...nothing. We have given and given over the years, not just to them but to others. I would hope that they could "forgive us" if we expected a little kindness back which is normal not pure selfishness. I can see that was stupid of us to expect the younger generation to be grateful for what they have received and to be willing to give something back. We have obviously been barking up the wrong tree.

And we are moving away to a place where there is other family that love us, accept us, and care about us and our lives. And the people who have rejected us are not welcome to come visit us there. At least not until they realize the situation they helped create with their unkindness and cold-heartedness and decide to help heal the situation some other way than verbally abusing us, giving us the silent treatment, and saving their own feelings of OK'ness for themselves.

It took more than us to create this bad situation, and we can't be expected to fix it by ourselves. That won't work.

Also, when trust is gone, it takes a great deal of effort to re-establish it. And one half of the participants aren't able to do it alone. It takes full cooperation from everyone. Cooperation that no one has been willing to show us whatsoever.

I don't know what else to say, but let people know that unconditional love can't be taken for granted when you do something hurtful to other people. We can love you and forgive you, but we can't associate with you as long as your unkind attitudes towards us stand. It's not just the past, it's every day on into the present and the future that we have been rejected and treated cruelly. So if you want something from us again, even freedom to cut firewood, please consider asking first and thanking us afterwards. We would rather be allowed to extend generosity not have it taken from us.

Remember just SAYING you love someone, believing in your own spirituality and lovingness isn't all it takes. Love and spiritually based living takes ACTION. Put your beliefs into actions. Actions speak louder than words. You can say you didn't intend to hurt us, you can say you still love us, but threatening, verbally abusing, and/or ignoring us not to mention telling me to shut up, is not a spiritual or loving thing to do. And the rest of the family that is ignoring this type of abuse, well, all I can say is, if you stand by and let a family member you supposedly care about be abused, then you are part of the abuse.

I can no longer be the person in any situation that disregards my own well-being so that everyone else can be fine. You all are not fine. We are not fine. And pretending it's all fine, is not okay.

Parents, while it is our JOB to give unconditional love and support, are people too. As far as I am concerned, you all are willing to treat strangers kinder than you treat us.

I forgot to add the most important part: Around Father’s Day Nic wrote to me telling me she didn’t realize that I wasn’t over this by now and asked what it would take for me to get over it. I innocently thought she meant it…she was willing to patch things up and offer to do something for me to help me handle this on-going situation--still painful and hurtful for me, even more-so in some ways because the insults are on-going, they are not over, they exist in the here and now, they still stand--the judgment, condemnation and unkind, non-compassionate sentiments towards me. So I said I would like an apology for my feelings being hurt. That is when she got verbally abusive, insisted she didn’t do anything WRONG. She told me that if I thought she was a bitch now, that she would show me what kind of bitch she could really be--in capital, red letters--I took this treat as a threat. She also stated that she didn't know how my husband could stand me all the time...and my husband loves me and completely sympathized with my hurt and angry feelings. He has his own hurt feelings too having had the rug pulled out from under him in his business as well as losing his family life with his kids/grandkids. Then she TOLD ME TO SHUT UP.

I would like to mention too that when I yelled at Daniel out in the shop, I was not attacking him…I said absolutely nothing blaming or condemning him, I was telling him how horrible and broken hearted Ed and I had felt. If he went home and told Nicole that I “ripped him a new one” and that he felt so unwanted, he was picking up on what I was feeling−that Ed and I felt unwanted and I definitely felt aggressively and coldly rejected. I was reacting to what they had done to me or rather the way they did it…the whole group…people should not do potentially hurtful and destructive things to other people without expecting to deal with the fallout. They had no right to expect me to contain all the misery, hurt, pain, and anger all by myself and keep them out of it.

They are a part of this…and being brushed under the rug like a pile of dirt hurts. If it was okay for them to feel uncomfortable why is it so horrible that I have feelings? If I made one of them feel unwanted by ranting about how horrible I felt, why is that wrong (and not something I did to them on purpose anyway) and making me feel not only unwanted but rejected, judged and condemned is okay?

Part of my life…the part where we socialize with family and extend love and receive love from relatives−kids, in-laws, grandchildren−has been stolen from us. I, for one, feel horrible on-going grief.

If I reacted badly at first, I did apologize to everyone. That's the difference. I was reacting not attacking. And I was sorry if I hurt anyone's feelings.

Worthy Quote

2007-09-05T10:20:00.000-06:00

"Tell my friends and those who love me to remember that life is what we make it, that every disappointment is just another opportunity to travel a different route, that judging another person mirrors your own insecurity and you better get over it because that's what will bring you down...that the present moment is really all we have and you better make the most of it, and that love, truly loving unconditionally... is all that really matters in life."

~ quoted author: Wes Vincent

Photo: By Sandy Schairer, Colorado Landscape, July 2007

Alas: Good-Bye to the E-Book Industry

2007-08-21T11:36:00.000-06:00

I have not made a dime in my e-book career. My small e-publisher may be doing well, but I don't get paid until they get all their costs, which means I can get royalties after selling about 200 copies of each of my short e-books. I am rather disappointed since they are really good stories [published under my pen name.] If you save the e-book manuscript on a CD people expect to pop it into their car stereo and listening to me reading it to them. I might try that next, who knows? Although the type of e-book I do is really not appropriate for listening to while you're driving.

This article I found may help explain the problem. Sandy
______________________________________________

from the January 23, 2002 edition - http://www.csmonitor.com/2002/0123/p01s03-woeu.html

Book lovers fail to click with e-pages

By Peter Ford | Staff writer of The Christian Science Monitor

PARIS - The subject line of the e-mail caught my eye immediately as I browsed through my overnight mail.

"For the love of God, PLEASE buy my book."

I knew the book to which the sender, Claire Berlinski, was referring. Earlier she had e-mailed me, unsolicited, the first chapter of 'Loose Lips,' about a woman joining the CIA.

Now came the pitch: "Surely you were a little bit intrigued? Look, I swear to you, it's a great book. And hey: I'm practically giving it away. It costs way less than a double latte and a scone." For $5.95, I could obtain the Web address, from which I could access the whole book.

Ms. Berlinski has picked a tough time to self- publish an electronic book.

A year or so ago, e-books were being touted as the future of publishing: Paper would go the way of papyrus, we were told, and we would soon all be curling up with personal digital assistants.

It was not to be, or at least not yet. Over the past three months, three of the biggest e-publishing enterprises have folded: AtRandom, Random Books' foray into the online world, closed in November. IPublish, belonging to Time Warner, shut down at the end of last year. Ten days ago MightyWords, half owned by Barnes and Noble, switched off its website.

"We do not believe that the market for digital content was large enough to support a separate company," said Barnes & Noble, whose disappointing e-sales prompted its decision to ditch MightyWords.

Berlinski is not necessarily arguing with that. So far she has sold only about 100 e-copies of her book. But she has used the web to get around a classic problem for first-time authors - how to break into the publishing world when you don't have a reputation.

"You cannot get published without an agent, and you can't get an agent unless you've been published," says Robert McCormick, chief operating officer of 1stBooks Library, an e-publishing venture which works with a lot of previously unpublished writers.

Berlinski e-mailed installments of her first chapter to about 1,000 journalists, publishers, literary agents, and other people in the writing world whose e-mail addresses she found on the Web. A reporter on The Chicago Tribune liked 'Loose Lips' enough to recommend it to his agent, Katherine Robbins, and she has agreed to take it on.

"Agents are deluged with manuscripts," Berlinski explains. "I wanted to do something really effective, not waste a lot of time, and some wonderful opportunities present themselves with new media. I want to exploit them."

For some of the biggest players in US publishing, the wonderful new media opportunities they hoped to exploit with e-books turned out to be illusory.

"It is taking longer for consumers to grasp the technology than people thought," says Carolyn Brown, a spokeswoman for Barnes & Noble. "The price of devices is still very high, and there is still a lot of education to do on things that consumers don't know about."

E-books can be read on a range of devices, from a regular computer or laptop, through hand-held personal organizers such as PalmPilots, to custom-built e-book readers.

Barnes & Noble is still publishing some e-books itself, and bestseller Stephen King enjoyed great success with "Riding the Bullet," which he published electronically in 2000. Smaller companies, too, are doing well in the business.

Fictionwise, for example, which concentrates on sci-fi and romance titles, saw its sales jump by 400 per cent last year, to around 10,000 e-books a month, and "all we see is growth ahead," says company founder Scott Pendergrast. "We are very excited.

"It's still a small market ... not mature yet," he adds. "But for publishers that are careful with their expenses, we think it's a great market."

Fictionwise launched itself with sci-fi partly because Mr. Pendergrast is a sci-fi fan, but also, he says, because "we had the belief that people who owned hand-held devices would be science fiction readers."

And the e-publishing business tends to be doing well in such niche sectors, with a mainly male readership among customers comfortable using personal digital assistants in their daily lives.

That is not a profile that matches very many readers, however, which is why another e-publisher, 1stBooks Library, sells not just electronic books for download, but 'print on demand' books too. Under that system, a reader finds a title he is interested in on the website, orders it online, and 1stBooks prints a copy just for that customer, who receives it through the mail. This eliminates the risk and cost of publishing a large print-run of a title that may not sell very well.

"The reading public still likes printed books better," says 1stBooks C.O.O. Mr. McCormick. "But the under-18s spend more time in chat-rooms than on the phone, and we'll see the ratios change quite a bit. Whether that will happen in 10 years or 50 years, nobody knows."

Fictionwise founder Pendergrast says it will depend on how easy e-books are to read. "We believe the e-book market will explode when new hand-held devices come out with fantastic new screen technology making them easier to read, and when prices become reasonable," he argues. Such technology could be in shops within two years, he says.

Berlinski says she is a believer in the Internet as a tool for marketing and spreading ideas. "Whether it is economically viable as a medium for books, I don't know, but I am much less skeptical than I was a month ago."

Compassion and Kindness in America Today

2007-06-22T09:53:00.001-06:00

In regards to the recent family issue, I would like to state the bottom line on it, since I have been told to "shut up" and that the lines of communication in regards to healing this collective situation are closed.

What happened: Some close relatives and a close friend did something--while not "wrong"per se, they behaved "wrongly."

I reacted to it in a severe way and exhibited some behavior--tho I was not "wrong" to feel what I felt (no one ever is) I exhibited my feelings "wrongly."

The difference is -- I apologized from my behavior.

I was upset and I responded -- I rejected their behavior.

They were upset and responded -- they rejected me as a person/human being/soul.

Lack of kindness and ability to respond to another person with compassion is a very serious spiritual illness. It is never considered "the right thing to do" in any religious or philosophical frame of reference, professional or personal.

But meanness in American society is on the increase, much to the detriment of our country and individual people trying to deal with everyday life in an increasingly hostile society. I will never find cruelty to be correct (or even as entertainment as current "reality" television demonstrates.)

For the sake of "harmony" part of my extended family and my friend who was like a sister to us, cowardly have to save face and continue to insist they did nothing wrong.

For the sake of harmony, I have to stop allowing myself to be a repeated victim of emotional abuse every time I try to open a dialog on the subject with hopes of healing the rift.

This breaks my heart over and over again.

The show of a lack of respect, especially for the older generation, is appalling. In my family I was raised in, we might have thought someones behavior was bizarre or silly or even downright bad, but we never condemned our own relatives and friends for being who and what they were regardless of their behavior. While we were not especially spiritual as a family, we had respect and a commitment to acting in a loving manner because we believed we were loving and it was the right thing to do.

I believe, if someone claims they're a loving, spiritual-based person, they need to act in a loving, spiritual way to be truly consistent mind, heart and soul. And when they fall short, even if it is unintentional--and being human we all will fall short--people need to recognize it immediately, take responsibility for the fact there are consequences to everything one does (like it or not) and do something positive to counteract it.

Ignoring the consequences that result from your behavior is not a thinking, feeling, enlightened way to resolve a problem.

There is nothing more I can say to these particular people without them heaping more rejection and/or abuse on me. I cannot put the initial situation behind me because of the severe and continued abuse that has been continued as a result. It's not just in the past, it's on-going and continuing into the here and now over and over.

My husband and I are living in a state of shock, heart-break and grief. So if you can't help us get over the pain of our loss of family, lost harmony and acceptance, and personal and professional setbacks: please, leave us alone. You are being part of the problem, not part of the solution. We will turn to the love and kindness of other sincere people and, of course, to Spirit to heal.

Love and Light, Sandy Schairer
Photo, copyright by Ted Clarke, Kalamazoo Michigan

Apology: A Lost Art and Skill?

2007-06-05T13:12:00.000-06:00

What is the matter with people today? What ever happened to a simple, "I'm sorry," to handle situations before they get all blown up out of proportion? Why do people think they have to battle for being right instead of kind?

An apology is not an admission of"guilt" or of being "wrong" or even of being "bad." (Though it certainly can be--and if you're guilty of something bad, or merely wrong, speak up and admit it as soon as possible; don't try to justify it or make excuses.) Respond quickly with "I'm sorry," shows that you didn't intend it or hurt someone on purpose. How else would they know? If you just insist that you didn't do anything "wrong" that doesn't address the problem. It's like answering a question about emotions and behavior with a mathematical solution...sort of like apples and oranges...it just doesn't fit. "Why did you throw away the cake I baked for you?" "Six times 6 is definitely 36, and if you don't believe that, too friggin' bad. I'm right." What does that have to do with cake and hurt feelings?

So...an apology is a response to another person's feelings. If you claim to love the person, you will care about their feelings and be moved to respond to them and put making yourself right on a back burner, for godsake. You will respond with an apology if you see that someone is hurt and angry over something you did--even if you didn't do it on purpose or intend to hurt the person. If you hit them with your car because you didn't see them, you didn't maliciously hit them, but certainly if they were injured you would respond with concern, not try to make it all justified and declare they were at fault for the accident by being injured. That is all backwards. You can apologize for hurting someone, even if it was an unintended accident.

Saying the other person has no right to feel hurt or angry, that you didn't mean to hurt them, is the same excuse a pedophile uses...he didn't mean to hurt the little children, he loved them, they shouldn't feel bad or hurt or angry. HAH.

And this new age attitude that we are responsible for everything that happens to us, is just a way for crude, unkind people to let themselves off the hook for being nice to the rest of the world. More of the "blame the victim" methodology. Why don't people just realize that what they say and do can be misunderstood or it can directly cause pain and suffering for others. Things we do, cut people to the soul. We can gain our own peace of mind (egotistically at least) by making everyone responsible for their own hurt feelings. In my opinion, the joy and humor in today's world based on being mean to other people (especially on those reality shows and talent shows) is downright immoral, abusive and cruel. People may have the right to be that way, but they do need to realize the consequences that behavior has on others and eventually themselves. It is not funny for a judge in a contest to rudely tell someone who just sang their heart out that they "stink, so get off the stage." There is a way to be critical without being judgmental and hurtful. But if people don't seem to know that, telling them that isn't going to work. The only think I can do is hope those mean people are on the receiving end of unjustified attack someday so they'll understand how it feels and can adjust their behavior accordingly.

Arguing with a hurt person that they have no "reason" to feel hurt, doesn't take the hurt away either. It makes it worse. It's a flaming indication that your feelings are way more important than anyone else's. The question becomes then, not would you rather be right or happy, but would you rather be right or kind. Choosing being right regardless of everything else speaks loudly in it's silence. And it is not a pretty message. It is just sad.

Blaming a person after they respond to something you did, using it as an excuse for what you started in the first place, isn't fair. It's a way to make your own feelings feel okay again, not helping the situation or other person at all. So criticizing them or getting angry that they reacted out of pain and anger to something you did is NOT an indication that what you did was "justified" and they deserved it. Just look how they took it, they must have deserved it, right? NO WAY.

I am a very loving, supportive, forgiving, giving, caring person. But if I don't receive apologies from loved ones and dear friends, I am not going make all the effort to heal relationships by myself. I am not going to give out blanket forgiveness to unapologetic people. I am out of the door-mat business, so if someone wants to be in my life again, if they genuinely care about me and my feelings, they can show it the way I have requested they show it. Say you're sorry. I am not bending over backwards to do all the fixing and sucking up to others so they will "like" me. They can suck up to me and try to fix their rude, mean, unkind behavior. I am tired of being the one that gives up my feelings and consideration for my own well-being so that everyone else can feel okay and comfortable all the time.

SORRY.